My married friend told me that he's gay...

[Anonymous]

My friend of 5 years told me two days ago that he's gay. He's having panic attacks about how he'll be able to tell his wife. They have 2 young children and he loves them dearly. The issue is that he loves his wife (really) and is disgusted by the idea of leaving them and feels it would be selfish. We've been talking and texting about it non-stop and I've reached out to find some counseling resources for both of them. He confided that she found some gay porn on his computer 8 years ago but they discussed it and decided to move forward with the relationship. At that time he gave up on it, stopped watching the porn, and basically resigned himself to living with it for the well-being of his family.

Recently, he's basically been having an emotional affair with a guy (they talk openly about their mutual feelings) who he could see himself in a relationship with and now feels he has to do something before his whole life blows up. He is a great father and one of the nicest people I've ever met.

So, if this was your husband, how would you want this conversation to unfold? What can I say to him other than direct him to counseling and encouraging him to be truthful?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

So do you feel the same way for anyone who falls in love outside of marriage -- they have that right and should leave their wife (or husband)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

So do you feel the same way for anyone who falls in love outside of marriage -- they have that right and should leave their wife (or husband)?

Actually I do. I don't think it's right to be emotionally distant from your spouse and basically keeping them in a marriage because it's easier for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

So do you feel the same way for anyone who falls in love outside of marriage -- they have that right and should leave their wife (or husband)?

Actually I do. I don't think it's right to be emotionally distant from your spouse and basically keeping them in a marriage because it's easier for you.

Are you married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

Being gay isn't a choice and people are imperfect and sometimes it takes a lot of time to figure out that they can't "make it work" for the sake of keeping up appearances. Why on earth would a woman WANT to be married to a man who's really gay? You would want that for yourself and for your children? He's a married man who loves his wife but knows he's incapable of making her as happy as she could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

So do you feel the same way for anyone who falls in love outside of marriage -- they have that right and should leave their wife (or husband)?

Actually I do. I don't think it's right to be emotionally distant from your spouse and basically keeping them in a marriage because it's easier for you.

Are you married?

I am. 15 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Because he's denying one of the core aspects of being a human. Romantic love. He's aware he isn't giving that to his wife and I've told him that by staying he's basically choosing a life without that for her as well. It isn't his right as far as I'm concerned.

So do you feel the same way for anyone who falls in love outside of marriage -- they have that right and should leave their wife (or husband)?

Actually I do. I don't think it's right to be emotionally distant from your spouse and basically keeping them in a marriage because it's easier for you.

NP here. Then you are not a good person for this friend to ask for advice. You obviously don't understand that marriages (all of them except maybe an infinitesimal few) involve waxing and waning feelings of romantic love for your spouse and sometimes a total disappearance of "romantic" love, replaced by a sense of duty or a different type of love over time.

Your friend's time to leave was BEFORE he created two children with this woman. She can leave him if she feels the lack of romantic love. He is being selfish because he's infatuated with the idea of sexing up his new crush -- don't help him rationalize how he's "protecting" his wife from "a life without romantic love" by being a huge selfish jerk and leaving her and their kids.

[Anonymous]

Would YOU want to stay married to a gay man? I certainly wouldn't want to stay in a marriage with someone who loves me, in a way, but would never be sexually satisfied with me and would be either fantasizing about having sex with men or making himself miserable trying to suppress who he really is.

He really needs to come clean with her. Chances are she'd prefer to let him go and let him be a loving, involved co-parent rather than a suppressed, suffering, closeted-gay husband.

[Anonymous]

He should be honest with DW. I hope he doesn't stay in the marriage for the sake of the family because it will be worse in the end.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is disgusted with the idea of leaving his wife, they why should he leave his wife? He loves her, they have kids. how is his having feelings for another man different from having feelings for another woman?

Yes, married with kids --- he signed on the dotted line and made a commitment, then made further commitments by having not ONE but more kids.


He's a married man, and should behave as one.

No he's not. He was a repressed, gay, married man. And that didn't work. So now he is ready to "come out."

He sounds like a decent man who loves his wife--albeit not in a romantic way and he loves his kids. He can still love them after he confronts his problem. Nothing's worse than living a pained life.