My married friend told me that he's gay...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

I agree. Are you the man in question OP? If not, are you a man or a woman?

I'm a man and If I was the guy in question I would have made the thread about me. I thought I would get responses related to my post so if I would be able to provide him with a more balanced perspective before he opens this can of worms. Only a couple of women offered information about how they would prefer their husbands to handle this situation but it seems like many of you would rather live in ignorant bliss instead of him bringing it up at all.

Are you gay or straight OP?

Straight and boring. Married and in my 40s. Why?

[Anonymous]

Your friend is awful. I don't know how I'd handle this with two young ones. I need and want a family to raise my kids. He's so selfish and he has known all along. He needed to man up years ago. She is going to go thru a lot of pain and he's ready to move on BC he's found someone. I'm sure the timing is related to coming out with that. He is selfish all the way around. I'f he needed to come out and then leave her I'd have more respect. But he's already emotionally hooked up and checked out of the marriage so the asshole is ready to bail. I think he should've come clean before the kids. He's a total loser and she deserves a real man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think you are too deeply involved in this. I doubt the wife would appreciate his confiding so much in you. It is nice you are so concerned, and it sounds like you are a good friend. I would take a step back and just listen at this point. Not offer more advice.

Not OP, but this advice is SO depressing and ridiculous. This man is having a true life crisis, and what, you want him to just think it all through by himself in silence? THIS IS WHAT CLOSE FRIENDS ARE FOR!!! The reason your post is so depressing (and a few others like your post) is it seems like maybe you and others don't have close friends in this way? Seriously, other than therapy, do you really expect people to not try to talk to close friends who they trust and who know all the players to sort this all out?

I say this in all sincerity: just about every major problem and subsequent positive change I've made in my life started with either an observation from a close friend that I wasn't ok, or me going to them to tell them what was up and ask for advice. I recently went through a huge major life stressor, and a close friend was so absolutely indespensible in helping me resolve it and learn so much from it...

Having a sounding board and getting advice is exactly what close friends are for. They know the players, they know you, and hopefully they have good advice. Sometimes they have shitty advice, which is too bad, but the person in need should always be weighing all advice (no matter how beloved the source) against their own common sense and needs. I've gotten bad advice, but it's usually pretty clear and I usually can consider the source and appreciate the desire to help without taking the advice.

Anyway, OP, good for your friend for NOT suffering in silence, and good for you for caring enough to really try to get info and ideas and help. I actually really disagree with your assumptions that once his wife knows she'll of course not want to stay married, and I disagree that that is the inevitable result. But I appreciate your desire to help him and I still think you should give him advice, even if I disagree with it.

And PP, I hope you are lucky enough to find new close friends - the kind who tell you what you don't want to hear in the most loving and supportive ways possible, because we all have truths about ourselves that we need reflected back in ways that eventually we can learn from and maybe even fix.

[Anonymous]

I know of two situations like this where the man came out after marrying and having children with a woman, and in both cases, many years down the road, after a lot of heartache, the exes are on good terms and the whole gang (including gay partner) spends holidays together.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I've ever said this before...I think they should have an open marriage if they really are good friends and like coparenting.

[Anonymous]

Who ARE you OP? Are you the man? Are you a student? Are you the boyfriend of the man in question?

This is all so crazy since once again it is the year 2014 and it is NOT 1950!

I do not care how religious anyone is (and OP, you did not say where you were posting from). If your friend is living in the middle of nowhere or perhaps on Mars where no one has ever heard of homosexuals before then perhaps I can understand his distress.

Maybe he is living in an Amish community somewhere in Pennsylvania?

This all sounds so far fetched.

Good luck with your science experiment.

[Anonymous]

Considering that children are involved, this situation must be handled as delicately as possible.

[Anonymous]

I hope things work out. Some men commit suicide in these situations.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to be very close friends. Did you ever suspect he was gay? Do you know the wife well? How do you think she will react? How old are the children? Will they understand what is going on?

[Anonymous]

I've known people in similar situations who came out in the 1960's. It was difficult, but everyone is okay now.

OP is a troll or using this tread as research for school or for some other means.

I call BULLSHIT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I hear of a gay person marrying a straight person of the opposite sex, it often comes off as though the sraight person is being used just to have children. If my husband did this to me, I think I would feel he used me to pop out some kids for him.

In this case it sounds like the wife knew he at least leaned this way. She might be less surprised than he imagines.

My ex-husband absolutely used me to have children, the house to attain the appearance of being 'normal' to his law partners, family and church community.
Unfortunately, I found gay porn 8 years on the family computer 7 years and 2 kids into the marriage- I was devastated because the life I thought I had was a complete and utter lie. I hate when people assume the wife knew and blame her. However, one friend out of many family and friends that met my fiancé did ask me if my fiancé was gay. I point blank asked my fiancé and he said no. We met at church and he was very religious. My fiancé seemed interested in me, responded to me sexually etc. Flash forward and six months into the marriage he is less interested in sex (begging off with excuses that medication is making him tired, coming to bed later than me) but starts saying he wants to start a family a year after we are married a year. We have two kids and my sex drive goes very low, so sex wasn't an issue until we got out of toddler phase...husband goes to doctor gets prescription for Viagra (?!!) hoping it will increase his sex drive but it didn't...one night 7 years into marriage everything clicked, his preoccupation with gay couple across the street, his love of certain Broadway shows, and I asked him if we was attracted to other men and he said yes before I could finish the question. I was hysterical and inconsolable and ashamed that my relationship and marriage was a lie. He said he was sexually molested as a child and that he was sexually confused and didn't want to have same sex attraction issues. He agreed to go to counseling to work through the childhood issues, and he did for 3 months. But once the secret was out btwn us he became very mean, verbally abusive because I was making him acknowledge the truth which he preferred to hide. I began to realize that he'd put on a show to everyone, his family, friends, etc. and I was damaging the image he wanted to project. Like I said in year 8, I found the gay porn on the computer after his counseling, after he said he was devoted to me etc...so I filed for divorce and took the kids and left him. He talked about and trashed me to anyone who would listen because he didn't want his secret out so he tried to ruin my credibility in case I told anyone. In reality, I told just a few close friends who were helping me during my separation because I was ashamed that I had been used. He dragged out the divorce, made it unnecessarily contentious and continued to wear his wedding ring(?!). I hate that my husband was closeted- this is D.C.,so it was unnecessary and he could have been open and out- but I hate even more that I was used by a narcissist. I have moved on but this was a very painful chapter that I've learned and grown from.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who went through this and went to a Straight Spouses support meeting. It was all fat women who had been used at beards by closeted catholic men, who just didn't want to be gay. This devastated her as she is beautiful but heavy. Oddly, Her husband refused to end the marriage until she finally kicked him out. In a way, he could only focus on what a great person he was who held it together for the family for so long. To my friend, he was someone who used her and created a life that was a complete lie.

They should end the marriage as all it can produce is more anxiety and lies.

[Anonymous]

He needs to tell her and they need to figure out what to do TOGETHER. It worked the last time, didn't it? They stayed together for 8 years after the pron incident. Who's to say that they can't work something out that works for both of them. THEY need to talk about this, nobody else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I hear of a gay person marrying a straight person of the opposite sex, it often comes off as though the sraight person is being used just to have children. If my husband did this to me, I think I would feel he used me to pop out some kids for him.

In this case it sounds like the wife knew he at least leaned this way. She might be less surprised than he imagines.

My ex-husband absolutely used me to have children, the house to attain the appearance of being 'normal' to his law partners, family and church community.
Unfortunately, I found gay porn 8 years on the family computer 7 years and 2 kids into the marriage- I was devastated because the life I thought I had was a complete and utter lie. I hate when people assume the wife knew and blame her. However, one friend out of many family and friends that met my fiancé did ask me if my fiancé was gay. I point blank asked my fiancé and he said no. We met at church and he was very religious. My fiancé seemed interested in me, responded to me sexually etc. Flash forward and six months into the marriage he is less interested in sex (begging off with excuses that medication is making him tired, coming to bed later than me) but starts saying he wants to start a family a year after we are married a year. We have two kids and my sex drive goes very low, so sex wasn't an issue until we got out of toddler phase...husband goes to doctor gets prescription for Viagra (?!!) hoping it will increase his sex drive but it didn't...one night 7 years into marriage everything clicked, his preoccupation with gay couple across the street, his love of certain Broadway shows, and I asked him if we was attracted to other men and he said yes before I could finish the question. I was hysterical and inconsolable and ashamed that my relationship and marriage was a lie. He said he was sexually molested as a child and that he was sexually confused and didn't want to have same sex attraction issues. He agreed to go to counseling to work through the childhood issues, and he did for 3 months. But once the secret was out btwn us he became very mean, verbally abusive because I was making him acknowledge the truth which he preferred to hide. I began to realize that he'd put on a show to everyone, his family, friends, etc. and I was damaging the image he wanted to project. Like I said in year 8, I found the gay porn on the computer after his counseling, after he said he was devoted to me etc...so I filed for divorce and took the kids and left him. He talked about and trashed me to anyone who would listen because he didn't want his secret out so he tried to ruin my credibility in case I told anyone. In reality, I told just a few close friends who were helping me during my separation because I was ashamed that I had been used. He dragged out the divorce, made it unnecessarily contentious and continued to wear his wedding ring(?!). I hate that my husband was closeted- this is D.C.,so it was unnecessary and he could have been open and out- but I hate even more that I was used by a narcissist. I have moved on but this was a very painful chapter that I've learned and grown from.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I hope you are happier now and find someone to spend your life with.

[Anonymous]

As a bi married man, let me provide my perspective. I am monogamous and have no desire to have sex with men or women other than my wife. And my wife knew about my history when we met.

It is incredibly scary for a man to find out he is turned on by other guys. Girls Gone Wild kissing each other and men think its great, two guys kiss and everyone thinks it's disgusting. When it happened to me early 20's, and I had never thought that I was gay or bi before that, it was terrifying. I had to rethink, who am I? what is my attraction? how will my life be?

For these men who are married and realize they are gay, they have gone through an enormous amount of internal torture. They are ashamed, disappointed, and feel they will be rejected by everyone they have ever known. They hurt for their spouse, whom they have obviously loved and worry about if they will ever be close to their children.

I understand posters saying the husband should man up, take responsibility, etc. but unless you have walked in the shoes of someone confused about their sexuality, please don't pass judgment too hastily.