How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

If it’s a longer drive, go every other weekend and stay at a motel or alternative between friends’ houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a longer drive, go every other weekend and stay at a motel or alternative between friends’ houses.

It will have to be a hotel or crash in their empty apartment. Not an area full of Air B&Bs. No one I know well still lives there. It's a 6 hour drive each way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

And they are wealthy so OP wants to appear engaged just enough to not get disinherited but doesn't actually want to lift a finger to help them.

Read what I said. I have no interest in their money. Every dollar they have ever dangled came with ridiculous strings. When I made the decision to distance it meant taking nothing from them. My husband and I discussed this 15 yrs ago. I have never had an expectation of inheriting. I don't want anything from them.

They are not wealthy. They just saved welll for their retirement and healthcare needs.

No, you made a point in the OP to say your brother has POA but you have no insight at all into the financials. Why would you need to? Nobody is asking you for money but you somehow want access to the pursestrings and accounts and have also mentioned your own money problems? It’s not hard to connect the dots here.

[Anonymous]

If you have distanced yourself for 15 years why are you allowing yourself to be pulled back in?

They have enough money to out source everything including 24/7 care. They don't need you but you keep allowing them in to manipulate you.

This is a you problem. You need to keep the boundaries you have set for yourself. Why do you keep engaging with people who abuse you?

(See what happens when you make it about you instead of them?)

[Anonymous]

OP: I feel for you. Ignore the crazies. No one, not even our elderly parents, is entitled to our time, energy, and money. What you decide to give is based upon what you can realistically do given your circumstances and how you authentically feel about a person and the value of the relationship. You have your own family to take care of and can’t spend every free moment taking care of your parents who don’t live nearby. Your brother does deserve a break but he needs to hire professional help to remove himself from the day to day. It sounds like your parents can afford it. He is burnt out and lashing out at what he feels is inequitable. But he took this role on and sees no escape route. This is a clash over values and expectations. I love my parents but don’t want to take care of their health needs. My dad is taking care of my mom and he is so burnt out, exhausted, and resentful. It has destroyed their relationship but he feels obligated to take care of her and won’t accept outside help. Professional help is the only way to not destroy relationships and individual lives. Your brother needs to accept that the kids can’t realistically manage this.

[Anonymous]

This thread is off the rails.

OP, it seems like your brother’s question basically nailed it: are you done with your parents or do you plan to be involved?

That is a real question, and it’s at the heart of it all. Only you can answer. First be honest with yourself about the answer. Get a therapist if that’s a struggle. Once you are honest with yourself, be honest with your brother. If you’re done, you’re done. But know it, and face it, and have the strength to say it directly.

If you’re not done, figure out what you can do and discuss that directly.

I wish you the best. I really do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

This strikes me as disingenuous. If the issue was that helping with care led to you being abused or caused trauma, I’d think you would have mentioned that in the initial post. And I say that as a person who is low-contact with my parents because of abuse.

It strikes me that you’re upset you didn’t get the validation you’re looking for, so you’re changing the story to elicit sympathy.

If the issue is that your family is abusive, you need to draw clear boundaries with them, including around communication, and stop permitting the guilt trips. There should be no expectation that you’ll help because you’ve said so.

[Anonymous]

Stop dumping on OP. She did bury the lede, but that doesn’t mean posters get to be nasty.

OP, I’d posted that you should do more. But given the new info you shared, do you care about these people or do you want to just walk away altogether?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

And they are wealthy so OP wants to appear engaged just enough to not get disinherited but doesn't actually want to lift a finger to help them.

Read what I said. I have no interest in their money. Every dollar they have ever dangled came with ridiculous strings. When I made the decision to distance it meant taking nothing from them. My husband and I discussed this 15 yrs ago. I have never had an expectation of inheriting. I don't want anything from them.

They are not wealthy. They just saved welll for their retirement and healthcare needs.

No, you made a point in the OP to say your brother has POA but you have no insight at all into the financials. Why would you need to? Nobody is asking you for money but you somehow want access to the pursestrings and accounts and have also mentioned your own money problems? It’s not hard to connect the dots here.

Connect someone else's dots. He has been complaining to me about having to handle their financials/banking among other things. I mentioned the POA etc bc that's something I cannot help him with bc of the way my parents want things done/set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have distanced yourself for 15 years why are you allowing yourself to be pulled back in?

They have enough money to out source everything including 24/7 care. They don't need you but you keep allowing them in to manipulate you.

This is a you problem. You need to keep the boundaries you have set for yourself. Why do you keep engaging with people who abuse you?

(See what happens when you make it about you instead of them?)

30 years.

I do need to keep boundaries. It's not easy mentally processing the upset and history and making a decision whether to cut things off completely or be pressured back in to help. It's a me problem because I am struggling with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have enough time to write all that maybe you have more time to help out.

PREACH

[Anonymous]

OP has posted this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is off the rails.

OP, it seems like your brother’s question basically nailed it: are you done with your parents or do you plan to be involved?

That is a real question, and it’s at the heart of it all. Only you can answer. First be honest with yourself about the answer. Get a therapist if that’s a struggle. Once you are honest with yourself, be honest with your brother. If you’re done, you’re done. But know it, and face it, and have the strength to say it directly.

If you’re not done, figure out what you can do and discuss that directly.

I wish you the best. I really do.

Thank you. This is something I've wrestled with for a very long time. I have a therapist and my dealings with my family have been a major part of what's been discussed over the years. Many friends have told me to cut them out of my life for the way they have treated me and my family over the years - especially my Mom. My husband is very angry at my Mom and brother and thinks I should say sorry no. There's a part inside of me that's absolutely struggling with whether to be done or stay involved.

I know for certain I will not be able to get through a time period there without being verbally attacked. They only keep it together when there's the buffer of my husband there. My therapist has advised me not to be on my own with them. If I go I will have to do it alone bc my Husband will have to be here to work and get the kids where they need to be each day.

The reality is if I do this I know I'll be doing it for myself bc no matter what I have done in the past I've always been told it's never enough. I have been told that Christmas visits "didn't count" because it was only 3 nights - even though they know we also had to travel to be with my husband's family too. I spent a week sleeping on a bench in a hospital when my Mom had a major surgery years ago bc I didn't want to leave my Dad alone. I spent a week with my Dad to help him when my Mom was in the hospital another time. I have spent many visits driving my Mom into the nearby city for appointments she's had. I'm sure it's not enough help, certainly not as much as if I lived there. The bottom line is I'm not moving there. I need to decide what I can do and that's what it's going to have to be.

[Anonymous]

I think op is sock puppeting supportive posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

This strikes me as disingenuous. If the issue was that helping with care led to you being abused or caused trauma, I’d think you would have mentioned that in the initial post. And I say that as a person who is low-contact with my parents because of abuse.

It strikes me that you’re upset you didn’t get the validation you’re looking for, so you’re changing the story to elicit sympathy.

If the issue is that your family is abusive, you need to draw clear boundaries with them, including around communication, and stop permitting the guilt trips. There should be no expectation that you’ll help because you’ve said so.

The abuse was not about helping with care. It's been going on for 30 years as I said. I have been low contact because of this - this is the whole point of my post. I've been LOW contact.