How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Hi.
I have lived in the DC area for 30+ years now. My brother lives in my hometown 10 minutes drive from my parent's home (6 hours away). Our Dad was in the hospital and was recently released to a rehab facility a week ago. Our Mom has been in a different hospital and will be released to a rehab facility next week.

My relationship with my brother is not good. He resents that he has the bulk of the parent management on his plate - which he knew and we discussed many times over the years when he chose to move there. I reach out to ask what I can do and I do manage a few things for my parents remotely from here. I'm told that the other things that need to be done can't be done remotely. Because he lives there my parents gave him Power of Attorney and for their healthcare. He has a key to their apartment, I do not. I'm not permitted knowledge of their finances, only my brother is.

A couple months ago I received a text telling me he will be going on vacation for 12 days (over school spring break - same as our upcoming school spring break). Nothing else was said, just FYI going on vacation date-date.

A month ago my brother informed me last minute that he and his family were going overseas for 5 days, with the expectation that I come there and take everything on when he's away. This last minute request was ridiculous as we would be flying out of town that weekend for a commitment - it was just assumed I would have to drop everything to accommodate his plans. At that time both parents were in the hospital receiving treatment (not life threatening) and I ended up just doing daily check-ins with the nurses/doctors and then instead of flying home we flew to their state and spent 2 days visiting and checking on them. I provided daily updates to my brother via text. We left the day brother was returning.

Over the past few months he has grown more hostile, he has stopped updating me on their condition or where they even are when they switch facilities. With difficulty, I accepted years ago being told by brother and Mom that my input isn't wanted bc I'm not there and I don't know what I'm talking about. So we visit when we can (3-4x year), communicate regularly with my parents and try to with my brother.

Last night I received a text from my brother saying "So what is your plan with your parents? Are you just done with them or do you intend to be involved?"

This was out of the blue and hot on the heels of me trying to communicate with him two days ago about a problem with my Dad. He just railed at me about the difficulty of dealing with Dad in his condition. He recently told me it's too much work for him to let me know updates about my parents and their condition bc it makes more work for him. He wants it both ways - he doesn't want to coordinate or include me in discussions, just wants to make last minute demands when it suits him.

He followed his text last night by telling me if I wanted to be involved I'd "get my ass up here" That my offers of help are no help at all bc I wouldn't believe all he has to deal with (yeah, bc you won't communicate with me) and everything needs to be done locally.

I suspect this sudden flurry of interest is because of his upcoming caribbean vacation. I asked him if that was the case and he ignored my question. I'm curious - do I get to coordinate when I "get my ass up there" or is the timing is being demanded for when he wants it and I am supposed to just jump and comply.

I have no idea how to respond to this situation. He thinks it's fine to tell me I don't count, that it's too much trouble to involve me but also feels its fine to come at me aggressively bc it suddenly suits him. I've also been told I should relocate up there to help more - which is outrageous, my husband and I have careers here and children.

I have never said I would not help when it was needed. I have come to help in the past. I know he's deals with a lot and his hostility toward me over the past 2 years has been growing. I'm happy with coordinating and helping if we can talk like adults and make a respectful plan in advance. I chose not to respond back to the message because I didn't want to respond with the anger I had last night.

How would you handle this?

[Anonymous]

Well, it sounds like he's stressed and grieving your parents' decline and he's taking it out on you.

But it does seem like you're not being very proactive. You're waiting to be asked and then telling him it's not a good time. What if you picked a week or long weekend a few months from now, and then he could plan on that?

[Anonymous]

He wants and needs you to do more. Visiting 3-4 times a year ain’t it. In your shoes I’d now text my brother and ask if I fly up solo next weekend, can we talk about how I can be more involved and take on more of the load. And then I’d try to figure out what I can do to help more. Flying up monthly, dealing with insurance or other paperwork, paying for aides or whatever else might help ease the burden on your brother. And I’d be prepared to hear his ideas as well.

He’s doing all the heavy lifting, and the toll that takes is insane. What would be happening with your parents if your brother hadn’t moved to where they live?

Does your brother have a spouse and children?

[Anonymous]

If you have enough time to write all that maybe you have more time to help out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants and needs you to do more. Visiting 3-4 times a year ain’t it. In your shoes I’d now text my brother and ask if I fly up solo next weekend, can we talk about how I can be more involved and take on more of the load. And then I’d try to figure out what I can do to help more. Flying up monthly, dealing with insurance or other paperwork, paying for aides or whatever else might help ease the burden on your brother. And I’d be prepared to hear his ideas as well.

He’s doing all the heavy lifting, and the toll that takes is insane. What would be happening with your parents if your brother hadn’t moved to where they live?

Does your brother have a spouse and children?

This. You need to be doing way more. He's angry because you don't understand how small your actual share of the workload is, and he's 100% right that keeping you updated is a chore for him. You're like a husband who takes no initiative in the household and says "Make me a list" and "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it" and then doesn't do it.

You need to go in person, alone, and do a bunch of work and visiting for a few days. Then you need to sit with your brother for a serious conversation about what you can handle, starting now.

You CHOSE to move away so stop acting like some magic evil fairy has made it impossible for you to do more. Choose to make the effort. Stop saying you can't. You chose this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds EXACTLY like my situation, with dud siblings. The difference is the one nearby did nothing. The one that sounds exactly like you made promises, made noise about helping, but never did.

traveled cross-country several times a year for surgeries, paid for caregivers, listened in on doctor visits and asked questions, wrote a binder for caregivers, negotiated with contractors to redo the bathroom to make it accessible, and on.

You're brother is calling you out and you have the nerve to be defensive. You shouldn't have to "ask" about what you can do. You need to get your @ss on plane, by yourself, and meet with your brother. You need to do what you can to be there when he's going on a well-deserved vacation.

I'm not sure why your brother's question is rattling you. It sounds like you've chosen to not be involved. Of course, you don't have to be involved, but just tell the truth about it and don't get mad when people reflect that truth back to you.

Please do some self-reflection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants and needs you to do more. Visiting 3-4 times a year ain’t it. In your shoes I’d now text my brother and ask if I fly up solo next weekend, can we talk about how I can be more involved and take on more of the load. And then I’d try to figure out what I can do to help more. Flying up monthly, dealing with insurance or other paperwork, paying for aides or whatever else might help ease the burden on your brother. And I’d be prepared to hear his ideas as well.

He’s doing all the heavy lifting, and the toll that takes is insane. What would be happening with your parents if your brother hadn’t moved to where they live?

Does your brother have a spouse and children?

This. You need to be doing way more. He's angry because you don't understand how small your actual share of the workload is, and he's 100% right that keeping you updated is a chore for him. You're like a husband who takes no initiative in the household and says "Make me a list" and "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it" and then doesn't do it.

You need to go in person, alone, and do a bunch of work and visiting for a few days. Then you need to sit with your brother for a serious conversation about what you can handle, starting now.

You CHOSE to move away so stop acting like some magic evil fairy has made it impossible for you to do more. Choose to make the effort. Stop saying you can't. You chose this.

Perfect analogy.

[Anonymous]

I think he's unreasonable to spring travel on you short-notice, but the solution is to schedule breaks for him in advance. Not to just tell him no. Take some initiative!

Yes you will be spending a lot of your time and money on this. That is what it means to have aging parents. Suck it up. You chose to move, you chose these flights.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like, among other things, he's resentful that he has difficulty going away. You can travel at your leisure. He has to make arrangements for care and beg you to cover for him while he's gone. He is stuck at home for every holiday making sure they have company while you get to pop in and out whenever it's convenient for you. He's telling you that you need to step it up so that he can have a life too.

[Anonymous]

It sucks, but you should also be more proactive. When he told you he was taking a vacation, you should have followed up with: Should I arrange to come and take care of our parents, or did you make other arrangements?

I think he's probably stressed and worried and feeling overwhelmed. It's not right that he's taking it out on you, but being the primary caregiver is hard and exhausting work.

When I was a kid every year our summer vacation was to visit my grandparents. They were sick and elderly, and my father was the only sibling not living there. IMO, you should make more effort and not wait for him to tell you when he needs help.

[Anonymous]

OP won't be back because she's not liking too many of these responses.

I'm curious about one thing. Well, more than one but . . .

OP says he told her "last minute" that he was taking a vacation. But is was a month prior, which isn't really "last minute." Putting that aside, she says they couldn't because they were going away that weekend for a "prior commitment."

What's the commitment, exactly? Was it something so important that she couldn't, say, cancel it on account of her elderly parents needing her?

[Anonymous]

Many times, taking care of the elderly is taking care of a toddler that then devolves into an infant, devolving into a newborn. They are going in the opposite direction. When the child is your offspring, you do the work (not without stress) because you have brought this child into the world and you want to do whatever is needed to do. And again, it is stressful.

With a parent, frequently there is past issues that add to the stress of caregiving. There is physical distance that adds stress. Hardship. Frustration. Sheer exhaustion.

Your brother is dealing with all of that and you aren't. You get to live unencumbered by the day-to-day job of all the elderly need and can't do for themselves. Money helps. But even then the toll is huge. And most people don't have the money to pay for care.

OP, you say you will help. Tell me what to do. It doesn't work that way. If you're on the ground, you see that it is a hundred little things that if you're not aware of and keeping track of, it's impossible to explain. Out of nowhere, a UTI, as an example. Getting an appointment. Getting them to the doctor. Picking up the Rx. Making sure they are taking the meds and drinking plenty of water. That they can get to the restroom. All the while, they have to eat and clean up and bathe and clean the house . . .

And as they age, it is always something. And they start coming on faster and with more frequency and more serious.

With out mom, it can be a full-time job. And she has no money for nursing care, and we care too much about her to force her into a Medicaid bed. And frankly, she isn't to that point yet. But she is headed to needing more and more care.

I would simply advise you to think about the child rearing from toddler going backwards, without the dedication you feel to your own child. That is what your brother is dealing with. Sitting in DC and acting defensive that people are upset with you is misplaced.

[Anonymous]

OP, not only are you practically unavailable to help it sounds like you are demanding decision making. The out of state relative who periodically barges in with input that is irrelevant and inappropriate drives the actual caretaking family crazy. We don’t have the time or energy to explain the minutiae of every day to you.

If you want back in you need to eat some humble pie, even if that means letting him vent a bit. You need to be open to doing what your brother asks even if it doesn’t make sense to you. When you have been the primary caretaker for three months without his help, then you can have an opinion.

[Anonymous]

I hope the parents leave all the money to the brother who showed up not the one who had prior commitments and other vacations planned.

[Anonymous]

He resents you very very much. That will not change.