How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

OP said "I'm happy with coordinating and helping if we can talk like adults and make a respectful plan in advance."

The guy is exhausted. He doesn't need planners. He needs someone to help with the physical labor.

Fly out (by yourself) for a week. Clean the apartment. Buy the groceries. Cook the meals. Replace parents clothing. Pick up meds, Drive to doctor appointments. Talk with PT etc.Pick up depends, replace the sheets that have holes in them from bleach, do the laundry, service the car, gas up the car, haul stuff to goodwill, and pay the bills. Buy a lazyboy. Buy chux. Buy more depends. Get hair cuts. Pedicures.

On the plus side your parents are in an apartment so he does not have yard care or roof care.

Please give your brother a break and start picking up the load.

One month notice is plenty of time to ask for assistance.

I also gave my sister updates over a 6 year period. It was exhausting and just one more thing on top of the daily heavy work. If I had to do it over again, I would have given a lot less updates. She did not visit once in 6 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope the parents leave all the money to the brother who showed up not the one who had prior commitments and other vacations planned.

And you know the worthless sibling will fight to get their share, using the excuse of sibling manipulated parents into leaving everything to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope the parents leave all the money to the brother who showed up not the one who had prior commitments and other vacations planned.

And you know the worthless sibling will fight to get their share, using the excuse of sibling manipulated parents into leaving everything to them.

Of course. And then it will be all about how evil that sibling is and it was "their choice" to move home so therefore they should be doing 100% of the work, for free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope the parents leave all the money to the brother who showed up not the one who had prior commitments and other vacations planned.

Op here
This is already happening. I don't have a relationship with our Mom bc she is abusive. I'm fine with it, he should get the money. He is doing the work.

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is so long, I can't even tell when you are available.

Offer up several weeks throughout the year -- way, way ahead of time. Weekends, something. 12 months or more ahead of time. Email so it's in writing. Get some back written communication going so he can plan his vacations.

Forget the emotional aspect of this. Hurt or being insulted doesn't override a consistent approach and a consistent attempt at doing the right or best thing.

[Anonymous]

Op here

Ok so I'm hearing that me asking when would be a good time to come is too much of a burden. I should just show up whenever then? And for how long should I stay? I need to be able to make arrangements with my company and family, which I don't think is unreasonable.

It's too much trouble for him to discuss this with me. And when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?

I don't have the money for an indefinite hotel stay there or a flight. I have to drive. My family can only afford one drivable vacation a year, so we're not "living it up" down here while they are suffering. They vacation 3-4 times per year, that's their business and they are entitled to do so.

My parents will not be back to their apartment any time soon. They have just gotten or are going to a rehab facility. When they do go home they will again have a live-in aide as they did before. They have a cleaning service for their apartment. Their meals are provided by the facility they live in. I don't have access to their banking or accounts to pay bills only my brother does.

I'm not trying to make excuses I'm honestly trying to process this and understand what needs to be done so I can make a plan.

Yes I know PPs think I'm horrible. I've dealt with a lot of crazy, disfunctional shit from my family which is left there 30 years ago. It's incredibly anxiety provoking to have to go there and the idea of going there alone for an extended period of time is actually scary to me. I know you won't understand that.

I don't have a much relationship with my abusive mom. I haven't had a relationship with my brother bc he's always been an unhappy, angry person (way before this) and he's always trying to start political fights I won't engage in. I've spent years trying to put some healthier boundaries up so I can maintain some level.of relationship with my family. I've had years of therapy to navigate my very disfunctional relationship with them.

So I'm trying to process how I manage this. Over what period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have enough time to write all that maybe you have more time to help out.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Ok so I'm hearing that me asking when would be a good time to come is too much of a burden. I should just show up whenever then? And for how long should I stay? I need to be able to make arrangements with my company and family, which I don't think is unreasonable.

It's too much trouble for him to discuss this with me. And when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?

I don't have the money for an indefinite hotel stay there or a flight. I have to drive. My family can only afford one drivable vacation a year, so we're not "living it up" down here while they are suffering. They vacation 3-4 times per year, that's their business and they are entitled to do so.

My parents will not be back to their apartment any time soon. They have just gotten or are going to a rehab facility. When they do go home they will again have a live-in aide as they did before. They have a cleaning service for their apartment. Their meals are provided by the facility they live in. I don't have access to their banking or accounts to pay bills only my brother does.

I'm not trying to make excuses I'm honestly trying to process this and understand what needs to be done so I can make a plan.

Yes I know PPs think I'm horrible. I've dealt with a lot of crazy, disfunctional shit from my family which is left there 30 years ago. It's incredibly anxiety provoking to have to go there and the idea of going there alone for an extended period of time is actually scary to me. I know you won't understand that.

I don't have a much relationship with my abusive mom. I haven't had a relationship with my brother bc he's always been an unhappy, angry person (way before this) and he's always trying to start political fights I won't engage in. I've spent years trying to put some healthier boundaries up so I can maintain some level.of relationship with my family. I've had years of therapy to navigate my very disfunctional relationship with them.

So I'm trying to process how I manage this. Over what period of time.

Well yes, it only works if he's able to have a calm conversation with you. But here's what you do. Pick a time a few months from now. Tell your brother that you can come at that time. Make your own arrangements how to travel and where to stay-- do not expect his help with this. Decide on your own how long to stay. Spend the time visiting your parents, and ask your brother what most needs to be done that weekend. Then do whatever he says. If he doesn't have any ideas, suggest something that you've observed. If he does not want to see you during that time, fine. Spend the time with your parents and surely you can find some errands to run or something.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of dysfunction and that's the underlying problem here. But where you said "when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?"-- well, what happens when your brother has a work trip or needs to be with his kids or wife? Then what? If you're able to say that to him and walk away, then he can also say it to you and walk away, right? You seem to think having moved away means you get to drop in and out at will, and he's stuck with being the main caregiver and first responder all the time that you don't want to be in town. Is that fair?

[Anonymous]

If OP's parents have aides at their apartment and a meal delivery service, then OP's brother is free to go on vacation without anyone "covering." Seriously, what's the issue? It doesn't sound like their is cognitive decline. They can call 9-1-1 of there is a legit emergency.

But I also agree OP needs to go up and meet with the parents/brother in person to see what else could be done. And OP should tell the brother when she is visiting (way ahead of time, in writing), so OP's brother knows when she can fill in.

Other than that, sounds like OP's brother is getting the entire inheritance and OP thinks that's reasonable.

These aren't terrible issues.

[Anonymous]

^ISN'T cognitive decline. Sorry

[Anonymous]

People are living much longer and it's unrealistic to expect one sibling to do the lion's share simply because they chose to live near the parent.

Can they afford outsourcing? If so, talk to him about having them use their money to hire a case manager who checks on them and coordinates all care. An accountant can manage their finances or you can even hire a bookeeper. There are services for this.

The case mananger can hire out people to drive them to appointments and even aides to come with them.

If they cannot afford any of this you need to speak with the council and aging and figure out what can be done. This is unsustainable. Also, watch the attitude about how "he chose to live there." If he chooses to move overseas then you are the one living closer and you chose to do that! Focus on solutions not playing hot potato.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Ok so I'm hearing that me asking when would be a good time to come is too much of a burden. I should just show up whenever then? And for how long should I stay? I need to be able to make arrangements with my company and family, which I don't think is unreasonable.

It's too much trouble for him to discuss this with me. And when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?

I don't have the money for an indefinite hotel stay there or a flight. I have to drive. My family can only afford one drivable vacation a year, so we're not "living it up" down here while they are suffering. They vacation 3-4 times per year, that's their business and they are entitled to do so.

My parents will not be back to their apartment any time soon. They have just gotten or are going to a rehab facility. When they do go home they will again have a live-in aide as they did before. They have a cleaning service for their apartment. Their meals are provided by the facility they live in. I don't have access to their banking or accounts to pay bills only my brother does.

I'm not trying to make excuses I'm honestly trying to process this and understand what needs to be done so I can make a plan.

Yes I know PPs think I'm horrible. I've dealt with a lot of crazy, disfunctional shit from my family which is left there 30 years ago. It's incredibly anxiety provoking to have to go there and the idea of going there alone for an extended period of time is actually scary to me. I know you won't understand that.

I don't have a much relationship with my abusive mom. I haven't had a relationship with my brother bc he's always been an unhappy, angry person (way before this) and he's always trying to start political fights I won't engage in. I've spent years trying to put some healthier boundaries up so I can maintain some level.of relationship with my family. I've had years of therapy to navigate my very disfunctional relationship with them.

So I'm trying to process how I manage this. Over what period of time.

OP, that feels defensive and an over-simplification. But I also see that you're basically in a no-win here. (I wrote a long post about how difficult it is to be a caregiver on the ground, so I'm not an anti-help person.) I'm also guessing that you are sensitive. You want to do something so that you can stop the guilting. That might not be possible.

I think a pp mentioned about spending summers with the grandmother because that was when her dad could go there to help. Is there any way you can stay in an Airbnb for a week every quarter? Two weeks 2x/year? Something with some regularity? It would bring you up to speed on all that is going on. It could also get you in the loop, and help you see what needs to be done, and figuring out how you can help from DC in a meaningful way, in a way that your mom and brother aren't willing to figure out themselves.

And at this stage, they probably don't need any additional, regular help. It sounds like it is the constant surprises combined with your mom and brother who are difficult and angry to begin with.

Maybe you just say to your brother, please give me X notice when you are going on vacation so I can plan around that.

If you're still in therapy, I would talk through this. This isn't going to get better or easier. The only thing that I have found that helps is plenty of money AND someone in the trenches with you to talk/vent/share/provide support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope the parents leave all the money to the brother who showed up not the one who had prior commitments and other vacations planned.

Op here
This is already happening. I don't have a relationship with our Mom bc she is abusive. I'm fine with it, he should get the money. He is doing the work.

I just posted, but if she is abusive that changes things a little. If she has money you outsource EVERYTHING and thank him profusely for all he has done many times. If she doesn't have money you see what she qualifies for for free and yoiu have adult protective services check in on her as needed. You make it clear due to abuse you cannot take her in, he cannot take her/them in and he can no longer be involved. When the parent ends up in the hospital you let the social worker know the situation and the social worker will find a safe placement for release.

[Anonymous]

You apologize, clear your schedule, and you stay in their home while he gets a much needed break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Ok so I'm hearing that me asking when would be a good time to come is too much of a burden. I should just show up whenever then? And for how long should I stay? I need to be able to make arrangements with my company and family, which I don't think is unreasonable.

It's too much trouble for him to discuss this with me. And when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?

I don't have the money for an indefinite hotel stay there or a flight. I have to drive. My family can only afford one drivable vacation a year, so we're not "living it up" down here while they are suffering. They vacation 3-4 times per year, that's their business and they are entitled to do so.

My parents will not be back to their apartment any time soon. They have just gotten or are going to a rehab facility. When they do go home they will again have a live-in aide as they did before. They have a cleaning service for their apartment. Their meals are provided by the facility they live in. I don't have access to their banking or accounts to pay bills only my brother does.

I'm not trying to make excuses I'm honestly trying to process this and understand what needs to be done so I can make a plan.

Yes I know PPs think I'm horrible. I've dealt with a lot of crazy, disfunctional shit from my family which is left there 30 years ago. It's incredibly anxiety provoking to have to go there and the idea of going there alone for an extended period of time is actually scary to me. I know you won't understand that.

I don't have a much relationship with my abusive mom. I haven't had a relationship with my brother bc he's always been an unhappy, angry person (way before this) and he's always trying to start political fights I won't engage in. I've spent years trying to put some healthier boundaries up so I can maintain some level.of relationship with my family. I've had years of therapy to navigate my very disfunctional relationship with them.

So I'm trying to process how I manage this. Over what period of time.

Well yes, it only works if he's able to have a calm conversation with you. But here's what you do. Pick a time a few months from now. Tell your brother that you can come at that time. Make your own arrangements how to travel and where to stay-- do not expect his help with this. Decide on your own how long to stay. Spend the time visiting your parents, and ask your brother what most needs to be done that weekend. Then do whatever he says. If he doesn't have any ideas, suggest something that you've observed. If he does not want to see you during that time, fine. Spend the time with your parents and surely you can find some errands to run or something.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of dysfunction and that's the underlying problem here. But where you said "when I say I have to go home bc I have a work trip or my husband has a work trip so someone needs to be there with the kids, then what?"-- well, what happens when your brother has a work trip or needs to be with his kids or wife? Then what? If you're able to say that to him and walk away, then he can also say it to you and walk away, right? You seem to think having moved away means you get to drop in and out at will, and he's stuck with being the main caregiver and first responder all the time that you don't want to be in town. Is that fair?

This statement isn't fair. OP doesn't live there. The parents have plenty of help at this point. The brother is on the ground and has to deal with a lot, no question, but what do you really expect OP to do when she doesn't live there. Mom gets a UTI and OP has to get on a plane and pick her up and take her to the doctor? A UTI has to be treated asap, otherwise the UTI starts presenting at dementia in most elderly. (Resolved with antibiotics.) After rehab, the parents will have the aides and help they had before.

This definitely feels like a case where the brother is not pleasant to begin with and is taking out his frustration with the situation on OP. And I say this as an on-the-ground caregiver.