Ex says I’m ‘taking’ DD - she’s almost 18 and choosing to stay here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce lawyer here.

1. IF you are not leaving anything out, then you're not doing anything wrong. It is not only normal but it is expected that as teens turn into adults, they become more independent and have their own preferences and minds.

2. No judge is going to make a kid 16+ visit another parent. That's how we get runaways on our hands. We call them the "600 pound gorilla" because they choose where they go and when they go. Those that are saying mom needs to make it happen, how do you suggest she do that? Physically pick her up? Take her phone and car? Push her out of the home?

3. When people say that I hope he doesn't pay for college then they have no understanding of how humans operate. First, he may not have a legal obligation to pay for college. Second, if he does, he has to regardless whether he sees the kid ever. Third, if he can afford to and chooses not to to punish the kid, then he will fracture the relationship.

4. I don't see the mom as aliening so much based on what she is saying. Dad is seeing the kid but the visits have decreased to no overnights. My suggestion would be that you propose to both dad and kid that dad take additional days or times to make up for the lost overnights. So if kid saw dad for Fri-Sunday every other weekend and now it is Fri evening for dinner and Sunday for brunch, I'd offer 1-2 more meals OR taking her to an activity, etc. during the week.

My guess is mom also sees the kid less, bc kid is acting like a normal 17 year old and is spending a lot of time with friends before they all scatter to different places. I also suspect that kid is well aware of how mom feels about dad which isn't ideal...but such is human nature.

There is an order in place. If mom wants it changed she needs to go back to court. You are telling them it’s ok not to follow the order and that’s not ok. If daughter stops seeing dad there is no more relationship and if she is grown up enough to make that choice she’s grown up enough to pay for her own college.

Wrong. I am saying if dad has visitation F-Sunday and kid says I will see him for dinner and then I am coming home Friday night for the remainder of the weekend, mom is unable to force kid to go and stay. She should say, "you're supposed to see dad this whole weekend..." but if kid out and out refuses, she can't do much about it. I did not say it's okay for mom to not follow the order...but kid is at an age that you can't force KID to follow the order because kid can drive and decide where or where not to go. A 7 year old can be told, "get in the car NOW!" but that doesn't work well with a kid who is nearly an adult.

Mom's position should be: I want you to have a relationship with her and I want you to see her. I support that but I cannot force her to get into your car or force her to drive to your home. I will continue to tell her it's your weekend.

Mom's position should not be: and come hell or high water... you WILL be shoved into dad's car at 6 p.m. tonight.

- Div Lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, he's right...

not even a little bit. Kids that age gravitate toward the parents who have put in the time and effort to have a good relationship. Guilt trips don't work. If he were a better father, she'd want to spend time with him. He only has himself to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child.
My daughter doesn’t want to sleep over at my ex’s house at this point of the year. This has been happening for a couple weeks. I tell her to go every week, but she refuses to go. He could come and get her, but he doesn’t care to. There were periods where my daughter wanted to stay at my ex’s house for weeks, within the last few months, instead of mine, and I never fought him, and respected her decision. He just uses this as a way to attack. She still sees him a lot, calls him, sleepovers occasionally, but not consistently. She’s not cutting him out, by not sleeping there half the time.

Why should he? Your child is rejecting her father. If she’s grown enough to make the decision to cut out contact, she’s old enough to support herself and pay for college. If she’s grown refuses, there are consequences. You are letting a child make decisions that are parent decisions that she should not be allowed to. Yes, she is cutting him out. A text or call is not the same.

What a despicable thing to do. Selfish people like you parent selfishly. Then you wonder why your adult kids want nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re enjoying this, OP. Hope he still pays for college.

Of course, they are enjoying it. Dad should not pay for college. Mom can figure it out.

Mom is not keeping the daughter from seeing her dad. If you were a better parent, this wouldn't be happening to you.

[Anonymous]

I have to believe that the people who are telling mom that she has to force her 17 yr old DD to go to dad don't have late stage teenagers.

My DD is 5'9 and 160lbs, my 15yr old DS is 6'3 and 220. How exactly does one adult force another adult to do something they don't want to do. Sure you can take away her phone but teenagers are stubborn, that still may not "force" her to visit with dad if she doesn't want to.

Please tell me step by step. Give me the instructions because I don't see and I can't understand how it works. What I can understand is that mom conveys to DD that she should visit with dad and that he is still her parent too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can take you back to court, but how can a judge compel the daughter to go to dad's house. As long as OP is not withholding or preventing access, she is doing nothing wrong. The daughter is 17. Maybe dad should listen to her.

If she’s telling the daughter it’s her choice and not enforcing the agreement, she is in the wrong.

It is her choice. It's not her fault her parents divorced.

[Anonymous]

I do enjoy people who decide to make financial threats and college threats over a kid not wanting to sleep over. Because that's just an excellent way to permanently destroy any relationship you have with your kid.

I mean also good lord who would try to wreck their kid's future like that? It's incredibly telling.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child.
My daughter doesn’t want to sleep over at my ex’s house at this point of the year. This has been happening for a couple weeks. I tell her to go every week, but she refuses to go. He could come and get her, but he doesn’t care to. There were periods where my daughter wanted to stay at my ex’s house for weeks, within the last few months, instead of mine, and I never fought him, and respected her decision. He just uses this as a way to attack. She still sees him a lot, calls him, sleepovers occasionally, but not consistently. She’s not cutting him out, by not sleeping there half the time.

Well then that's that.

[Anonymous]

"Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child."

This is weird. She's also the mom's child. Maybe these are parents with working class jobs that can't afford to cover tuition. Maybe the mom makes as much or even more than the dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce lawyer here.

1. IF you are not leaving anything out, then you're not doing anything wrong. It is not only normal but it is expected that as teens turn into adults, they become more independent and have their own preferences and minds.

2. No judge is going to make a kid 16+ visit another parent. That's how we get runaways on our hands. We call them the "600 pound gorilla" because they choose where they go and when they go. Those that are saying mom needs to make it happen, how do you suggest she do that? Physically pick her up? Take her phone and car? Push her out of the home?

3. When people say that I hope he doesn't pay for college then they have no understanding of how humans operate. First, he may not have a legal obligation to pay for college. Second, if he does, he has to regardless whether he sees the kid ever. Third, if he can afford to and chooses not to to punish the kid, then he will fracture the relationship.

4. I don't see the mom as aliening so much based on what she is saying. Dad is seeing the kid but the visits have decreased to no overnights. My suggestion would be that you propose to both dad and kid that dad take additional days or times to make up for the lost overnights. So if kid saw dad for Fri-Sunday every other weekend and now it is Fri evening for dinner and Sunday for brunch, I'd offer 1-2 more meals OR taking her to an activity, etc. during the week.

My guess is mom also sees the kid less, bc kid is acting like a normal 17 year old and is spending a lot of time with friends before they all scatter to different places. I also suspect that kid is well aware of how mom feels about dad which isn't ideal...but such is human nature.

There is an order in place. If mom wants it changed she needs to go back to court. You are telling them it’s ok not to follow the order and that’s not ok. If daughter stops seeing dad there is no more relationship and if she is grown up enough to make that choice she’s grown up enough to pay for her own college.

Wrong. I am saying if dad has visitation F-Sunday and kid says I will see him for dinner and then I am coming home Friday night for the remainder of the weekend, mom is unable to force kid to go and stay. She should say, "you're supposed to see dad this whole weekend..." but if kid out and out refuses, she can't do much about it. I did not say it's okay for mom to not follow the order...but kid is at an age that you can't force KID to follow the order because kid can drive and decide where or where not to go. A 7 year old can be told, "get in the car NOW!" but that doesn't work well with a kid who is nearly an adult.

Mom's position should be: I want you to have a relationship with her and I want you to see her. I support that but I cannot force her to get into your car or force her to drive to your home. I will continue to tell her it's your weekend.

Mom's position should not be: and come hell or high water... you WILL be shoved into dad's car at 6 p.m. tonight.

- Div Lawyer

So, if you are ok with mom violating the order, then it’s ok dad violate it and not pay child support or pay college? I’m amazed at how many people allow the kids to run their home. If your kid behaves that way, you give them consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child."

This is weird. She's also the mom's child. Maybe these are parents with working class jobs that can't afford to cover tuition. Maybe the mom makes as much or even more than the dad.

The expectation on here is dad pays for everything. No, if mom and kid stop the relationship, on paper she is his kid but not in reality. If you want to cut out your child’s other parent step up and pay for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

A PP asked you to provide specific instructions on how one would make their 17 year old follow the schedule. Haven't heard any answer yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Emotionally stunted people turn to threats, ultimatums and throw tantrums. Emotionally mature parents pick up the phone, call their 17 year old and say "dad really misses you. I know you're super busy and I get that but I would love it if we could spend some time together."

Mature parents don’t allow their kids to not follow the schedule and cut a parent out of their life. How would you feel only seeing your kids once a week or every few weeks for dinner, if that. This shouldn’t even be an option.

Mature parents act like parents and not petulant teenagers themselves. Teens push away from their parents. Threats and whining destroy the relationship.