How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

p

Honestly, everyone in this family seems dreadful. There’s no one to root for here.

[Anonymous]

OP has said it a few times, they don't want to just help out the way the brother is asked. They want to be involved and making decisions but for someone who hasn't been involved, low contact, can't get along, that's not going to work. Can't just swoop in, ordering everyone around and be "in charge". Either help out the way you are asked or get the hell out of the way. These are stressful times and OP is wallowing in self pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

p

Honestly, everyone in this family seems dreadful. There’s no one to root for here.

I’m rooting for the brother. He is taking care of parents solo while also dealing with op’s bs.

[Anonymous]

The responses to OP are truly disturbing. Helping an abusive parent can quickly turn into an alarming situation and it's best to contract out. Op is willing to do this. The parents can afford it. It's the brother's choice to continue to help rather than allow the parent's money to go to professionals trained to deal with this.

I don't know if it's one angry poster projecting or many, but it is not your place to judge whether or not OP came from abuse. There are solutions that ensure the parents get quality care, OP does not have to come to town and the brother can do far less. The insistence that OP must come into an abusive and volatile situation and rather than hire trained professionals is sadistic and disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to OP are truly disturbing. Helping an abusive parent can quickly turn into an alarming situation and it's best to contract out. Op is willing to do this. The parents can afford it. It's the brother's choice to continue to help rather than allow the parent's money to go to professionals trained to deal with this.

I don't know if it's one angry poster projecting or many, but it is not your place to judge whether or not OP came from abuse. There are solutions that ensure the parents get quality care, OP does not have to come to town and the brother can do far less. The insistence that OP must come into an abusive and volatile situation and rather than hire trained professionals is sadistic and disturbing.

Nah. OP wants brother to call constantly and give "updates" like he's OPs personal assistant. He said to come locally and OP doesn't want to do that. Not clear what OP actually wants as far as being "involved" but doing the absolute minimum at home seems to be the extent of it. That's not very helpful and even you should be able to see that. OP is pouting about being left out of the decisions but this person admittedly distant and low contact, these are the consequences. So stop nagging brother and saying "golly what can I do?" Then freaking out when the answer is to "come in person".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to OP are truly disturbing. Helping an abusive parent can quickly turn into an alarming situation and it's best to contract out. Op is willing to do this. The parents can afford it. It's the brother's choice to continue to help rather than allow the parent's money to go to professionals trained to deal with this.

I don't know if it's one angry poster projecting or many, but it is not your place to judge whether or not OP came from abuse. There are solutions that ensure the parents get quality care, OP does not have to come to town and the brother can do far less. The insistence that OP must come into an abusive and volatile situation and rather than hire trained professionals is sadistic and disturbing.

No one is insisting anything, you literally sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses to OP are truly disturbing. Helping an abusive parent can quickly turn into an alarming situation and it's best to contract out. Op is willing to do this. The parents can afford it. It's the brother's choice to continue to help rather than allow the parent's money to go to professionals trained to deal with this.

I don't know if it's one angry poster projecting or many, but it is not your place to judge whether or not OP came from abuse. There are solutions that ensure the parents get quality care, OP does not have to come to town and the brother can do far less. The insistence that OP must come into an abusive and volatile situation and rather than hire trained professionals is sadistic and disturbing.

I suspect OP would’ve gotten a lot more sympathy if they said they need to draw boundaries because of abuse and are unwilling to provide most forms of support to the parents. Instead, OP wants to feel appreciated for helping and seems unwilling to draw boundaries. That’s a recipe for disaster. If OP doesn’t want to help in some or all ways, they should make it clear to the brother instead of stringing him along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

p

Honestly, everyone in this family seems dreadful. There’s no one to root for here.

I’m rooting for the brother. He is taking care of parents solo while also dealing with op’s bs.

Not me. He chose to MOVE BACK to his parents’ town and is now shocked Pikachu face that he is the primary caregiver? DUH.

[Anonymous]

Caregiving is so hard. I am sure there is more you could do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

p

Honestly, everyone in this family seems dreadful. There’s no one to root for here.

I’m rooting for the brother. He is taking care of parents solo while also dealing with op’s bs.

Not me. He chose to MOVE BACK to his parents’ town and is now shocked Pikachu face that he is the primary caregiver? DUH.

I think he is shocked that his sister is unwilling to share the burden, even a little. Instead, she adds to it with her weird passive aggressiveness. I’d be done with her too.

[Anonymous]

Parents need to move to a facility. They should be told that is the only option and brother has option to tap out more if they don't. Once they are so dependent on others they do not get to dictate the terms. Basically they are holding him hostage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

p

Honestly, everyone in this family seems dreadful. There’s no one to root for here.

I’m rooting for the brother. He is taking care of parents solo while also dealing with op’s bs.

Not me. He chose to MOVE BACK to his parents’ town and is now shocked Pikachu face that he is the primary caregiver? DUH.

I think he is shocked that his sister is unwilling to share the burden, even a little. Instead, she adds to it with her weird passive aggressiveness. I’d be done with her too.

He seems shocked OP keeps calling promising to help out and be involved but doesn't want to do this, or that, and not that either but wants to be looped into everything. For what reason? Who wants to report to an unable and unwilling sibling? Brother said time to shit or get off the pot and OP is like "Wah! Nothing I do is ever good enough!" But hasn't done anything in literally years. OP is a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the mom was "abusive" and OP "distanced" herself from the family on purpose long ago.

TYPICAL DCUM POST BURYING THE LEAD

She writes a friggin' novel for her first post then after everybody chews her out she returns with these critical missing details.

Screw you. I was upset as I was writing the initial post.

Another poster accused me of writing too long of an initial post and now I didn't write enough.

Ah, ok, so now we see your true self. You're unhinged. And not very nice. Another thing that was very clear from your first post if that there was more than one side to this story. You've now confirmed it.

You need help alright. But of the professional kind. A therapist. You don't need our help.

p

Honestly, everyone in this family seems dreadful. There’s no one to root for here.

I’m rooting for the brother. He is taking care of parents solo while also dealing with op’s bs.

Not me. He chose to MOVE BACK to his parents’ town and is now shocked Pikachu face that he is the primary caregiver? DUH.

Agreed. I can see this happening in my life - when my father passed away, my parents were looking at retirement/assisted living/continuing care facilities. They live a long drive/short flight away from us; my sister lived near them. When my mother started thinking about moving into the place they'd put a deposit on, my sister suggested that she and my mother move in together. I (very carefully-my sister and I are not close, and have a fraught relationship in the best of times) raised some concerns - my grandmother moved in with us when my grandfather passed away, and it took a tremendous toll on my mother - but they decided to do it. So they sold both of their places, and moved into a new build that is set up perfectly from a physical plant standpoint. But all of a sudden, my very smart mother has become totally dependent on my sister, and abdicated all decision-making to her. My sister is becoming increasingly overwhelmed, and harried, and it's only a matter of time before she starts asking for my active participation in day to day life. But my sister is becoming increasingly controlling, and unwilling to entertain questions/other opinions. So, I get OP's dilemmas - it is difficult to do day to day caregiving when you live a long way away, and if you aren't local and the local person is not willing to keep you in the loop, how are you supposed to know how to assist?

tl;dr - I have a lot of sympathy for OP, but I also don't know the right way to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

The fact is I have an abusive Mom and a historically angry brother who I distanced from (long before all these health problems became acute for my parents) bc of their behavior toward both me and my family.

As a result I stepped back years ago and they chose to keep me further out.

So pardon me for needing a minute to navigate how the hell this is supposed to work. I thought I was doing the right thing by asking what would be helpful - how an arrangement would work. That was met with anger. Ok. I'm now being told to do something and I guess just figure it out bc he won't collaborate.

Ok so I guess I'll offer the best I can do and that's what it will be. I can go up the week he's away and propose me going up monthly for a week and see if that's do able.

That said I'm not available to be abused or mistreated. I will leave. There have to be some f-ing boundaries, but we are talking about people who have never had a healthy boundary in their.lives and have had zero care for me or my family for years.

OP that may be the case, but it also happens in families without the anger. Caregiving is hard.

What was your point in creating this thread? To many, it seems like you want validation that your family is horrible and you're continuing to be met with anger when you make suggestions from afar.

Can you think, for one minute, that it's not helpful to constantly ask "what needs to be done." Like a pp said, DCUMers complain about DHs who do this, so why would it be any different.

You probably need to sit in the discomfort that your decisions made people angrier and you're keeping the same pattern of dysfunction going by staying away and dictating your needs, without really listening. You haven't escaped the cycle, you're perpetrating it.

Not showing up doesn't solve for emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people have missed these parts:

OP's mom does not want her involved

Mom is abusive

Just have a care manager take over what the brother does. If the brother refuses that's his problem. if the parents refuse, call APS and let them know there is no adult available and they are refusing case management and find out what can be done to keep them safe.

Because OP is missing that she says her family is angry >> but she's just as angry.