Ex says I’m ‘taking’ DD - she’s almost 18 and choosing to stay here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

You can't punish someone into liking you. Dad's experiencing the consequences of years of parenting decisions.

It seems you're assuming Dad is at fault for bad parenting, and this sounds like a mom-parenting issue. Mom is using all kinds of excuses to block visits. So, kid picks up on it and agrees to make her happy. This is alienation. Surely there are better ways to punish your ex beyond severing their relationship with their child and if you choose to do that, then stop taking money from them. And, take a parenting class.

I'm assuming Dad's at fault here because of how he's reacting to the current situation and because of how LW described the divorce.

He's months away from the kid being an adult and is trying to coerce things instead of building a mutual relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

She is nearly 18. It's not on mom to make it happen anymore. If he wants to see his daughter more often, that's on him. And I also love how you completely ignored the fact that he refuses to come get his daughter, even though he can. So, like every other man I know, you like to complain about how horrible you ex is for not picking up your slack. Do the work and you won't have this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

Poor baby. Somehow mom can make her go but the dad can't. See how dumb you sound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really can’t force a 17-year-old to do something, and I think that’s what a lot of people here are overlooking. When my daughter (now 27) was around 12–13, she went through a phase where she didn’t want to go to her dad’s house. She was starting to push boundaries (becoming a teen), and he wasn’t willing to tolerate the attitude, so there was a lot of conflict, during a period of time, and she didn’t want to visit him.

At that age, though, he still enforced the visits. I usually drove her but, If she refused to go, he’d show up, wait outside, and when she still wouldn’t come out, he’d come in and pick her up and take her to his car. This went on for like two months until she realized she wasn’t going to get out of it.

But by the time she was an older teen, it was different. There were times she didn’t want to go to either house, and we were more flexible and let her have a say. It’s just not the same trying to enforce something with a 17-year-old. If the dad isn’t even willing to communicate with his daughter, I’m not sure what the solution is.

Of course you can. You force your kids to do other things they don't want to all the time. Its called parenting. She probably knew you didn't want the visits and was trying to please you.

I force my kids to do all kinds of things they don't want to. It's called parenting, try it.

So, if your kids don't want to go to school, bathe, eat, do schoolwork, etc. you are ok with it? I have no issues enforcing rules and consequences with my teens as we have that relationship. Clearly you don't.

Dad can come and get her and force her then. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

If this is 50/50 custody then dad is just as equal of a parent as mom, with the same responsibility to enforce rules, discipline, and transport her. Mom's "job" isn't to present perfectly behaved kids in a nicely wrapped bow and then deal with the problems later on her own time. If mom is the only person that can exercise control over the child then give her full custody. Dad can't have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really can’t force a 17-year-old to do something, and I think that’s what a lot of people here are overlooking. When my daughter (now 27) was around 12–13, she went through a phase where she didn’t want to go to her dad’s house. She was starting to push boundaries (becoming a teen), and he wasn’t willing to tolerate the attitude, so there was a lot of conflict, during a period of time, and she didn’t want to visit him.

At that age, though, he still enforced the visits. I usually drove her but, If she refused to go, he’d show up, wait outside, and when she still wouldn’t come out, he’d come in and pick her up and take her to his car. This went on for like two months until she realized she wasn’t going to get out of it.

But by the time she was an older teen, it was different. There were times she didn’t want to go to either house, and we were more flexible and let her have a say. It’s just not the same trying to enforce something with a 17-year-old. If the dad isn’t even willing to communicate with his daughter, I’m not sure what the solution is.

That sounds pretty traumatic! I'm wondering what kind of relationship they have now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

You can't punish someone into liking you. Dad's experiencing the consequences of years of parenting decisions.

This is it exactly. If she enjoyed her time with her dad, and was able to relax and be herself while in his home, this wouldn't be an issue. I bet dad spends a good portion of time with her making her feel guilty and bashing her mother. Which is exhausting for an already tired teenager. So it's easier to avoid than battle. This is all on him and his previous years of parenting. This is the groundwork HE has laid. Mom being her safe space is not harming dad. He could have created that environment too. But he didn't. And now court mandated time is almost over and he will have an adult who gets to CHOOSE and he's realizing he might not get chosen.

Don't blame mom for being a good, steady parent. Ask why dad DOESN'T have that (hint: it's on his actions, not mom's).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

You can't punish someone into liking you. Dad's experiencing the consequences of years of parenting decisions.

This is it exactly. If she enjoyed her time with her dad, and was able to relax and be herself while in his home, this wouldn't be an issue. I bet dad spends a good portion of time with her making her feel guilty and bashing her mother. Which is exhausting for an already tired teenager. So it's easier to avoid than battle. This is all on him and his previous years of parenting. This is the groundwork HE has laid. Mom being her safe space is not harming dad. He could have created that environment too. But he didn't. And now court mandated time is almost over and he will have an adult who gets to CHOOSE and he's realizing he might not get chosen.

Don't blame mom for being a good, steady parent. Ask why dad DOESN'T have that (hint: it's on his actions, not mom's).

"But I paid! I'm owed the time! She's turning the kids against me! I have no idea why!!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child.
My daughter doesn’t want to sleep over at my ex’s house at this point of the year. This has been happening for a couple weeks. I tell her to go every week, but she refuses to go. He could come and get her, but he doesn’t care to. There were periods where my daughter wanted to stay at my ex’s house for weeks, within the last few months, instead of mine, and I never fought him, and respected her decision. He just uses this as a way to attack. She still sees him a lot, calls him, sleepovers occasionally, but not consistently. She’s not cutting him out, by not sleeping there half the time.

Why should he? Your child is rejecting her father. If she’s grown enough to make the decision to cut out contact, she’s old enough to support herself and pay for college. If she’s grown refuses, there are consequences. You are letting a child make decisions that are parent decisions that she should not be allowed to. Yes, she is cutting him out. A text or call is not the same.

i don’t think you are reading what the OP is saying. “she sees hm a lot and sleeps over occasionally.” “She has stayed at my ex’s house for week, with in the last few months”.

It sounds like, as her senior year is ended- it is easier for her and her schedule to sleep at mom’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

Why doesn't Dad go get her and put her in the car kicking and screaming? Cute that he wants mom to be bad cop here. He has created a situation when his daughter doesn't want to visit him. It's his kid too, why can't he enforce it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

Why doesn't Dad go get her and put her in the car kicking and screaming? Cute that he wants mom to be bad cop here. He has created a situation when his daughter doesn't want to visit him. It's his kid too, why can't he enforce it?

He sounds like the kind of parent who's obsessed with his "rights" but not actually being a parent. Treats kids as property more than people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat surprised that you think he should move on from a relationship with his daughter. I know age 17 seems mature, but it isn't. You need to encourage your daughter to stick to the visitation schedule so he has a chance to develop a relationship with her as she becomes a young adult. No, you can't force her, but you can tell her it's important to you that she do so. Can you guys come to a compromise here? He's not wrong...

He's entirely wrong. If he lived close to her school or drove her to activities, then he would be actually helpful to her, instead of eating away extra time she does not have. You don't seem to understand that high schoolers are BUSY. Incredibly so. My teen right now doesn't have a minute to spare between her activities, keeping up her grades, and preparing for AP exams in May. If she had to schlep to a different house further away, that wouldn't work at all, regardless of how much she loved that parent!

And that's before we take into consideration this insane person's constant threats. That's not how you build a relationship with your teen. He should have been a good parent so that she'd have wanted a relationship in the first place, enough to make an effort to talk to him and visit him. But here? No way. He has shown that he cannot connect with his child on an emotional level and resorts to threats to force a physical presence. He does not understand the first thing about being a parent, and probably will never understand.

The only reason to stay courteous is to make college payments run smoothly, if he agreed to contribute. College is incredibly expensive, and it's worth biting your tongue and making some compromises for that.

No, he’s not her taxi service. Of course your teen has time. I hope this dad does not pay for college if he’s no longer having a relationship.

This is absolutely insane. You are probably a deadbeat dad all pissed off that you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with a woman or your child and you’re projecting some “gold digger” crap because you think the fact you have a job gives you inherent value. (spoiler, it doesn’t)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat surprised that you think he should move on from a relationship with his daughter. I know age 17 seems mature, but it isn't. You need to encourage your daughter to stick to the visitation schedule so he has a chance to develop a relationship with her as she becomes a young adult. No, you can't force her, but you can tell her it's important to you that she do so. Can you guys come to a compromise here? He's not wrong...

He's entirely wrong. If he lived close to her school or drove her to activities, then he would be actually helpful to her, instead of eating away extra time she does not have. You don't seem to understand that high schoolers are BUSY. Incredibly so. My teen right now doesn't have a minute to spare between her activities, keeping up her grades, and preparing for AP exams in May. If she had to schlep to a different house further away, that wouldn't work at all, regardless of how much she loved that parent!

And that's before we take into consideration this insane person's constant threats. That's not how you build a relationship with your teen. He should have been a good parent so that she'd have wanted a relationship in the first place, enough to make an effort to talk to him and visit him. But here? No way. He has shown that he cannot connect with his child on an emotional level and resorts to threats to force a physical presence. He does not understand the first thing about being a parent, and probably will never understand.

The only reason to stay courteous is to make college payments run smoothly, if he agreed to contribute. College is incredibly expensive, and it's worth biting your tongue and making some compromises for that.

No, he’s not her taxi service. Of course your teen has time. I hope this dad does not pay for college if he’s no longer having a relationship.

This is absolutely insane. You are probably a deadbeat dad all pissed off that you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with a woman or your child and you’re projecting some “gold digger” crap because you think the fact you have a job gives you inherent value. (spoiler, it doesn’t)

If you aren't a gold digger and don't want your kids to have a relationship with their dad, why are you still taking his money? If you want to be the sole parent, that includes financial responsibiliies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

If you have that parenting relationship kids understand and just do it. In this case on has checked out on parenting and refuses any responsibility. My teens know that there are just some things we do and if not there are consequences in terms of phone, activities, money, etc.

The dad has checked out of parenting. He doesn't want to pick the daughter up. Then he doesn't get to complain.

She's refusing to go. Dad isn't refusing to get the child, but if Mom will not enforce it, what can he do? Stop blaming him when mom came on here to find ways around to block contact/parenting time.

Why doesn't Dad go get her and put her in the car kicking and screaming? Cute that he wants mom to be bad cop here. He has created a situation when his daughter doesn't want to visit him. It's his kid too, why can't he enforce it?

He sounds like the kind of parent who's obsessed with his "rights" but not actually being a parent. Treats kids as property more than people.

How is a parent wanting their time share and to see their kids a bad parent or treating their kids like property? If these kids are so busy and mom supports it, then kids go live with dad and she can visit them occasionally! Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat surprised that you think he should move on from a relationship with his daughter. I know age 17 seems mature, but it isn't. You need to encourage your daughter to stick to the visitation schedule so he has a chance to develop a relationship with her as she becomes a young adult. No, you can't force her, but you can tell her it's important to you that she do so. Can you guys come to a compromise here? He's not wrong...

He's entirely wrong. If he lived close to her school or drove her to activities, then he would be actually helpful to her, instead of eating away extra time she does not have. You don't seem to understand that high schoolers are BUSY. Incredibly so. My teen right now doesn't have a minute to spare between her activities, keeping up her grades, and preparing for AP exams in May. If she had to schlep to a different house further away, that wouldn't work at all, regardless of how much she loved that parent!

And that's before we take into consideration this insane person's constant threats. That's not how you build a relationship with your teen. He should have been a good parent so that she'd have wanted a relationship in the first place, enough to make an effort to talk to him and visit him. But here? No way. He has shown that he cannot connect with his child on an emotional level and resorts to threats to force a physical presence. He does not understand the first thing about being a parent, and probably will never understand.

The only reason to stay courteous is to make college payments run smoothly, if he agreed to contribute. College is incredibly expensive, and it's worth biting your tongue and making some compromises for that.

No, he’s not her taxi service. Of course your teen has time. I hope this dad does not pay for college if he’s no longer having a relationship.

This is absolutely insane. You are probably a deadbeat dad all pissed off that you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with a woman or your child and you’re projecting some “gold digger” crap because you think the fact you have a job gives you inherent value. (spoiler, it doesn’t)

If you aren't a gold digger and don't want your kids to have a relationship with their dad, why are you still taking his money? If you want to be the sole parent, that includes financial responsibiliies.

Spoken like a true dead beat that you are. If they have 50/50 custody agreement, it is very unlikely that she gets child support. Now, let me explain to you what child support is. It's court-mandated for men like you who think that their measly couple of hundred a month means they can behave any which way they want. It goes towards providing for the child you brought into this world. It is not out of the goodness of your heart or a favor to the mother of your child. It's the bare minimum to ensure that the actual parent gets a little bit of help.