My married friend told me that he's gay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the comment that it's common for the passion to die down after marriage and to have crushes on other people. A lot of straight people aren't really all that attracted to their spouses anymore. That's just life.

If she saw him with gay porn, and still married him , then she must OK with him being little bi-curious, unless he flatly lied and claimed it was all a mistake somehow.

As crazy as it sounds, maybe he can try just being very open about his feelings about his male friend with her. I think it's possible that she might be open to him having this relationship as long as he is still devoted to her and she doesn't feel threatened.

Personally, if my wife said that she had feelings for another woman, I don't think I'd hold it against her, and I think I'd allow it, as long as she was still into me. I would be much more open to that than if she was into another man.

Obviously, this arrangement is not going to work for everyone.

Not for nothing, I've also discussed this as a possibility with him. They could continue to live together and try to make it work as co-parents. He has an appointment to speak with a therapist on Monday who works with mixed sexual orientation couples.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the "you got married so stay married!" responses because that could be said of any marriage. There are times when a divorce makes sense and I'm pretty damn sure this is one of those times.

Sad situation though.

[Anonymous]

Also, is he sure that he is gay? Has he never been attracted to women? I think people sometimes have feelings for members of the same sex. That doesn't automatically make you gay. I have experienced this, but never acted on it. Basically, feeling very close and even sexual towards someone of the same sex doesn't mean you are gay. In his case, he basically has a crush on a friend, at the same time that the passion in his marriage is low. I think this is confusing him.

I would recommend that he not do anything rash.




Also: ladies please take note of the fact that an apparently gay man was able to hold an erection and impregnated a woman twice. Women are wrong to assume that an inability to get an erection means lack of attraction. Sometimes, I get hard just being very relaxed, thinking about nothing. Erections are very much about being relaxed and feeling comfortable with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the responses don't take into account that this isn't the same as a man falling for another woman. If he was straight he could very well do some work with his wife to rekindle the love that was once there. In this case that possibility doesn't exist. It is just a life sentence of compounding issues. Just because you made poor decisions doesn't mean you should keep making them.

A lot of straight people don't like fucking their spouse but do it anyway lol.

Really this does suck. I feel a little more sympathy for him since he is gay but he has been fucking her (presumably more than the two times he knocked her up) so he does have the ability.

I say break it off w the emotional affair, go to counseling and figure out how to tell her (and the kids) he is gay and then figure out how to deal w that.

Cheating, gay or not, is going to make it really messy, and may actually be a bigger blow to his ego. I know a couple where the wife left husband for another woman (they had 4 kids) and it crushed him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the responses don't take into account that this isn't the same as a man falling for another woman. If he was straight he could very well do some work with his wife to rekindle the love that was once there. In this case that possibility doesn't exist. It is just a life sentence of compounding issues. Just because you made poor decisions doesn't mean you should keep making them.

A lot of straight people don't like fucking their spouse but do it anyway lol.

Really this does suck. I feel a little more sympathy for him since he is gay but he has been fucking her (presumably more than the two times he knocked her up) so he does have the ability.

I say break it off w the emotional affair, go to counseling and figure out how to tell her (and the kids) he is gay and then figure out how to deal w that.

Cheating, gay or not, is going to make it really messy, and may actually be a bigger blow to his ego. I know a couple where the wife left husband for another woman (they had 4 kids) and it crushed him.

**bigger blow to HER ego

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, is he sure that he is gay? Has he never been attracted to women? I think people sometimes have feelings for members of the same sex. That doesn't automatically make you gay. I have experienced this, but never acted on it. Basically, feeling very close and even sexual towards someone of the same sex doesn't mean you are gay. In his case, he basically has a crush on a friend, at the same time that the passion in his marriage is low. I think this is confusing him.

I would recommend that he not do anything rash.




Also: ladies please take note of the fact that an apparently gay man was able to hold an erection and impregnated a woman twice. Women are wrong to assume that an inability to get an erection means lack of attraction. Sometimes, I get hard just being very relaxed, thinking about nothing. Erections are very much about being relaxed and feeling comfortable with someone.

I'm sure he's certain because of the way he's talking about hiding his feelings for so long. You make great points though and I do think sexuality exists on a sliding scale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the responses don't take into account that this isn't the same as a man falling for another woman. If he was straight he could very well do some work with his wife to rekindle the love that was once there. In this case that possibility doesn't exist. It is just a life sentence of compounding issues. Just because you made poor decisions doesn't mean you should keep making them.

A lot of straight people don't like fucking their spouse but do it anyway lol.

Really this does suck. I feel a little more sympathy for him since he is gay but he has been fucking her (presumably more than the two times he knocked her up) so he does have the ability.

I say break it off w the emotional affair, go to counseling and figure out how to tell her (and the kids) he is gay and then figure out how to deal w that.

Cheating, gay or not, is going to make it really messy, and may actually be a bigger blow to his ego. I know a couple where the wife left husband for another woman (they had 4 kids) and it crushed him.

This is exactly what I've told him. The cheating is a distraction and he's got to stop the emotional affair. He's going through a rough time...lots of crying and pain at the realization that he can't keep this up. But even more pain at what this might do to his wife and their children. Thanks for the post

[Anonymous]

How does his sexual relationship work with his wife? Do they have sex? How has he gotten this far?

Also, how old is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does his sexual relationship work with his wife? Do they have sex? How has he gotten this far?

Also, how old is he?

He's mid-30s and he says they've been having sexy irregularly. I don't know how he's gotten this far. He says his plan was to endure the pain for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, is he sure that he is gay? Has he never been attracted to women? I think people sometimes have feelings for members of the same sex. That doesn't automatically make you gay. I have experienced this, but never acted on it. Basically, feeling very close and even sexual towards someone of the same sex doesn't mean you are gay. In his case, he basically has a crush on a friend, at the same time that the passion in his marriage is low. I think this is confusing him.

I would recommend that he not do anything rash.




Also: ladies please take note of the fact that an apparently gay man was able to hold an erection and impregnated a woman twice. Women are wrong to assume that an inability to get an erection means lack of attraction. Sometimes, I get hard just being very relaxed, thinking about nothing. Erections are very much about being relaxed and feeling comfortable with someone.

I'm sure he's certain because of the way he's talking about hiding his feelings for so long. You make great points though and I do think sexuality exists on a sliding scale.

Is he attracted to his wife? I mean, beyond "he loves her."

[Anonymous]

He should just tell her. She already knows. Let them decide together what to do..if anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, is he sure that he is gay? Has he never been attracted to women? I think people sometimes have feelings for members of the same sex. That doesn't automatically make you gay. I have experienced this, but never acted on it. Basically, feeling very close and even sexual towards someone of the same sex doesn't mean you are gay. In his case, he basically has a crush on a friend, at the same time that the passion in his marriage is low. I think this is confusing him.

I would recommend that he not do anything rash.




Also: ladies please take note of the fact that an apparently gay man was able to hold an erection and impregnated a woman twice. Women are wrong to assume that an inability to get an erection means lack of attraction. Sometimes, I get hard just being very relaxed, thinking about nothing. Erections are very much about being relaxed and feeling comfortable with someone.

I posted this before and got flamed. I'm sure a lot of men who are fine with never having sex with their wives are gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

So much judgement about how people discover themselves and make poor decisions even when they're trying to do the "right thing". I'm not him but I understand that it isn't as easy as it would seem. Especially in his religious community.

I have plenty of gay friends as well and I do know a number of them who have had marriages and have adult children now. If you're the type of person who things being gay is about dicks and not connecting to someone emotionally I don't really know what to say to you.

But you're not responding to the same scenario among straight people -- when a man (or woman) realizes he/she made a "mistake" marrying their spouse because they later fall in love with someone else. How is this different, or do you also advocate leaving a marriage when either spouse falls in love with someone else?

+1

"Oh I fell out of love/in love with someone else and so now it's best for everyone if I go chase down what I want and leave a whole family I helped create behind!" Doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, that is not right.

Why does he have to leave them behind if they aren't married anymore? He doesn't dislike her he's just a gay man who can't offer her the romantic connection he feels she deserves. He's not going to leave them with no money or upset their current housing/school situation no matter what he decides. He is just trying to determine how to best handle this.

What if she says, "Your dishonesty ruined my chances of marrying a straight man and now you have to stay with me and help me raise these kids as a married couple, because that's what I deserve"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, is he sure that he is gay? Has he never been attracted to women? I think people sometimes have feelings for members of the same sex. That doesn't automatically make you gay. I have experienced this, but never acted on it. Basically, feeling very close and even sexual towards someone of the same sex doesn't mean you are gay. In his case, he basically has a crush on a friend, at the same time that the passion in his marriage is low. I think this is confusing him.

I would recommend that he not do anything rash.




Also: ladies please take note of the fact that an apparently gay man was able to hold an erection and impregnated a woman twice. Women are wrong to assume that an inability to get an erection means lack of attraction. Sometimes, I get hard just being very relaxed, thinking about nothing. Erections are very much about being relaxed and feeling comfortable with someone.

I'm sure he's certain because of the way he's talking about hiding his feelings for so long. You make great points though and I do think sexuality exists on a sliding scale.

Is he attracted to his wife? I mean, beyond "he loves her."

He loves her but not sexually attracted to her. They both wanted children and well...here they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

So much judgement about how people discover themselves and make poor decisions even when they're trying to do the "right thing". I'm not him but I understand that it isn't as easy as it would seem. Especially in his religious community.

I have plenty of gay friends as well and I do know a number of them who have had marriages and have adult children now. If you're the type of person who things being gay is about dicks and not connecting to someone emotionally I don't really know what to say to you.

But you're not responding to the same scenario among straight people -- when a man (or woman) realizes he/she made a "mistake" marrying their spouse because they later fall in love with someone else. How is this different, or do you also advocate leaving a marriage when either spouse falls in love with someone else?

+1

"Oh I fell out of love/in love with someone else and so now it's best for everyone if I go chase down what I want and leave a whole family I helped create behind!" Doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, that is not right.

Why does he have to leave them behind if they aren't married anymore? He doesn't dislike her he's just a gay man who can't offer her the romantic connection he feels she deserves. He's not going to leave them with no money or upset their current housing/school situation no matter what he decides. He is just trying to determine how to best handle this.

What if she says, "Your dishonesty ruined my chances of marrying a straight man and now you have to stay with me and help me raise these kids as a married couple, because that's what I deserve"?

Well, anything is possible. We've discussed that as well. She's a very intelligent woman with lots to offer. I highly doubt she'll want to live her life in that fashion. She deserves better. Who are these women who want that kind of tension in life?