How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

+1
In addition to the appointments you have all over your calendar for all the formal stuff, you also have the constant reminder in your head about stopping by to check this or that. Every few days and every single weekend is clouded by that obligation. OP doesn't feel any of that and just flits around making demands.

[Anonymous]

I was in your brother's position. My mother was abusive and my sister wanted to do power plays. It took me having my own illness and a crisis in my family I created to see there are options. Those options were meant with tantrums and entitlement, but I had to detach from that.

There's a reason more and more of these services are propping up where they can do everything-one person assesses the elder and manages every form of care at home and at the hospital and arranges transport from hospital even hospitals beds at home-all of it.

Many people prefer to keep old dysfunctional dynamics going-guilt trips, scapegoats, verbal abuse, nastiness-all of it rather than live in the solution.

Your job it to detach and research these options where they are. You thank your brother for all he has done. You present the options to him. It forces his hand. If he wants to stay trapped, he can-his choice. If he wants freedom he will have to likely risk the wrath that gets him there. He no longer becomes the good boy and martyr. He becomes the bad boy who abandons mommy. It's up to him to detach from any anger that comes his way and then figure out if he wants to just visit to check on things, micromanage or whatever. He may be unable to break the chains because he needs to be mommy's good boy, but that's on him. he doesn't get to unleash on you anymore. You gave him an out and he didn't take it.

Now they can refuse, but once again, he has to have his boundaries and make it clear they can choose the service, but he is no longer going to be their case manager. If they still refuse, APS can check on them.

He can live in the solution, but he can no longer take out his anger on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He resents you very very much. That will not change.

+1

I feel this way about my sibling. They keep track of nothing.

They always want me to delegate to them.

Mostly, they like to show up at the AL so it looks to the staff like they are doing something. Anything where sibling will be seen by others doing a task is their jam. This makes them feel important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

I had a very demanding aunt I volunteered to help at near end of life. She refused to go to the hospital even when she could not get out of bed any longer to care for herself (she had terminal cancer and if you think hospice helps, you don’t know how little time they spend with the patient) The paramedics came at 2 AM because she tried to get out of bed and fell. Two of them pulled me aside and asked it I was alone with her, the sole caretaker. I said yes and they said LEAVE NOW, this is NOT sustainable. She needs to go to the hospital as hospice will not do the 24/7 care she needs (she had no $$ to hire).

My point? Allowing the frail elderly to drive the bus and destroy their families in the process is cruel. After my father died, my mother wanted to go to assisted living. She lived the best 2 last years of her life there, with friends, great meals, and all the activities she wanted. When my sister, brother and I went to visit, we had a blast! Instead of resenting my mother, I made her happy by getting her new clothes, makeup, organizing her bathroom like she wanted (she was wheelchair bound) and enjoying delicious meals with her. The other residents were delightful and I loved going and was sad she was cross country, but happy she was so happy.

If OP’s brother continues to allow himself to be taken advantage of, that’s his own fault. I allowed it with my aunt and ended up with severe anxiety as a result (it’s gone now). I thought I was being kind. I wasn’t. I was enabling. Perhaps OP’s brother, who stands to inherit what’s left of their estate, wants to preserve as much of that as possible. If that’s the case, he does the caretaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He resents you very very much. That will not change.

+1

I feel this way about my sibling. They keep track of nothing.

They always want me to delegate to them.

Mostly, they like to show up at the AL so it looks to the staff like they are doing something. Anything where sibling will be seen by others doing a task is their jam. This makes them feel important.

Then that's the way it is. Don't complain about it. We all have roles in our families and you are the one in charge who delegates to your siblings. Same advice to OP: Stop complaining. Your brother has taken on all of the responsibility and deserves to feel overwhelmed. Back him up every. single. time and keep asking him what he needs. How dare **you** complain about **him**? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

I had a very demanding aunt I volunteered to help at near end of life. She refused to go to the hospital even when she could not get out of bed any longer to care for herself (she had terminal cancer and if you think hospice helps, you don’t know how little time they spend with the patient) The paramedics came at 2 AM because she tried to get out of bed and fell. Two of them pulled me aside and asked it I was alone with her, the sole caretaker. I said yes and they said LEAVE NOW, this is NOT sustainable. She needs to go to the hospital as hospice will not do the 24/7 care she needs (she had no $$ to hire).

My point? Allowing the frail elderly to drive the bus and destroy their families in the process is cruel. After my father died, my mother wanted to go to assisted living. She lived the best 2 last years of her life there, with friends, great meals, and all the activities she wanted. When my sister, brother and I went to visit, we had a blast! Instead of resenting my mother, I made her happy by getting her new clothes, makeup, organizing her bathroom like she wanted (she was wheelchair bound) and enjoying delicious meals with her. The other residents were delightful and I loved going and was sad she was cross country, but happy she was so happy.

If OP’s brother continues to allow himself to be taken advantage of, that’s his own fault. I allowed it with my aunt and ended up with severe anxiety as a result (it’s gone now). I thought I was being kind. I wasn’t. I was enabling. Perhaps OP’s brother, who stands to inherit what’s left of their estate, wants to preserve as much of that as possible. If that’s the case, he does the caretaking.

So much wisdom in this post!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

I had a very demanding aunt I volunteered to help at near end of life. She refused to go to the hospital even when she could not get out of bed any longer to care for herself (she had terminal cancer and if you think hospice helps, you don’t know how little time they spend with the patient) The paramedics came at 2 AM because she tried to get out of bed and fell. Two of them pulled me aside and asked it I was alone with her, the sole caretaker. I said yes and they said LEAVE NOW, this is NOT sustainable. She needs to go to the hospital as hospice will not do the 24/7 care she needs (she had no $$ to hire).

My point? Allowing the frail elderly to drive the bus and destroy their families in the process is cruel. After my father died, my mother wanted to go to assisted living. She lived the best 2 last years of her life there, with friends, great meals, and all the activities she wanted. When my sister, brother and I went to visit, we had a blast! Instead of resenting my mother, I made her happy by getting her new clothes, makeup, organizing her bathroom like she wanted (she was wheelchair bound) and enjoying delicious meals with her. The other residents were delightful and I loved going and was sad she was cross country, but happy she was so happy.

If OP’s brother continues to allow himself to be taken advantage of, that’s his own fault. I allowed it with my aunt and ended up with severe anxiety as a result (it’s gone now). I thought I was being kind. I wasn’t. I was enabling. Perhaps OP’s brother, who stands to inherit what’s left of their estate, wants to preserve as much of that as possible. If that’s the case, he does the caretaking.

So much wisdom in this post!

Thank you. She could not physically attend my daughter’s (her only granddaughter’s) wedding last year so we FaceTimed her in. She put makeup on for it and dressed up and could not have been happier. She unexpectedly died a month later so it was wonderful that we got to give her that experience. My daughter is now having her own daughter in August and I so wish my mother could have lived long enough to meet her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

Take all of that on the brother's plate then add in OP calling and wanting a run down, second guessing, wanting to do things a different way, and you can see why the brother is irritated because nobody has time for that.

I had a very demanding aunt I volunteered to help at near end of life. She refused to go to the hospital even when she could not get out of bed any longer to care for herself (she had terminal cancer and if you think hospice helps, you don’t know how little time they spend with the patient) The paramedics came at 2 AM because she tried to get out of bed and fell. Two of them pulled me aside and asked it I was alone with her, the sole caretaker. I said yes and they said LEAVE NOW, this is NOT sustainable. She needs to go to the hospital as hospice will not do the 24/7 care she needs (she had no $$ to hire).

My point? Allowing the frail elderly to drive the bus and destroy their families in the process is cruel. After my father died, my mother wanted to go to assisted living. She lived the best 2 last years of her life there, with friends, great meals, and all the activities she wanted. When my sister, brother and I went to visit, we had a blast! Instead of resenting my mother, I made her happy by getting her new clothes, makeup, organizing her bathroom like she wanted (she was wheelchair bound) and enjoying delicious meals with her. The other residents were delightful and I loved going and was sad she was cross country, but happy she was so happy.

If OP’s brother continues to allow himself to be taken advantage of, that’s his own fault. I allowed it with my aunt and ended up with severe anxiety as a result (it’s gone now). I thought I was being kind. I wasn’t. I was enabling. Perhaps OP’s brother, who stands to inherit what’s left of their estate, wants to preserve as much of that as possible. If that’s the case, he does the caretaking.

So much wisdom in this post!

+1. Amen, sister!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

I understand op's position. I'm the only girl and the youngest raised in a very sexist, misogynistic family. I was always treated as less than. My brothers would never discuss planning with me and just assume that they give orders and I jump when told. The brothers who live closest to her do not have children. The brothers in charge now are not trustworthy wrt finances and are not making decisions in her best interest. She knows this and knows I look out for her but in every single case she will do what they say. It is impossible.

You have my sympathy op. I'm sorry you are getting so much flack. It is an impossible situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds EXACTLY like my situation, with dud siblings. The difference is the one nearby did nothing. The one that sounds exactly like you made promises, made noise about helping, but never did.

traveled cross-country several times a year for surgeries, paid for caregivers, listened in on doctor visits and asked questions, wrote a binder for caregivers, negotiated with contractors to redo the bathroom to make it accessible, and on.

You're brother is calling you out and you have the nerve to be defensive. You shouldn't have to "ask" about what you can do. You need to get your @ss on plane, by yourself, and meet with your brother. You need to do what you can to be there when he's going on a well-deserved vacation.

I'm not sure why your brother's question is rattling you. It sounds like you've chosen to not be involved. Of course, you don't have to be involved, but just tell the truth about it and don't get mad when people reflect that truth back to you.

Please do some self-reflection.

I second this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, imagine your day and everything you have to do for yourself, your spouse and your children, add in a full time job and now add managing a whole separate household and the care for two parents who are clearly in need of extensive medical care in two separate facilities. You can’t understand why they might resent your absence and lack of involvement? You say your parents were abusive, how? If you think calling people up and offering your opinion but not actually doing anything about it I have to agree with your parents and brother, it brings nothing to the table.

+1
In addition to the appointments you have all over your calendar for all the formal stuff, you also have the constant reminder in your head about stopping by to check this or that. Every few days and every single weekend is clouded by that obligation. OP doesn't feel any of that and just flits around making demands.

This is very true. The brother sounds as though he is in caregiver burnout. He’s exhausted and trapped. Even when he goes on vacation he fears he’ll get a call. He can’t relax, there is no break.

Op mentioned that she coordinated and arranged the home aids which make things oh so easy for her brother.

How the heck are you arranging and coordinating caregivers if you have no access to your parents’ money and your brother is doing everything for them?

My question to Op is: What would happen to your parents if your brother became incapacitated or even passed away? Because caregiver burnout is serious.

[Anonymous]

If brother doesn't inherit everything, he is going to hate you more. This type of stuff is so common with elderly parents and selfish offspring.

[Anonymous]

Your brother shouldn't be in charge of keeping you updated. If you want to be involved, be involved, but he has no obligation to constantly give you information.

If you were an involved sister, and knew how much he did for your parents, it would have been obvious to you when he said he was leaving town that you should step up and be there for your parents for those days. DAYS.

It is no more unreasonable for him to expect you to step up to give him a respite than it was for you to expect him to be there all the time. Because you seem to feel entitled to and completely ungrateful for his work. And it is indeed work that he does. Just because he chose to do it doesn't make it easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it sounds like he's stressed and grieving your parents' decline and he's taking it out on you.

But it does seem like you're not being very proactive. You're waiting to be asked and then telling him it's not a good time. What if you picked a week or long weekend a few months from now, and then he could plan on that?

Not even remotely what OP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents both senile and incapacitated? Why can't OP work out with the parents what they need? If they are both incapacitated then they need a nursing home. Just talk to the parents and figure it out.

Do you people read anything? Or are you all lack comprehension skills? She said her mom won't let her be involved. Brother won't tell her how she can help, then calls her up last minute saying he's leaving town.

This is a two way street, people.

I understand op's position. I'm the only girl and the youngest raised in a very sexist, misogynistic family. I was always treated as less than. My brothers would never discuss planning with me and just assume that they give orders and I jump when told. The brothers who live closest to her do not have children. The brothers in charge now are not trustworthy wrt finances and are not making decisions in her best interest. She knows this and knows I look out for her but in every single case she will do what they say. It is impossible.

You have my sympathy op. I'm sorry you are getting so much flack. It is an impossible situation.

Same. The post said her brother CHOSE to move back. And chooses not to involve her except when he needs it. Fine. But, he doesn't get to talk to he that way.

If I were you, OP, I'd go to your hometown whenever. Talk to your brother. Acknowledge his burnout. But set a boundary that you are not going to be abused. If he wants help to ease his burnout, ask what he wants? From DC you cannot just regularly pop in and do things. That's his downside of being there. Plus, I assume you work and have a family. So you have to balance both from a distance.

He's either helpful in response (and you work with him) or he acts like he has been. In the latter situation, I don't think you owe him anything. Having said that, I can't imagine not going back to visit/check on my parents at least a couple times a year. Why aren't you doing that?

You both have my sympathy. You culd be doing more. He needs to check his attitude. It's a hard situation.