My married friend told me that he's gay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

So do you feel the same way for anyone who falls in love outside of marriage -- they have that right and should leave their wife (or husband)?

Actually I do. I don't think it's right to be emotionally distant from your spouse and basically keeping them in a marriage because it's easier for you.

NP here. Then you are not a good person for this friend to ask for advice. You obviously don't understand that marriages (all of them except maybe an infinitesimal few) involve waxing and waning feelings of romantic love for your spouse and sometimes a total disappearance of "romantic" love, replaced by a sense of duty or a different type of love over time.

Your friend's time to leave was BEFORE he created two children with this woman. She can leave him if she feels the lack of romantic love. He is being selfish because he's infatuated with the idea of sexing up his new crush -- don't help him rationalize how he's "protecting" his wife from "a life without romantic love" by being a huge selfish jerk and leaving her and their kids.

You think a gay person should just stay married because there are kids? This isn't about waxing and waning feelings. He's felt this way all his life on some level but blamed his absent father for it and decided to try denying it. What sort of person would suggest a person deny one of the most important part of themselves and live a lie?

My suggestions haven't been that he just leave her. My suggestion is that he TELL her so she can go to therapy with him and work out what their plan should be. But no, I don't think he should be married to her nor do I think she should be in a half-hearted marriage.

[Anonymous]

I already posted but to me it makes no difference that he is gay. Many married people fall in love with others and they are married so they are stuck making it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

So much judgement about how people discover themselves and make poor decisions even when they're trying to do the "right thing". I'm not him but I understand that it isn't as easy as it would seem. Especially in his religious community.

I have plenty of gay friends as well and I do know a number of them who have had marriages and have adult children now. If you're the type of person who things being gay is about dicks and not connecting to someone emotionally I don't really know what to say to you.

[Anonymous]

The mistakes he made don't need to be compounded by continuing to live a lie and denying his true identity. The wife needs to know what's happening with him and it'll be up to them together to decide how to deal with it. Again, chances are she's NOT going to want to stay married to someone who has denied his sexual orientation and is now getting to the point where he can't do it any longer.

Anybody been watching Masters of Sex? Reminds me of the closeted gay provost desperately trying to deny his nature and maintain his marriage, ending, most recently --
SPOILER ALERT ---

in his wife's refusal to have sex with him if he has to pretend he's fucking a man and his suicide attempt.

[Anonymous]

So many people on this board come here to complain about how their marriage sucks because there's no passion or that it feels like they're roommates and here people are saying this guy should also be just like that and consign his wife to living the same sort of existence. Crazy.

[Anonymous]

You said that the wife found gay porn before they were married, and they decided to marry anyway? She may be well aware that he is gay and perfectly happy with their marriage the way it is.

Personally I would stay out of this and tread very carefully about giving opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

So much judgement about how people discover themselves and make poor decisions even when they're trying to do the "right thing". I'm not him but I understand that it isn't as easy as it would seem. Especially in his religious community.

I have plenty of gay friends as well and I do know a number of them who have had marriages and have adult children now. If you're the type of person who things being gay is about dicks and not connecting to someone emotionally I don't really know what to say to you.

But you're not responding to the same scenario among straight people -- when a man (or woman) realizes he/she made a "mistake" marrying their spouse because they later fall in love with someone else. How is this different, or do you also advocate leaving a marriage when either spouse falls in love with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that the wife found gay porn before they were married, and they decided to marry anyway? She may be well aware that he is gay and perfectly happy with their marriage the way it is.

Personally I would stay out of this and tread very carefully about giving opinions.

She might have suspected it but was living in denial. But now confronted with the truth, she can no longer pretend it's just her unfounded suspicions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said that the wife found gay porn before they were married, and they decided to marry anyway? She may be well aware that he is gay and perfectly happy with their marriage the way it is.

Personally I would stay out of this and tread very carefully about giving opinions.

I've told him that she might be aware but even so he needs to get therapy. That's the only thing I'm saying here. I'm not telling him to divorce her. I'm telling him to be honest because she should know if she doesn't and make the appropriate choices for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

So much judgement about how people discover themselves and make poor decisions even when they're trying to do the "right thing". I'm not him but I understand that it isn't as easy as it would seem. Especially in his religious community.

I have plenty of gay friends as well and I do know a number of them who have had marriages and have adult children now. If you're the type of person who things being gay is about dicks and not connecting to someone emotionally I don't really know what to say to you.

But you're not responding to the same scenario among straight people -- when a man (or woman) realizes he/she made a "mistake" marrying their spouse because they later fall in love with someone else. How is this different, or do you also advocate leaving a marriage when either spouse falls in love with someone else?

+1

"Oh I fell out of love/in love with someone else and so now it's best for everyone if I go chase down what I want and leave a whole family I helped create behind!" Doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, that is not right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

So much judgement about how people discover themselves and make poor decisions even when they're trying to do the "right thing". I'm not him but I understand that it isn't as easy as it would seem. Especially in his religious community.

I have plenty of gay friends as well and I do know a number of them who have had marriages and have adult children now. If you're the type of person who things being gay is about dicks and not connecting to someone emotionally I don't really know what to say to you.

But you're not responding to the same scenario among straight people -- when a man (or woman) realizes he/she made a "mistake" marrying their spouse because they later fall in love with someone else. How is this different, or do you also advocate leaving a marriage when either spouse falls in love with someone else?

I advocate leaving when there are irreconcilable differences. Why be married to someone who doesn't feel a romantic connection? Maybe because my marriage is full of romantic love I want the same for other people but around here (DCUM) it seems rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

Because he's her husband and the father of her children?

You could just as easily as "why would a woman WANT to be married to a guy who fell in love with his much younger and hotter secretary? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be."

That's BS. He needs to be open and honest with his wife, but leaving her because his dick is pulling him in a different direction is a douche move, regardless of whether the guy in question is gay or straight. He's having an emotional affair, period. If he does leave, he's still the bad guy in my book.

And I have plenty of gay friends who DID NOT MARRY STRAIGHT WOMEN when they felt conflicted for years about who they were before coming out. Why would you make that commitment and then TRIPLE DOWN by having two kids and then think you midlife-crisis crush/change of sexuality entitles you to ditch your family?

So much judgement about how people discover themselves and make poor decisions even when they're trying to do the "right thing". I'm not him but I understand that it isn't as easy as it would seem. Especially in his religious community.

I have plenty of gay friends as well and I do know a number of them who have had marriages and have adult children now. If you're the type of person who things being gay is about dicks and not connecting to someone emotionally I don't really know what to say to you.

But you're not responding to the same scenario among straight people -- when a man (or woman) realizes he/she made a "mistake" marrying their spouse because they later fall in love with someone else. How is this different, or do you also advocate leaving a marriage when either spouse falls in love with someone else?

+1

"Oh I fell out of love/in love with someone else and so now it's best for everyone if I go chase down what I want and leave a whole family I helped create behind!" Doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, that is not right.

Why does he have to leave them behind if they aren't married anymore? He doesn't dislike her he's just a gay man who can't offer her the romantic connection he feels she deserves. He's not going to leave them with no money or upset their current housing/school situation no matter what he decides. He is just trying to determine how to best handle this.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the responses don't take into account that this isn't the same as a man falling for another woman. If he was straight he could very well do some work with his wife to rekindle the love that was once there. In this case that possibility doesn't exist. It is just a life sentence of compounding issues. Just because you made poor decisions doesn't mean you should keep making them.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the comment that it's common for the passion to die down after marriage and to have crushes on other people. A lot of straight people aren't really all that attracted to their spouses anymore. That's just life.

If she saw him with gay porn, and still married him , then she must OK with him being little bi-curious, unless he flatly lied and claimed it was all a mistake somehow.

As crazy as it sounds, maybe he can try just being very open about his feelings about his male friend with her. I think it's possible that she might be open to him having this relationship as long as he is still devoted to her and she doesn't feel threatened.

Personally, if my wife said that she had feelings for another woman, I don't think I'd hold it against her, and I think I'd allow it, as long as she was still into me. I would be much more open to that than if she was into another man.

Obviously, this arrangement is not going to work for everyone.