Reply to How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This thread is off the rails.

OP, it seems like your brother’s question basically nailed it: are you done with your parents or do you plan to be involved?

That is a real question, and it’s at the heart of it all. Only you can answer. First be honest with yourself about the answer. Get a therapist if that’s a struggle. Once you are honest with yourself, be honest with your brother. If you’re done, you’re done. But know it, and face it, and have the strength to say it directly.

If you’re not done, figure out what you can do and discuss that directly.

I wish you the best. I really do. [/quote]

Thank you. This is something I've wrestled with for a very long time. I have a therapist and my dealings with my family have been a major part of what's been discussed over the years. Many friends have told me to cut them out of my life for the way they have treated me and my family over the years - especially my Mom. My husband is very angry at my Mom and brother and thinks I should say sorry no. There's a part inside of me that's absolutely struggling with whether to be done or stay involved.

I know for certain I will not be able to get through a time period there without being verbally attacked. They only keep it together when there's the buffer of my husband there. My therapist has advised me not to be on my own with them. If I go I will have to do it alone bc my Husband will have to be here to work and get the kids where they need to be each day.

The reality is if I do this I know I'll be doing it for myself bc no matter what I have done in the past I've always been told it's never enough. I have been told that Christmas visits "didn't count" because it was only 3 nights - even though they know we also had to travel to be with my husband's family too. I spent a week sleeping on a bench in a hospital when my Mom had a major surgery years ago bc I didn't want to leave my Dad alone. I spent a week with my Dad to help him when my Mom was in the hospital another time. I have spent many visits driving my Mom into the nearby city for appointments she's had. I'm sure it's not enough help, certainly not as much as if I lived there. The bottom line is I'm not moving there. I need to decide what I can do and that's what it's going to have to be.[/quote]

Respectfully, you sound like you believe the decision is to be made somewhere in the future. But if it’s been going on for a while and you haven’t been showing up, then you have already been making the decision, just without naming it — to yourself or to your family.

There is no later moment for deciding — that time passed. Now there’s only a possible “too late.”  That’s what your brother is saying — maybe with hostility, but also with clarity.

Be clear in your response, not wishy washy. 
[/quote]

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