How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your brother's position. My mother was abusive and my sister wanted to do power plays. It took me having my own illness and a crisis in my family I created to see there are options. Those options were meant with tantrums and entitlement, but I had to detach from that.

There's a reason more and more of these services are propping up where they can do everything-one person assesses the elder and manages every form of care at home and at the hospital and arranges transport from hospital even hospitals beds at home-all of it.

Many people prefer to keep old dysfunctional dynamics going-guilt trips, scapegoats, verbal abuse, nastiness-all of it rather than live in the solution.

Your job it to detach and research these options where they are. You thank your brother for all he has done. You present the options to him. It forces his hand. If he wants to stay trapped, he can-his choice. If he wants freedom he will have to likely risk the wrath that gets him there. He no longer becomes the good boy and martyr. He becomes the bad boy who abandons mommy. It's up to him to detach from any anger that comes his way and then figure out if he wants to just visit to check on things, micromanage or whatever. He may be unable to break the chains because he needs to be mommy's good boy, but that's on him. he doesn't get to unleash on you anymore. You gave him an out and he didn't take it.

Now they can refuse, but once again, he has to have his boundaries and make it clear they can choose the service, but he is no longer going to be their case manager. If they still refuse, APS can check on them.

He can live in the solution, but he can no longer take out his anger on you.

This is the best response I’ve read. I don’t understand why he’s doing all of this care. It’s his choice. I also think you (OP) just need to tell your parents and your brother that you’re limited to visiting x number of times per year or providing a,b,c. Beyond that, you can’t (and don’t want to) be involved. You need to be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

p

Honestly, everyone in this family seems dreadful. There’s no one to root for here.

I’m rooting for the brother. He is taking care of parents solo while also dealing with op’s bs.

Not me. He chose to MOVE BACK to his parents’ town and is now shocked Pikachu face that he is the primary caregiver? DUH.

He probably wasn’t cynical enough to see the reality of most of these situations: once the in-town sibling is stuck, the remote siblings cynically minimize their involvement with plausible-seeming excuses: “oh, i just can’t get there this week” or “oh, one month is not enough notice if you are planning to be gone for a week.” There are no good answers at this stage of life: its a high-stakes game of chicken where whomever cares least wins.