My married friend told me that he's gay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

I agree with this. I don't think it is good for him or you (potential scape goat later) for you to be steering the outcome one way or the other. Tell him to talk to a therapist.

If you read the thread you will see that I've suggested this over and over to him. I got some referrals for him and he has an appointment to speak to a therapist in a couple of days.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm . . . I am sensing another psychology student. See the thread that was posted very closely in time to this one:

"Did you come out as a lesbian when you were married with kids"

Just my spidey sense!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

Romance and romantic love comes and goes. Many straight married couples are not basking each day in romantic love. The slog of daily life takes away some romance for many. Regardless of whether he was having an affair with a man or a woman or if he left his wife and kids for a man or a woman, it is I likely that he will have a lifetime of romantic love. Very few affair relationships last.

[Anonymous]

He just sounds like a typical cheating spouse. They require history and rationalize their actions. He chose to marry a woman and have kids with her. He probably even at some point told her he loved her. He needs to go back to that point and rebuild the marriage he is in, if his wide wants to forgive his infidelity. I doubt it is only an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

I agree. Are you the man in question OP? If not, are you a man or a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm . . . I am sensing another psychology student. See the thread that was posted very closely in time to this one:

"Did you come out as a lesbian when you were married with kids"

Just my spidey sense!

I haven't been a student in many years nor would I waste my time with nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

Romance and romantic love comes and goes. Many straight married couples are not basking each day in romantic love. The slog of daily life takes away some romance for many. Regardless of whether he was having an affair with a man or a woman or if he left his wife and kids for a man or a woman, it is I likely that he will have a lifetime of romantic love. Very few affair relationships last.

True it may not work but shouldn't both of them at least have a shot at it? In their current form it isn't possible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just sounds like a typical cheating spouse. They require history and rationalize their actions. He chose to marry a woman and have kids with her. He probably even at some point told her he loved her. He needs to go back to that point and rebuild the marriage he is in, if his wide wants to forgive his infidelity. I doubt it is only an emotional affair.

I'm sorry but this is absolutely nuts. Go back and what? Pretend he isn't gay?

I absolutely believe he has only been having an emotional affair. He has no reason whatsoever to tell me as much as he's told me only to leave out that. He's confiding in me because he knows I'm not going to judge him so it wouldn't make sense to lie about something I care nothing about. As far as I'm concerned it's all the same and that is what I've told him. Cut off emotional ties with this guy and get some therapy for both himself and his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

I agree. Are you the man in question OP? If not, are you a man or a woman?

I'm a man and If I was the guy in question I would have made the thread about me. I thought I would get responses related to my post so if I would be able to provide him with a more balanced perspective before he opens this can of worms. Only a couple of women offered information about how they would prefer their husbands to handle this situation but it seems like many of you would rather live in ignorant bliss instead of him bringing it up at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He just sounds like a typical cheating spouse. They require history and rationalize their actions. He chose to marry a woman and have kids with her. He probably even at some point told her he loved her. He needs to go back to that point and rebuild the marriage he is in, if his wide wants to forgive his infidelity. I doubt it is only an emotional affair.

I'm sorry but this is absolutely nuts. Go back and what? Pretend he isn't gay?

I absolutely believe he has only been having an emotional affair. He has no reason whatsoever to tell me as much as he's told me only to leave out that. He's confiding in me because he knows I'm not going to judge him so it wouldn't make sense to lie about something I care nothing about. As far as I'm concerned it's all the same and that is what I've told him. Cut off emotional ties with this guy and get some therapy for both himself and his wife.

Is he in an arranged marriage? How did he end up marryin a woman if he was gay? Did he just fake being attracted to her, lie about loving her and force himself to have sex with her twice to have children? Is the whole marriage a sham? He didn't just become gay. He either has always been gay and did a pretty horrible thing to his wife and kids or he is just enamoured with the grass is always greener thought thy many who cheat have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would YOU want to stay married to a gay man? I certainly wouldn't want to stay in a marriage with someone who loves me, in a way, but would never be sexually satisfied with me and would be either fantasizing about having sex with men or making himself miserable trying to suppress who he really is.

He really needs to come clean with her. Chances are she'd prefer to let him go and let him be a loving, involved co-parent rather than a suppressed, suffering, closeted-gay husband.

This. I would not want to stay married to a gay man. What I don't understand is how his wife discovered gay porn on his computer but decided to forward with the marriage thinking that it would turn out ok. Because if that had been me, I'm not sure I would have continued in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would YOU want to stay married to a gay man? I certainly wouldn't want to stay in a marriage with someone who loves me, in a way, but would never be sexually satisfied with me and would be either fantasizing about having sex with men or making himself miserable trying to suppress who he really is.

He really needs to come clean with her. Chances are she'd prefer to let him go and let him be a loving, involved co-parent rather than a suppressed, suffering, closeted-gay husband.

AMEN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

I agree. Are you the man in question OP? If not, are you a man or a woman?

I'm a man and If I was the guy in question I would have made the thread about me. I thought I would get responses related to my post so if I would be able to provide him with a more balanced perspective before he opens this can of worms. Only a couple of women offered information about how they would prefer their husbands to handle this situation but it seems like many of you would rather live in ignorant bliss instead of him bringing it up at all.

Are you gay or straight OP?

[Anonymous]

She knows he's gay. She's just trying to find a true man (you know, the one with one front zip, not with two) and then let the gay go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He just sounds like a typical cheating spouse. They require history and rationalize their actions. He chose to marry a woman and have kids with her. He probably even at some point told her he loved her. He needs to go back to that point and rebuild the marriage he is in, if his wide wants to forgive his infidelity. I doubt it is only an emotional affair.

I'm sorry but this is absolutely nuts. Go back and what? Pretend he isn't gay?

I absolutely believe he has only been having an emotional affair. He has no reason whatsoever to tell me as much as he's told me only to leave out that. He's confiding in me because he knows I'm not going to judge him so it wouldn't make sense to lie about something I care nothing about. As far as I'm concerned it's all the same and that is what I've told him. Cut off emotional ties with this guy and get some therapy for both himself and his wife.

Is he in an arranged marriage? How did he end up marryin a woman if he was gay? Did he just fake being attracted to her, lie about loving her and force himself to have sex with her twice to have children? Is the whole marriage a sham? He didn't just become gay. He either has always been gay and did a pretty horrible thing to his wife and kids or he is just enamoured with the grass is always greener thought thy many who cheat have.

He was raised in an extremely religious household and even though he figured he could be gay he never allowed himself to explore that in any other way than watching porn I suppose. He truly loves his wife and had for a long time decided to simply hide his feelings. From my own research I'm learning that gay men in these situations find it difficult to dissolve their marriages because they do love their spouse. This is all very intricate and we could discuss the particulars of growing up gay and closeted for ages so I'll move on...