How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think op is sock puppeting supportive posts.

Um no I'm not. Geez

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted this before.

No I have not. WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

I’ve lost all sympathy for you OP. I wouldn’t want to deal with you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

I’ve lost all sympathy for you OP. I wouldn’t want to deal with you either.

Ok cool. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP, your posts are so angry and you seem more focused on making your parents/brother listen to you than on helping. It’s like you’re trying to find resolution to childhood issues as your parents are entering major disability. I don’t know what happened with them in the past (DCUM really doesn’t like it when you drop major info later in the thread that changes context and frequently views the new info skeptically).

So your parents are now vulnerable people. The chance of meaningful reconciliation is low. You can nope out but you can’t really have expectations from them. So what about your brother? Do you want to try to salvage that relationship or do you want to be done?

I think that’s really where you are, do you want to be involved in ways that are not going to bring you near term satisfaction either because you feel a sense of duty or a hope to restore a relationship with your brother? Or are you just done?

[Anonymous]

New poster and I’ve only read the original post.
I am in a similar situation, my brother is away and I am the one caregiving.
I think your brother feels resentment because he wants to be able to go on vacation and not put his life on hold for the old people who keep living though their quality of life is sh*t.
What helps me in this situation is that my brother takes on the financial aspect of this, and I get some money for caring for our parent. Not a lot, considering I have to buy them groceries, but it helps to alleviate the resentment.
I am also a more mature person so I just ask him to take over at least the emotional side of it sometimes, to talk to them instead of me or take them somewhere when he visits (which only happens once a year btw).
I think you should go there alone, don’t bring the rest of the family, and spend at least a week. Try talking to your brother about it.
Offer him something, idk, maybe he needs money? Or offer a respite once a year. I think you don’t understand how two old senile people can suck all life out of you

[Anonymous]

Get up there. Go. Help him.

[Anonymous]

Having been in this situation I can tell you that your brother doesn’t want 1) suggestions and 2) the added burden of telling you what to do and when/how to do it. If in fact you want to be helpful then it’s relatively simple. Rather than looking at it as helping your parents look at it as helping your brother, ask him what he needs, give him your dates of visits and travel well in advance and ask if those dates work (allows him the opportunity to plan to be away) take on one aspect of care that you do completely. Identify what needs doing and just do it, take the initiative to lighten the burden of responsibility (it can be as simple as dealing with the logistics of maintaining their household and ensuring their bills are paid to identifying specialists, arranging prescription delivery, setting up grocery delivery) Do not raise an issue without also having the intention of resolving that same issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

This strikes me as disingenuous. If the issue was that helping with care led to you being abused or caused trauma, I’d think you would have mentioned that in the initial post. And I say that as a person who is low-contact with my parents because of abuse.

It strikes me that you’re upset you didn’t get the validation you’re looking for, so you’re changing the story to elicit sympathy.

If the issue is that your family is abusive, you need to draw clear boundaries with them, including around communication, and stop permitting the guilt trips. There should be no expectation that you’ll help because you’ve said so.

The abuse was not about helping with care. It's been going on for 30 years as I said. I have been low contact because of this - this is the whole point of my post. I've been LOW contact.

You said: "I'm not available to be abused or mistreated." That sounds like you're concerned that visiting with them will subject you to abuse. Is that not the case? That is my point, if helping your parents results in additional trauma, I'd have expected that to be raised as a major issue up front as to why you're clearly avoiding it.

Low contact is fine. But then I don't see why you're arguing: "I'm doing as much as I can. I don't see what more my family can ask for, and my brother signed up for this." It would be about how you need to maintain boundaries regardless of their need or desire for your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is off the rails.

OP, it seems like your brother’s question basically nailed it: are you done with your parents or do you plan to be involved?

That is a real question, and it’s at the heart of it all. Only you can answer. First be honest with yourself about the answer. Get a therapist if that’s a struggle. Once you are honest with yourself, be honest with your brother. If you’re done, you’re done. But know it, and face it, and have the strength to say it directly.

If you’re not done, figure out what you can do and discuss that directly.

I wish you the best. I really do.

Thank you. This is something I've wrestled with for a very long time. I have a therapist and my dealings with my family have been a major part of what's been discussed over the years. Many friends have told me to cut them out of my life for the way they have treated me and my family over the years - especially my Mom. My husband is very angry at my Mom and brother and thinks I should say sorry no. There's a part inside of me that's absolutely struggling with whether to be done or stay involved.

I know for certain I will not be able to get through a time period there without being verbally attacked. They only keep it together when there's the buffer of my husband there. My therapist has advised me not to be on my own with them. If I go I will have to do it alone bc my Husband will have to be here to work and get the kids where they need to be each day.

The reality is if I do this I know I'll be doing it for myself bc no matter what I have done in the past I've always been told it's never enough. I have been told that Christmas visits "didn't count" because it was only 3 nights - even though they know we also had to travel to be with my husband's family too. I spent a week sleeping on a bench in a hospital when my Mom had a major surgery years ago bc I didn't want to leave my Dad alone. I spent a week with my Dad to help him when my Mom was in the hospital another time. I have spent many visits driving my Mom into the nearby city for appointments she's had. I'm sure it's not enough help, certainly not as much as if I lived there. The bottom line is I'm not moving there. I need to decide what I can do and that's what it's going to have to be.

Respectfully, you sound like you believe the decision is to be made somewhere in the future. But if it’s been going on for a while and you haven’t been showing up, then you have already been making the decision, just without naming it — to yourself or to your family.

There is no later moment for deciding — that time passed. Now there’s only a possible “too late.” That’s what your brother is saying — maybe with hostility, but also with clarity.

Be clear in your response, not wishy washy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster and I’ve only read the original post.
I am in a similar situation, my brother is away and I am the one caregiving.
I think your brother feels resentment because he wants to be able to go on vacation and not put his life on hold for the old people who keep living though their quality of life is sh*t.
What helps me in this situation is that my brother takes on the financial aspect of this, and I get some money for caring for our parent. Not a lot, considering I have to buy them groceries, but it helps to alleviate the resentment.
I am also a more mature person so I just ask him to take over at least the emotional side of it sometimes, to talk to them instead of me or take them somewhere when he visits (which only happens once a year btw).
I think you should go there alone, don’t bring the rest of the family, and spend at least a week. Try talking to your brother about it.
Offer him something, idk, maybe he needs money? Or offer a respite once a year. I think you don’t understand how two old senile people can suck all life out of you

This. And don’t try to have meaningful discussions. They are likely confused and ill. They will be nasty, all sick demented old people generally are.
Just do what needs to be done, appreciate all your brother does, and ask what else you can do.
I wish one of my siblings would give me a week off.

[Anonymous]

Op, I feel for you. I am in a somewhat similar situation. Caring for abusive parents can bring up a lot of unresolved issues.

The best thing to do is figure out what you can/cannot do and communicate this. Prepare for hostile responses because your brother/family are probably very stressed and will release this on you as a target. Will likely bring up trauma about historical abuse.

In all honesty, it sounds like your family has a lot of help already lined up. I wonder how much of this is your sibling expecting perfection and wanting to go above and beyond, versus facing reality and understanding that sometimes you have to accept you can’t do it all as a caregiver and sometimes it has to be good enough, and the parents will be ok. I am sure I will be roasted for this, but this is reality when caregivers have jobs, young children and their own health issues and mental health to take care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have enough time to write all that maybe you have more time to help out.

PREACH

Lots and lots of time to whine about feelings. No wonder brother is annoyed, he’s actually getting stuff done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster and I’ve only read the original post.
I am in a similar situation, my brother is away and I am the one caregiving.
I think your brother feels resentment because he wants to be able to go on vacation and not put his life on hold for the old people who keep living though their quality of life is sh*t.
What helps me in this situation is that my brother takes on the financial aspect of this, and I get some money for caring for our parent. Not a lot, considering I have to buy them groceries, but it helps to alleviate the resentment.
I am also a more mature person so I just ask him to take over at least the emotional side of it sometimes, to talk to them instead of me or take them somewhere when he visits (which only happens once a year btw).
I think you should go there alone, don’t bring the rest of the family, and spend at least a week. Try talking to your brother about it.
Offer him something, idk, maybe he needs money? Or offer a respite once a year. I think you don’t understand how two old senile people can suck all life out of you

OP added a bunch of abuse stuff after people didn’t agree with OP, so their whole premise has changed plus they’ve gotten super snippy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster and I’ve only read the original post.
I am in a similar situation, my brother is away and I am the one caregiving.
I think your brother feels resentment because he wants to be able to go on vacation and not put his life on hold for the old people who keep living though their quality of life is sh*t.
What helps me in this situation is that my brother takes on the financial aspect of this, and I get some money for caring for our parent. Not a lot, considering I have to buy them groceries, but it helps to alleviate the resentment.
I am also a more mature person so I just ask him to take over at least the emotional side of it sometimes, to talk to them instead of me or take them somewhere when he visits (which only happens once a year btw).
I think you should go there alone, don’t bring the rest of the family, and spend at least a week. Try talking to your brother about it.
Offer him something, idk, maybe he needs money? Or offer a respite once a year. I think you don’t understand how two old senile people can suck all life out of you

OP added a bunch of abuse stuff after people didn’t agree with OP, so their whole premise has changed plus they’ve gotten super snippy.

Yes, somehow it’s not about helping two ailing and elderly people and a worn out brother but it’s all about how much OP is a victim in all this.