Ex Can’t Do School Logistics Anymore — Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a him problem and you are not required to help him solve it.

Document when your kids are dropped off late and marked tardy and when he asks you to do pickup make it clear you don’t plan to trade nights— you do pickup, he’s not doing 50%, CS will have to be adjusted. If you solve this for him it will be at your expense.

This. You’re not his wife anymore. He says he will “figure it out”, so let him do that. If he does not and you end up with the kids for more than your 50 percent, document that and you will have to get the custody agreement and child support modification done in court.

And yes document everything.

Or, she could be decent and work with him. If she will not, then it speaks volumes of her. He should go back and get the order modified to have the kids in school near him as they are with him three school days a week and have her share child care costs as depending on the state it is included in child support calculations.

She is being decent. She asked him how he will manage the new logistics, and he said he would figure it out. She is not his wife and she is respecting boundaries and ex husband will need to adult and indeed figure it out.

If you’re suggesting that the kids be taken from their existing school for half the week to be moved nearer to their dad, I would say you’re not being decent. That is not in the best interest of the child to move them out of their existing life and friends to make dad’s life more convenient.

+100

He was dumb for buying a house 30 minutes away. He didn't have to do that. If houses closer to their school were too expensive, then he should have rented a place that was closer. Nobody NEEDS to buy a house -rentals are a viable option that works for most people that can't afford a house in their desired neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids herself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

This is what will happen. I see this so much. Irresponsible dad gets new girlfriend/new wife to take on their parenting responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

He can hire a driver from care or sitter city. Do not rescue him! I hired a driver for 9 months to take my kids to school. Let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

Well, you don't need to know his plan and since you are divorced you need to get used to not knowing more than the bare minimum. I would definitely call his bluff for a while at least. Arrange to be out of the area on the first few days so that you can't pick them up within an hour, and see what he does.

Yes this sucks for the kids but it's best for them in the long term that you nip this in the bud.

I understand all of this, but I am conflicted about my children bearing the burden and facing repercussions when I CAN step in and make it so they aren’t missing school. I honestly feel horrible doing nothing. I understand they need to see their dad is slouching, but they really, for how long? A week? I can’t let this go on indefinitely, assuming he actually does not have a plan in place. We are good co-parents, typically, so I truly believe he’s in over his head with this and has no clue what to do. He’s winging it.

I think what's best for the kids is that their father get his act together. And if you bail him out, he won't. It's not about them seeing or not seeing him slouching-- clearly he doesn't care about that. It's about him doing a decent job and you having the right boundaries long-term. A few weeks of tardies are worth it.

+1. You are not his wife anymore. He may in fact be in over his head, but let him deal with it. Your kids will not suffer lasting harm from a few tardy picks up.

After it happens once, talk to the school and make sure they know to call you before they call CPS if this goes on for a while. Other than that, let your Ex figure it out. He may need to hire a babysitter. But it’s not your problem, particularly since he didn’t even ask you for help but you seem to want to “save him from himself.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a him problem and you are not required to help him solve it.

Document when your kids are dropped off late and marked tardy and when he asks you to do pickup make it clear you don’t plan to trade nights— you do pickup, he’s not doing 50%, CS will have to be adjusted. If you solve this for him it will be at your expense.

This. You’re not his wife anymore. He says he will “figure it out”, so let him do that. If he does not and you end up with the kids for more than your 50 percent, document that and you will have to get the custody agreement and child support modification done in court.

And yes document everything.

Or, she could be decent and work with him. If she will not, then it speaks volumes of her. He should go back and get the order modified to have the kids in school near him as they are with him three school days a week and have her share child care costs as depending on the state it is included in child support calculations.

She is being decent. She asked him how he will manage the new logistics, and he said he would figure it out. She is not his wife and she is respecting boundaries and ex husband will need to adult and indeed figure it out.

If you’re suggesting that the kids be taken from their existing school for half the week to be moved nearer to their dad, I would say you’re not being decent. That is not in the best interest of the child to move them out of their existing life and friends to make dad’s life more convenient.

+100

He was dumb for buying a house 30 minutes away. He didn't have to do that. If houses closer to their school were too expensive, then he should have rented a place that was closer. Nobody NEEDS to buy a house -rentals are a viable option that works for most people that can't afford a house in their desired neighborhood.

This is not a matter of what Ex can afford. Op said he moved to be closer to the affair partner he impregnated.

Op needs to let him figure out his life and not step in to save him when he hasn’t asked for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

How old are your children? If you are only a few blocks from the school, can they walk? Is this a public or private school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

How old are your children? If you are only a few blocks from the school, can they walk? Is this a public or private school?

Seriously? How are they supposed to walk from their father’s house that’s 30 minutes away? I’m sure they walk when with OP. She’s talking about what they are with dad, 30 minutes away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

How old are your children? If you are only a few blocks from the school, can they walk? Is this a public or private school?

Seriously? How are they supposed to walk from their father’s house that’s 30 minutes away? I’m sure they walk when with OP. She’s talking about what they are with dad, 30 minutes away.

She means can't they walk to your house, and the ex will pick up from your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

This is absurd you cannot have your kids before and after school when they go to school a few blocks away and you work from home. Why would you do that to your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

It's definitely her problem because she chose to marry a man who shirks his parenting responsibilities.

No, it's not. She's not the parent. She doesn't have to do the work of her lackluster, husband. Put yourself in her shoes, doing this for him would just incentivize him to continue this way, and she'll end up having to do all the parenting, which hurts everyone involved. These kids have two parents who need to figure this out.

I mean, if I were entering a relationship with someone who had kids, I would absolutely expect to take on some responsibilities associated with those kids.

Absolutely. But I've seen this go bad so many times. She's going to resent it. She's going to think it's bad for the baby's nap. She's going to be upset that she's not having the idyllic infancy period that first children in intact families get. She's going to be upset that it's not the first baby experience for him like it is for her. And she will take that out on her stepkids and gradually edge them further and further out. And that won't be hard to do, because her new boyfriend already ditched them and moved away and now doesn't want to do his parenting work. She won't want them every weekend.

So, OP, you need to protect your kids and yourself. Not by picking up his slack-- quite the opposite! Stand up for their right to be cared for by their father, and your right to not burn out by being an unpaid babysitter on his custody time. Being divorced from a lazy parent is a long haul and if you continue with this level of desire to protect the kids from minor stuff and willingness to pick up his slack for free you will burn out. Let him fail, document, and then you can get more child support.

It’s not the girlfriend’s responsibility. It is mom and dads. He has to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

It's definitely her problem because she chose to marry a man who shirks his parenting responsibilities.

No, it's not. She's not the parent. She doesn't have to do the work of her lackluster, husband. Put yourself in her shoes, doing this for him would just incentivize him to continue this way, and she'll end up having to do all the parenting, which hurts everyone involved. These kids have two parents who need to figure this out.

I mean, if I were entering a relationship with someone who had kids, I would absolutely expect to take on some responsibilities associated with those kids.

Absolutely. But I've seen this go bad so many times. She's going to resent it. She's going to think it's bad for the baby's nap. She's going to be upset that she's not having the idyllic infancy period that first children in intact families get. She's going to be upset that it's not the first baby experience for him like it is for her. And she will take that out on her stepkids and gradually edge them further and further out. And that won't be hard to do, because her new boyfriend already ditched them and moved away and now doesn't want to do his parenting work. She won't want them every weekend.

So, OP, you need to protect your kids and yourself. Not by picking up his slack-- quite the opposite! Stand up for their right to be cared for by their father, and your right to not burn out by being an unpaid babysitter on his custody time. Being divorced from a lazy parent is a long haul and if you continue with this level of desire to protect the kids from minor stuff and willingness to pick up his slack for free you will burn out. Let him fail, document, and then you can get more child support.

It’s not the girlfriend’s responsibility. It is mom and dads. He has to work.

And, he’s not lazy as he’s the kids half the time and has the harder part of having them during the week. If she wants more child support she’s being greedy like you are as he had to maintain a house and child expenses just like she does. She can get a better job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

How old are your children? If you are only a few blocks from the school, can they walk? Is this a public or private school?

Seriously? How are they supposed to walk from their father’s house that’s 30 minutes away? I’m sure they walk when with OP. She’s talking about what they are with dad, 30 minutes away.

dumbass, pp is suggesting he drop them off at her house and they walk to school an hour later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

How old are your children? If you are only a few blocks from the school, can they walk? Is this a public or private school?

Seriously? How are they supposed to walk from their father’s house that’s 30 minutes away? I’m sure they walk when with OP. She’s talking about what they are with dad, 30 minutes away.

dumbass, pp is suggesting he drop them off at her house and they walk to school an hour later.

So the kids now have to get up 30 minutes earlier to accomodate their dad’s distance from their school, and then another 30, 60, or 120 or whatever minutes earlier to get to the mom’s house in time for him to drive all the way there and back to a job that starts so early he couldn’t get them there in the first place? Are they getting up at 4:30 am?

This is in no way in the best interests of the children. Maybe you could pull it off with a kindergartener who’s up early anyway and is willing to go to bed at 7 pm, but good luck convincing a tween they have to get up crazy early, drive 30 minutes, sit around and wait, and then walk to school. And if they are little, how can they be home alone in the morning if the mom is committed to going to work those mornings?

Dad can pay for a nanny and driver who can work out of both houses since this is all about accommodating his needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

How old are your children? If you are only a few blocks from the school, can they walk? Is this a public or private school?

Seriously? How are they supposed to walk from their father’s house that’s 30 minutes away? I’m sure they walk when with OP. She’s talking about what they are with dad, 30 minutes away.

dumbass, pp is suggesting he drop them off at her house and they walk to school an hour later.

So the kids now have to get up 30 minutes earlier to accomodate their dad’s distance from their school, and then another 30, 60, or 120 or whatever minutes earlier to get to the mom’s house in time for him to drive all the way there and back to a job that starts so early he couldn’t get them there in the first place? Are they getting up at 4:30 am?

This is in no way in the best interests of the children. Maybe you could pull it off with a kindergartener who’s up early anyway and is willing to go to bed at 7 pm, but good luck convincing a tween they have to get up crazy early, drive 30 minutes, sit around and wait, and then walk to school. And if they are little, how can they be home alone in the morning if the mom is committed to going to work those mornings?

Dad can pay for a nanny and driver who can work out of both houses since this is all about accommodating his needs.

Dad has the kids three school days. Mom has two and works from home. The BEST option is for the kids to go to school where dad lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

How old are your children? If you are only a few blocks from the school, can they walk? Is this a public or private school?

Seriously? How are they supposed to walk from their father’s house that’s 30 minutes away? I’m sure they walk when with OP. She’s talking about what they are with dad, 30 minutes away.

dumbass, pp is suggesting he drop them off at her house and they walk to school an hour later.

If she refuses to help, then maybe she should give up custody if she cannot be bothered to be a parent.