How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a brother just like yours, except my mom doesn't expect much from him because he's pretty irresponsible.

What your brother wants is to use you as a punching bag. He doesn't want to deal with you at all, except when he gets stressed he takes it out on you by creating a story in which you are the villain. He doesn't actually want help because, if he did, he would keep you in the loop. People acting like you are expecting too much are ridiculous. If he can plan an entire vacation he can take 90 seconds to text OP and say, hey, I need you here as back up when our family goes out of town in 6 months. These are the dates were looking at. Let's talk logistics this weekend.

If your parents are enabling this behavior by him, f- them.

In my situation, my mom, although not a great mom and never really available to help me with anything as a child or an adult, is respectful of my time and appreciative of what I do. My brother and I don't speak because he is verbally abusive and says all of my boundaries with him are me "being in denial" and "unable to handle confrontation". Of course, his idea of "confrontation" is screaming and using obscenities while the other person is supposed to just listen and be calm. Right now mom can still manage most of her own affairs, but it's going to get ugly when she can't.

I don't know what you should do. But it certainly doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of the relationship with anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

This may be true but brother doesn't then get to complain about OP not doing enough. It sounds like she visits 3-4 times a year (which honestly is not bad) and handles some items remotely that can be handled that way. What exactly is she supposed to do if brother is hostile towards her and won't communicate about his needs. Even if OP is contributing to this dyanmic, anyone would bristle at being told to get their ass up there. Sounds like there are no good answers here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster and I’ve only read the original post.
I am in a similar situation, my brother is away and I am the one caregiving.
I think your brother feels resentment because he wants to be able to go on vacation and not put his life on hold for the old people who keep living though their quality of life is sh*t.
What helps me in this situation is that my brother takes on the financial aspect of this, and I get some money for caring for our parent. Not a lot, considering I have to buy them groceries, but it helps to alleviate the resentment.
I am also a more mature person so I just ask him to take over at least the emotional side of it sometimes, to talk to them instead of me or take them somewhere when he visits (which only happens once a year btw).
I think you should go there alone, don’t bring the rest of the family, and spend at least a week. Try talking to your brother about it.
Offer him something, idk, maybe he needs money? Or offer a respite once a year. I think you don’t understand how two old senile people can suck all life out of you

This. And don’t try to have meaningful discussions. They are likely confused and ill. They will be nasty, all sick demented old people generally are.
Just do what needs to be done, appreciate all your brother does, and ask what else you can do.
I wish one of my siblings would give me a week off.

Pp you quoted. I think you need to ask, almost order your siblings to come for a week each and give you a break.
My brother doesn’t understand. I think he forgot how it was when they stayed with him for 6 months. But I remember how happy he was to get rid of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster and I’ve only read the original post.
I am in a similar situation, my brother is away and I am the one caregiving.
I think your brother feels resentment because he wants to be able to go on vacation and not put his life on hold for the old people who keep living though their quality of life is sh*t.
What helps me in this situation is that my brother takes on the financial aspect of this, and I get some money for caring for our parent. Not a lot, considering I have to buy them groceries, but it helps to alleviate the resentment.
I am also a more mature person so I just ask him to take over at least the emotional side of it sometimes, to talk to them instead of me or take them somewhere when he visits (which only happens once a year btw).
I think you should go there alone, don’t bring the rest of the family, and spend at least a week. Try talking to your brother about it.
Offer him something, idk, maybe he needs money? Or offer a respite once a year. I think you don’t understand how two old senile people can suck all life out of you

OP added a bunch of abuse stuff after people didn’t agree with OP, so their whole premise has changed plus they’ve gotten super snippy.

Ah, I see. I do have issues with my parents from back in the day, too, which makes it harder to care for them.
Was there abuse from the brother as well? That would change things, because I mostly view caregiving as a shared task with my brother and I have no issues with him.
Maybe it is better for op to just fall off the face of the earth if all her family is abusive. Can’t speak to that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your posts are so angry and you seem more focused on making your parents/brother listen to you than on helping. It’s like you’re trying to find resolution to childhood issues as your parents are entering major disability. I don’t know what happened with them in the past (DCUM really doesn’t like it when you drop major info later in the thread that changes context and frequently views the new info skeptically).

So your parents are now vulnerable people. The chance of meaningful reconciliation is low. You can nope out but you can’t really have expectations from them. So what about your brother? Do you want to try to salvage that relationship or do you want to be done?

I think that’s really where you are, do you want to be involved in ways that are not going to bring you near term satisfaction either because you feel a sense of duty or a hope to restore a relationship with your brother? Or are you just done?

I think this is right- and btw OP, you have my sympathy. I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you. The difference is, my brother and I get along. When it escalates to our parent needing more care, I'll suck it up and help bc I care about my brother. It seems like you will get next to nothing out of helping your parents/brother, other then the sense that you "did the right thing." For some people, that's important. I think you need to decide if it's important to YOU.

[Anonymous]

There's history of bad communication and lack of trust, which is making things much worse here, but I was kind of in your brother's situation with my mom and I was managing her care plus new job, teens, etc. Brother lived across country (had been close by my mom but it was clear he was unable and unwilling to visit more than every few months and her dementia was getting bad so I moved her near me. Brother has no spouse or dependents, same job for 25 years. I wanted to go away for spring break with the kids and asked if he could come out at that time to cover things/be emergency back up--evidently it was not a convenient time for him (no travel, just work stuff). What he failed to see is that nothing was convenient for me either, but I did it anyway.

OP's brother is super passive aggressive--a more direct "we are going to the caribbean, could you come out and help with mom and dad"--but probably also feels burnt out and angry.

[Anonymous]

I have a dad who is a pretty terrible person. None of his kids will help him much — he has plenty of money to figure it out. If one of my sisters suddenly decided to martyr herself to take care of him, I would likely do nothing.

But my sisters and I can be real with each other that this man was terrible and we are focused on our own families. We aren’t abusive to each other.

Your brother’s question isn’t wrong — are you in or out? It sounds like you need to tell him that you are out because you cannot deal with hands on helping someone who was abusive to you. You have done as much as you can by setting them up with third party help. If he wants to do less for your parents, that is fine with you. If he then verbally abuses you, you block him.

What you cannot do is have it both ways. You can’t pretend you want to help when you really don’t want to do anymore. That has to be driving him batty (even if he is a terrible person as well). And stop asking for updates on these terrible people. I can go weeks without really thinking about my dad — just like he seems to forget he has children or grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Can he at least give you access to the finances so you can pay bills? Should be easy to do remotely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

Look, if you're not able to talk to your parents or have a civil relationship with your family then it's not your brother's fault or the fact that he's "angry" he has such a bum and useless sibling. The parents don't like OP and OP doesn't like them and we don't really know why. Seems nobody wants the help that OP isn't up to giving anyway.

I think you are speaking from a place of plenty of money, kids out of school, no work obligations, trying to save for college....

They don't get along. She wants to help and doesn't know how. I'm the PP who is in the thick of this and it took me time to figure it out and I've stopped my entire life to do this. I also understand that not everyone has the ability to do what I've done.

Calling OP a bum and useless sibling makes you sound like a troll. Or maybe you're the a-hole poster who people probably hate IRL because you're so bossy and abrasive. But the only way to help OP is to take into consideration her limitations vis a vis her own obligations in another city and the reality of her relationship with her family.

Yada, yada. I was the sibling caring for a dying mother with cancer and my not local brother was calling with the 'what can I do' stories. I finally told him to send money since he couldn't make the time. The money was used to hire an aide to help out. OP has to be inconvenienced a little either with time or money and frankly isn't doing either. This is what it takes.

Op here

My parents are the ones with money. They already have had 24/hour aide coverage set up and managed by me (they paid for it) for the past few years. That plan remains the same when they return to their apartment.

My brother is giving his time, definitely. He's not contributing financially to their care.

Your brother is a bitter martyr. Ignore him and enjoy your life. I say this as someone who understands this dynamic having lived through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he at least give you access to the finances so you can pay bills? Should be easy to do remotely.

I would NOT suggest that. If there is dysfunction and distrust it can lead to false accusations and more and more demands. I didn't want this job, but was willing to take it. My sibling insisted on weekly financial reports. I told her I would be happy to have her simply have access to all the accounts so she could see the withdrawals for herself, and I would do my best to do a monthly summary. She demanded weekly and she had a list of everything that must be on her weekly reports. Given all I have pulling at me, I bowed out and said if she doesn't want to do this then it needs to be an accountant or bookkeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

This may be true but brother doesn't then get to complain about OP not doing enough. It sounds like she visits 3-4 times a year (which honestly is not bad) and handles some items remotely that can be handled that way. What exactly is she supposed to do if brother is hostile towards her and won't communicate about his needs. Even if OP is contributing to this dyanmic, anyone would bristle at being told to get their ass up there. Sounds like there are no good answers here.

I think they need to divide tasks and leave each other alone on how they do it. OP should tell her brother how many days she has available to visit and work with him to come when it would be most useful to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been in this situation I can tell you that your brother doesn’t want 1) suggestions and 2) the added burden of telling you what to do and when/how to do it. If in fact you want to be helpful then it’s relatively simple. Rather than looking at it as helping your parents look at it as helping your brother, ask him what he needs, give him your dates of visits and travel well in advance and ask if those dates work (allows him the opportunity to plan to be away) take on one aspect of care that you do completely. Identify what needs doing and just do it, take the initiative to lighten the burden of responsibility (it can be as simple as dealing with the logistics of maintaining their household and ensuring their bills are paid to identifying specialists, arranging prescription delivery, setting up grocery delivery) Do not raise an issue without also having the intention of resolving that same issue.

Good lord. In one sentence, you say that the brother doesn't want the burden of telling OP what to do, and in the very next sentence you recommend asking him what he needs. Make up your mind.

I find the complaints of the "added burden of telling OP what to do" to be ridiculous, frankly. Like it or not, the brother is the primary caretaker. OF COURSE the primary caretaker is going to have to keep others informed, particularly if he wants (insists on) their help? How could it be any different?

[Anonymous]

You sound like the family scapegoat? We usually move far away, cough. We are told things last minute and are expected to drop everything because we are not respected as being real people by our family members. We're cardboard cutouts to yell and fume at. There is an underlying resentment of us for many, many reasons -- including the fact that we somehow managed to escape. Now for the kicker: They wanted us to be the full-time caretaker, not live a life. That was the plan all along, but we didn't get the hint. We dared to flee and live free. Now they will play mind games with us and pull power trips like your brother is doing. I encountered the same behaviors from a resentful sibling. I couldn't do enough but my sibling refused to tell me how I could help, there was never any direction, then they would use the silent treatment as punishment and get in touch last minute, why aren't you here? But nobody told me there was a problem. I had a spouse and small children and couldn't just leave on a dime, but that doesn't count when you're the scapegoat. My young adult nieces and nephews were treated with a lot more respect. When each parent passed, it fell to in-laws to let me know. No blood relative called me. It was another way to punish me as the family scapegoat. Go watch videos from Jerry Wise and The Scapegoat Club and see if you spot the pattern of abuse. And it is a pattern.