Ex says I’m ‘taking’ DD - she’s almost 18 and choosing to stay here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child.
My daughter doesn’t want to sleep over at my ex’s house at this point of the year. This has been happening for a couple weeks. I tell her to go every week, but she refuses to go. He could come and get her, but he doesn’t care to. There were periods where my daughter wanted to stay at my ex’s house for weeks, within the last few months, instead of mine, and I never fought him, and respected her decision. He just uses this as a way to attack. She still sees him a lot, calls him, sleepovers occasionally, but not consistently. She’s not cutting him out, by not sleeping there half the time.

Why should he? Your child is rejecting her father. If she’s grown enough to make the decision to cut out contact, she’s old enough to support herself and pay for college. If she’s grown refuses, there are consequences. You are letting a child make decisions that are parent decisions that she should not be allowed to. Yes, she is cutting him out. A text or call is not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is way younger but at one point definitely looked at a calendar, saw when she would turn 18, and said that at least he couldn’t turn prom and graduation into a tantrum.

Sorry, OP. The words you’re quoting are ones my STBX has said to us, too. It’s always taking “my daugher”, “my rights”, “blocking my time”. I’ve fantasized about taking the “I”, “M” and “Y” letters off his keyboard to see if he can still write a sentence.

All those things said are correct. You are encouraging your daughter's behavior and she is doing it to please you. Until college, you stick to the schedule. How would you feel if your ex sabatoged your relationship, stopped visits (you are the parent giving them permission or telling them to) and only used you for money?

Ehh no. The kid is 17, not 5. She isn’t encouraging anything, her child chose to not sleep over there. Why would she be choosing to please OP and not her dad?

If she’s grown enough to cut out her dad, she’s grown enough to financially support herself.

Yeah that's not going to fly with a judge.

[Anonymous]

You’re enjoying this, OP. Hope he still pays for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is way younger but at one point definitely looked at a calendar, saw when she would turn 18, and said that at least he couldn’t turn prom and graduation into a tantrum.

Sorry, OP. The words you’re quoting are ones my STBX has said to us, too. It’s always taking “my daugher”, “my rights”, “blocking my time”. I’ve fantasized about taking the “I”, “M” and “Y” letters off his keyboard to see if he can still write a sentence.

All those things said are correct. You are encouraging your daughter's behavior and she is doing it to please you. Until college, you stick to the schedule. How would you feel if your ex sabatoged your relationship, stopped visits (you are the parent giving them permission or telling them to) and only used you for money?

Ehh no. The kid is 17, not 5. She isn’t encouraging anything, her child chose to not sleep over there. Why would she be choosing to please OP and not her dad?

If she’s grown enough to cut out her dad, she’s grown enough to financially support herself.

Yeah that's not going to fly with a judge.

Its also not going to fly that OP terminated visitation/contact and refusing to parent. And, in many states orders stop at 18 and college is voluntary so Dad can decide based off their relationship. The parent supporting the no contact should fully financially support the child if they are cutting the other parent out.

How would you feel if your child stopped seeing you and the parent supported it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re enjoying this, OP. Hope he still pays for college.

Of course, they are enjoying it. Dad should not pay for college. Mom can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child.
My daughter doesn’t want to sleep over at my ex’s house at this point of the year. This has been happening for a couple weeks. I tell her to go every week, but she refuses to go. He could come and get her, but he doesn’t care to. There were periods where my daughter wanted to stay at my ex’s house for weeks, within the last few months, instead of mine, and I never fought him, and respected her decision. He just uses this as a way to attack. She still sees him a lot, calls him, sleepovers occasionally, but not consistently. She’s not cutting him out, by not sleeping there half the time.

Why should he? Your child is rejecting her father. If she’s grown enough to make the decision to cut out contact, she’s old enough to support herself and pay for college. If she’s grown refuses, there are consequences. You are letting a child make decisions that are parent decisions that she should not be allowed to. Yes, she is cutting him out. A text or call is not the same.

Too bad for dad. He is on the hook whether she likes hanging out with him or not. She didn’t ask to be born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child.
My daughter doesn’t want to sleep over at my ex’s house at this point of the year. This has been happening for a couple weeks. I tell her to go every week, but she refuses to go. He could come and get her, but he doesn’t care to. There were periods where my daughter wanted to stay at my ex’s house for weeks, within the last few months, instead of mine, and I never fought him, and respected her decision. He just uses this as a way to attack. She still sees him a lot, calls him, sleepovers occasionally, but not consistently. She’s not cutting him out, by not sleeping there half the time.

Why should he? Your child is rejecting her father. If she’s grown enough to make the decision to cut out contact, she’s old enough to support herself and pay for college. If she’s grown refuses, there are consequences. You are letting a child make decisions that are parent decisions that she should not be allowed to. Yes, she is cutting him out. A text or call is not the same.

Too bad for dad. He is on the hook whether she likes hanging out with him or not. She didn’t ask to be born.

You’re naive. He’s not on the hook in most cases once kid is 18.

[Anonymous]

Dad needs to step up and be the adult. He needs to show DD that he cares. That means going to her on her terms. If she has after school practice, he shows up to watch. He texts her and asks to take her to dinner. He texts her and asks how her day went, how the math test went.

People are saying OP isn’t facilitating the relationship. What is dad doing to build this relationship? What did he do or not do that it has gotten to this point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often does he see her? How far away does he live from you?
She should be able to see him for dinner, ask him to take her to activities, watch her games etc. without her being “ at his house”

She does see him, and do things with him. She just isn’t staying there. Yes, he’s paying for college, and she just isn’t going there not being she doesn’t want a relationship, but because being there during this time of her senior year is hard. She’s not putting anything above him. I can’t do anything to make her stay over.

Teenagers are difficult. Between school, sports, friends, and a part-time job, we barely see our parents who live with us full-time since they started driving. Maybe her behavior is more typical teen behavior and less about the divorce or favored parent.

If Dad is paying child support, there is no need for the child to be working part-time during the school year. We have teens. They are in multiple activities each multiple days a week and yet, we still spend a lot of time together. Maybe your kids don't want to spend time with you, but you also set it up that way. Either way, there is an agreement in place and OP needs to follow the court order. Stop using things as an excuse.

NP, I disagree that teens should work only if the family needs the money.

[Anonymous]

Divorce lawyer here.

1. IF you are not leaving anything out, then you're not doing anything wrong. It is not only normal but it is expected that as teens turn into adults, they become more independent and have their own preferences and minds.

2. No judge is going to make a kid 16+ visit another parent. That's how we get runaways on our hands. We call them the "600 pound gorilla" because they choose where they go and when they go. Those that are saying mom needs to make it happen, how do you suggest she do that? Physically pick her up? Take her phone and car? Push her out of the home?

3. When people say that I hope he doesn't pay for college then they have no understanding of how humans operate. First, he may not have a legal obligation to pay for college. Second, if he does, he has to regardless whether he sees the kid ever. Third, if he can afford to and chooses not to to punish the kid, then he will fracture the relationship.

4. I don't see the mom as aliening so much based on what she is saying. Dad is seeing the kid but the visits have decreased to no overnights. My suggestion would be that you propose to both dad and kid that dad take additional days or times to make up for the lost overnights. So if kid saw dad for Fri-Sunday every other weekend and now it is Fri evening for dinner and Sunday for brunch, I'd offer 1-2 more meals OR taking her to an activity, etc. during the week.

My guess is mom also sees the kid less, bc kid is acting like a normal 17 year old and is spending a lot of time with friends before they all scatter to different places. I also suspect that kid is well aware of how mom feels about dad which isn't ideal...but such is human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child is way younger but at one point definitely looked at a calendar, saw when she would turn 18, and said that at least he couldn’t turn prom and graduation into a tantrum.

Sorry, OP. The words you’re quoting are ones my STBX has said to us, too. It’s always taking “my daugher”, “my rights”, “blocking my time”. I’ve fantasized about taking the “I”, “M” and “Y” letters off his keyboard to see if he can still write a sentence.

All those things said are correct. You are encouraging your daughter's behavior and she is doing it to please you. Until college, you stick to the schedule. How would you feel if your ex sabatoged your relationship, stopped visits (you are the parent giving them permission or telling them to) and only used you for money?

Ehh no. The kid is 17, not 5. She isn’t encouraging anything, her child chose to not sleep over there. Why would she be choosing to please OP and not her dad?

If she’s grown enough to cut out her dad, she’s grown enough to financially support herself.

Yeah that's not going to fly with a judge.

Its also not going to fly that OP terminated visitation/contact and refusing to parent. And, in many states orders stop at 18 and college is voluntary so Dad can decide based off their relationship. The parent supporting the no contact should fully financially support the child if they are cutting the other parent out.

How would you feel if your child stopped seeing you and the parent supported it?

No, judges give older teens leeway in choosing their living arrangements.

Dad is living the consequences of his actions in regards to his relationship with his kid. That doesn't change the legal obligations he has in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying for college?

He is, why wouldn’t he? She is his child.
My daughter doesn’t want to sleep over at my ex’s house at this point of the year. This has been happening for a couple weeks. I tell her to go every week, but she refuses to go. He could come and get her, but he doesn’t care to. There were periods where my daughter wanted to stay at my ex’s house for weeks, within the last few months, instead of mine, and I never fought him, and respected her decision. He just uses this as a way to attack. She still sees him a lot, calls him, sleepovers occasionally, but not consistently. She’s not cutting him out, by not sleeping there half the time.

Why should he? Your child is rejecting her father. If she’s grown enough to make the decision to cut out contact, she’s old enough to support herself and pay for college. If she’s grown refuses, there are consequences. You are letting a child make decisions that are parent decisions that she should not be allowed to. Yes, she is cutting him out. A text or call is not the same.

Too bad for dad. He is on the hook whether she likes hanging out with him or not. She didn’t ask to be born.

No, he’s not always. If you don’t follow the order why should he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce lawyer here.

1. IF you are not leaving anything out, then you're not doing anything wrong. It is not only normal but it is expected that as teens turn into adults, they become more independent and have their own preferences and minds.

2. No judge is going to make a kid 16+ visit another parent. That's how we get runaways on our hands. We call them the "600 pound gorilla" because they choose where they go and when they go. Those that are saying mom needs to make it happen, how do you suggest she do that? Physically pick her up? Take her phone and car? Push her out of the home?

3. When people say that I hope he doesn't pay for college then they have no understanding of how humans operate. First, he may not have a legal obligation to pay for college. Second, if he does, he has to regardless whether he sees the kid ever. Third, if he can afford to and chooses not to to punish the kid, then he will fracture the relationship.

4. I don't see the mom as aliening so much based on what she is saying. Dad is seeing the kid but the visits have decreased to no overnights. My suggestion would be that you propose to both dad and kid that dad take additional days or times to make up for the lost overnights. So if kid saw dad for Fri-Sunday every other weekend and now it is Fri evening for dinner and Sunday for brunch, I'd offer 1-2 more meals OR taking her to an activity, etc. during the week.

My guess is mom also sees the kid less, bc kid is acting like a normal 17 year old and is spending a lot of time with friends before they all scatter to different places. I also suspect that kid is well aware of how mom feels about dad which isn't ideal...but such is human nature.

There is an order in place. If mom wants it changed she needs to go back to court. You are telling them it’s ok not to follow the order and that’s not ok. If daughter stops seeing dad there is no more relationship and if she is grown up enough to make that choice she’s grown up enough to pay for her own college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often does he see her? How far away does he live from you?
She should be able to see him for dinner, ask him to take her to activities, watch her games etc. without her being “ at his house”

She does see him, and do things with him. She just isn’t staying there. Yes, he’s paying for college, and she just isn’t going there not being she doesn’t want a relationship, but because being there during this time of her senior year is hard. She’s not putting anything above him. I can’t do anything to make her stay over.

Teenagers are difficult. Between school, sports, friends, and a part-time job, we barely see our parents who live with us full-time since they started driving. Maybe her behavior is more typical teen behavior and less about the divorce or favored parent.

If Dad is paying child support, there is no need for the child to be working part-time during the school year. We have teens. They are in multiple activities each multiple days a week and yet, we still spend a lot of time together. Maybe your kids don't want to spend time with you, but you also set it up that way. Either way, there is an agreement in place and OP needs to follow the court order. Stop using things as an excuse.

NP, I disagree that teens should work only if the family needs the money.

If dad is paying child support, plus mom contributes her share, having a child work should then be factored into the child support as where is that money going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad needs to step up and be the adult. He needs to show DD that he cares. That means going to her on her terms. If she has after school practice, he shows up to watch. He texts her and asks to take her to dinner. He texts her and asks how her day went, how the math test went.

People are saying OP isn’t facilitating the relationship. What is dad doing to build this relationship? What did he do or not do that it has gotten to this point?

No, dad needs to be dad and keep the same schedule. If mom says kid is so busy and no time, kid should move in with dad and mom can have occasional visits. Dinner once a week or every few weeks is not a relationship or parenting. Text about a math test is not a relationship.