Ex says I’m ‘taking’ DD - she’s almost 18 and choosing to stay here.

[Anonymous]

Ex and I divorced when DD was 7 after a long, high-conflict custody battle. Early on, he pushed hard for full custody and took me to court with all kinds of claims/excuses, and it’s basically been ongoing ever since—constant threats to drag me back to court over one thing or another.

DD is now a senior and turns this summer. Between school, activities, and friends, she’s very busy, and lately she’s been choosing to stay primarily with me. I live close to her school and social life, and she has never liked going back and forth between houses.

He recently sent another long, accusatory message saying I’m “taking his daughter away from him” and is again threatening court. The reality is DD just doesn’t want to go to his house at this point. I’m not forcing anything either way, and I don’t feel like I can control this anymore even if I wanted to.
There’s a long history here of conflict and undermining, so this is just more of the same. I’ve tried to limit communication, but obviously we still have to be in touch.

I’m exhausted and counting down the days until this is over. I honestly can’t wait until I don’t have to see his face or hear from him again. It seems like he can’t move on and it is very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately as your DD becomes an adult she needs to learn to open her mouth. It’s not a comfortable conversation to tell your dad that you’re not interested in spending time with them, but if that’s how she feels and that’s what she wants, she needs to be a grown up and own her actions.

Your obligation to facilitating this relationship is coming to an end. Now you need to support your DD as she learns to stand up for herself.

[Anonymous]

I am somewhat surprised that you think he should move on from a relationship with his daughter. I know age 17 seems mature, but it isn't. You need to encourage your daughter to stick to the visitation schedule so he has a chance to develop a relationship with her as she becomes a young adult. No, you can't force her, but you can tell her it's important to you that she do so. Can you guys come to a compromise here? He's not wrong...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat surprised that you think he should move on from a relationship with his daughter. I know age 17 seems mature, but it isn't. You need to encourage your daughter to stick to the visitation schedule so he has a chance to develop a relationship with her as she becomes a young adult. No, you can't force her, but you can tell her it's important to you that she do so. Can you guys come to a compromise here? He's not wrong...

I don’t think he should move on from the relationship, but all the court cases and threats keep everything tense, and he can never seem calm or at peace. He’s still angry about the divorce. She’s chosen not to go there anymore, and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s no compromise with him at all—we’ve been to court so many times I’ve lost count.

[Anonymous]

You're so close, OP! Just a few more months. It's not her responsibility to transport herself there. You reply that he's welcome to come pick her up at the designated visitation times, and then let him deal with it.

[Anonymous]

It's such a ridiculous threat because no lawyer would go to court over the custody of a 17.75 year-old child. Eventually, you will have to be in the same room as him and it's up to you to be the sane adult because he clearly is not.

[Anonymous]

I mean, he's right...

[Anonymous]

I have an ex that is an absolute dirtbag. I encourage my child to have good boundaries and figure out how to have a relationship with Dad that works for them. It's a good life lesson to not give up on relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately as your DD becomes an adult she needs to learn to open her mouth. It’s not a comfortable conversation to tell your dad that you’re not interested in spending time with them, but if that’s how she feels and that’s what she wants, she needs to be a grown up and own her actions.

Your obligation to facilitating this relationship is coming to an end. Now you need to support your DD as she learns to stand up for herself.

+1

[Anonymous]

He’s ridiculous. He needs to learn to respect his daughter and her wishes.

[Anonymous]

almost 18 is not 18

[Anonymous]

How often does he see her? How far away does he live from you?
She should be able to see him for dinner, ask him to take her to activities, watch her games etc. without her being “ at his house”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat surprised that you think he should move on from a relationship with his daughter. I know age 17 seems mature, but it isn't. You need to encourage your daughter to stick to the visitation schedule so he has a chance to develop a relationship with her as she becomes a young adult. No, you can't force her, but you can tell her it's important to you that she do so. Can you guys come to a compromise here? He's not wrong...

He's entirely wrong. If he lived close to her school or drove her to activities, then he would be actually helpful to her, instead of eating away extra time she does not have. You don't seem to understand that high schoolers are BUSY. Incredibly so. My teen right now doesn't have a minute to spare between her activities, keeping up her grades, and preparing for AP exams in May. If she had to schlep to a different house further away, that wouldn't work at all, regardless of how much she loved that parent!

And that's before we take into consideration this insane person's constant threats. That's not how you build a relationship with your teen. He should have been a good parent so that she'd have wanted a relationship in the first place, enough to make an effort to talk to him and visit him. But here? No way. He has shown that he cannot connect with his child on an emotional level and resorts to threats to force a physical presence. He does not understand the first thing about being a parent, and probably will never understand.

The only reason to stay courteous is to make college payments run smoothly, if he agreed to contribute. College is incredibly expensive, and it's worth biting your tongue and making some compromises for that.

[Anonymous]

He’s right. You created this and now got what you wanted. Hope you don’t expect him to pay for college. No relationship, no money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am somewhat surprised that you think he should move on from a relationship with his daughter. I know age 17 seems mature, but it isn't. You need to encourage your daughter to stick to the visitation schedule so he has a chance to develop a relationship with her as she becomes a young adult. No, you can't force her, but you can tell her it's important to you that she do so. Can you guys come to a compromise here? He's not wrong...

He's entirely wrong. If he lived close to her school or drove her to activities, then he would be actually helpful to her, instead of eating away extra time she does not have. You don't seem to understand that high schoolers are BUSY. Incredibly so. My teen right now doesn't have a minute to spare between her activities, keeping up her grades, and preparing for AP exams in May. If she had to schlep to a different house further away, that wouldn't work at all, regardless of how much she loved that parent!

And that's before we take into consideration this insane person's constant threats. That's not how you build a relationship with your teen. He should have been a good parent so that she'd have wanted a relationship in the first place, enough to make an effort to talk to him and visit him. But here? No way. He has shown that he cannot connect with his child on an emotional level and resorts to threats to force a physical presence. He does not understand the first thing about being a parent, and probably will never understand.

The only reason to stay courteous is to make college payments run smoothly, if he agreed to contribute. College is incredibly expensive, and it's worth biting your tongue and making some compromises for that.

No, he’s not her taxi service. Of course your teen has time. I hope this dad does not pay for college if he’s no longer having a relationship.