Reply to How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to  keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

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This strikes me as disingenuous. If the issue was that helping with care led to you being abused or caused trauma, I’d think you would have mentioned that in the initial post. And I say that as a person who is low-contact with my parents because of abuse.

It strikes me that you’re upset you didn’t get the validation you’re looking for, so you’re changing the story to elicit sympathy.

If the issue is that your family is abusive, you need to draw clear boundaries with them, including around communication, and stop permitting the guilt trips. There should be no expectation that you’ll help because you’ve said so. [/quote]

The abuse was not about helping with care. It's been going on for 30 years as I said. I have been low contact because of this - this is the whole point of my post. I've been LOW contact.[/quote]

You said: "I'm not available to be abused or mistreated." That sounds like you're concerned that visiting with them will subject you to abuse. Is that not the case? That is my point, if helping your parents results in additional trauma, I'd have expected that to be raised as a major issue up front as to why you're clearly avoiding it.

Low contact is fine. But then I don't see why you're arguing: "I'm doing as much as I can. I don't see what more my family can ask for, and my brother signed up for this." It would be about how you need to maintain boundaries regardless of their need or desire for your help.[/quote]

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