Ex Can’t Do School Logistics Anymore — Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a him problem and you are not required to help him solve it.

Document when your kids are dropped off late and marked tardy and when he asks you to do pickup make it clear you don’t plan to trade nights— you do pickup, he’s not doing 50%, CS will have to be adjusted. If you solve this for him it will be at your expense.

This. You’re not his wife anymore. He says he will “figure it out”, so let him do that. If he does not and you end up with the kids for more than your 50 percent, document that and you will have to get the custody agreement and child support modification done in court.

And yes document everything.

Or, she could be decent and work with him. If she will not, then it speaks volumes of her. He should go back and get the order modified to have the kids in school near him as they are with him three school days a week and have her share child care costs as depending on the state it is included in child support calculations.

Work with him how, exactly? She isn’t his nanny. If he can’t make the custody schedule work he needs to propose one that does. Forcing the kids to move schools because he was too selfish to find a place to live closer by was his decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you won’t ask for more child support. Let him have every other weekend and be flexible on if he can have dinners one or two night a week as well. Don’t he petty or awkward. This is about the kids.

You don’t take the kids away from dad because he has to work. If he takes a lower paying job, mom gets less child support. And, that’s not a good reason to take the kids away because you want more money. Get a part time job when kids are with dad or get a better paying job. If it’s about the kids they need time with their dad and 4 days a month and dinner occasionally I’d not a relationship. If it is, kids should live with dad and mom see them every other weekend and dinner occasionally and that solves the school issue as kids go to school and child care near dad and he uses the child support money to pay for child care.

That’s not how it works. When the custody schedule is set, it is contingent on the parents being able to meet their parenting obbligations on those days. He chose to set up his life in a way that means he can no longer meet his parenting obligations. So yes it is on him to figure out a way to make the existing schedule work - or propose a different reasonable one that works. Reasonable does not mean his ex does pickup and drop off every day and it also doesn’t mean forcing the kids to move schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this with my XH at one point. He went to court over it to try to force me to either switch DC’s school or pay for a driver.

1. I had lots of written communication from him regarding both his voluntary move away from the vicinity of DC’s school and his statement that all before care and transportation costs were the responsibility of the parent whose morning it was. This last part came about when he dicked over our provider so badly that she doubled our rates.

2. The judge said that because he moved, he had to bear the consequences. He could get DC to school on time or lose school night overnights. My XH asked if he could get every weekend instead. The judge said it was up to me. I said no.

Just curious - how long did this whole process take to sort out in the courts? Did he really take you to court instead of just figuring it out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is about the kids. Do what is best for them so they can stay in the same school and still see their Dad. Some of the replies on here to “stick it” to the Dad are disappointing. I would think you want your ex to have a job and a home for your kids.

I didn’t see anyone on here say “stick it to the dad.” The dad appears to be sticking it to himself though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this with my XH at one point. He went to court over it to try to force me to either switch DC’s school or pay for a driver.

1. I had lots of written communication from him regarding both his voluntary move away from the vicinity of DC’s school and his statement that all before care and transportation costs were the responsibility of the parent whose morning it was. This last part came about when he dicked over our provider so badly that she doubled our rates.

2. The judge said that because he moved, he had to bear the consequences. He could get DC to school on time or lose school night overnights. My XH asked if he could get every weekend instead. The judge said it was up to me. I said no.

+1 You don't move unilterally and ask others to bear the consequences. OP wasn't asked her opinion about her ex's move. She doesn't bear any responsibility at all to "figure this out" for her ex. And indeed, the ex isn't asking her to do so.

[Anonymous]

Np. It’s kind of embarrassing how women cannot let go of being someone’s wife. This is a time for natural consequences. The exDH made his choice to be far away, now let him figure out a solution without you stepping in.

I know a family where the dad bought a new house about 30 minutes from his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. Three years later he sold the house to move closer to them again. He got sick of the commute to the kids school and their activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np. It’s kind of embarrassing how women cannot let go of being someone’s wife. This is a time for natural consequences. The exDH made his choice to be far away, now let him figure out a solution without you stepping in.

I know a family where the dad bought a new house about 30 minutes from his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. Three years later he sold the house to move closer to them again. He got sick of the commute to the kids school and their activities.

It’s not about being the wife, it’s often about being the parent. It’s all well and good to say dad has to figure it out when it’s your kids who suffer the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. It’s kind of embarrassing how women cannot let go of being someone’s wife. This is a time for natural consequences. The exDH made his choice to be far away, now let him figure out a solution without you stepping in.

I know a family where the dad bought a new house about 30 minutes from his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. Three years later he sold the house to move closer to them again. He got sick of the commute to the kids school and their activities.

It’s not about being the wife, it’s often about being the parent. It’s all well and good to say dad has to figure it out when it’s your kids who suffer the consequences.

True but divorce means that you don't get a say in your ex's decisions. Plus the decision is already done. Ex moved further away. That already hurt the kids, presumably.

Now ex can "figure it out." The OP can't fix this.

[Anonymous]

That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you won’t ask for more child support. Let him have every other weekend and be flexible on if he can have dinners one or two night a week as well. Don’t he petty or awkward. This is about the kids.

You don’t take the kids away from dad because he has to work. If he takes a lower paying job, mom gets less child support. And, that’s not a good reason to take the kids away because you want more money. Get a part time job when kids are with dad or get a better paying job. If it’s about the kids they need time with their dad and 4 days a month and dinner occasionally I’d not a relationship. If it is, kids should live with dad and mom see them every other weekend and dinner occasionally and that solves the school issue as kids go to school and child care near dad and he uses the child support money to pay for child care.

That’s not how it works. When the custody schedule is set, it is contingent on the parents being able to meet their parenting obbligations on those days. He chose to set up his life in a way that means he can no longer meet his parenting obligations. So yes it is on him to figure out a way to make the existing schedule work - or propose a different reasonable one that works. Reasonable does not mean his ex does pickup and drop off every day and it also doesn’t mean forcing the kids to move schools.

He is working. This is why you are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That will leave the kids isolated with dad far away every weekend. What if they do sports or want to see friends? Why did he do something so selfish and destructive to the kids’ quality of life?

He’s probably couldn’t afford to live closer. It’s not selfish. She’s selfish and took the easier schedule for her. Kids should go to school near him if he has them three days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. It’s kind of embarrassing how women cannot let go of being someone’s wife. This is a time for natural consequences. The exDH made his choice to be far away, now let him figure out a solution without you stepping in.

I know a family where the dad bought a new house about 30 minutes from his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. Three years later he sold the house to move closer to them again. He got sick of the commute to the kids school and their activities.

It’s not about being the wife, it’s often about being the parent. It’s all well and good to say dad has to figure it out when it’s your kids who suffer the consequences.

True but divorce means that you don't get a say in your ex's decisions. Plus the decision is already done. Ex moved further away. That already hurt the kids, presumably.

Now ex can "figure it out." The OP can't fix this.

Yes, she can help by looking at the schedule and being flexible. If she will not stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you won’t ask for more child support. Let him have every other weekend and be flexible on if he can have dinners one or two night a week as well. Don’t he petty or awkward. This is about the kids.

You don’t take the kids away from dad because he has to work. If he takes a lower paying job, mom gets less child support. And, that’s not a good reason to take the kids away because you want more money. Get a part time job when kids are with dad or get a better paying job. If it’s about the kids they need time with their dad and 4 days a month and dinner occasionally I’d not a relationship. If it is, kids should live with dad and mom see them every other weekend and dinner occasionally and that solves the school issue as kids go to school and child care near dad and he uses the child support money to pay for child care.

That’s not how it works. When the custody schedule is set, it is contingent on the parents being able to meet their parenting obbligations on those days. He chose to set up his life in a way that means he can no longer meet his parenting obligations. So yes it is on him to figure out a way to make the existing schedule work - or propose a different reasonable one that works. Reasonable does not mean his ex does pickup and drop off every day and it also doesn’t mean forcing the kids to move schools.

He is working. This is why you are divorced.

lol. Conversely this is why HE is divorced- because he is a lazy baby who wants people to do all his work for him.

I am totally happy to be flexible with my exDH - he is actually the one who is more inflexible. But no, I am not doing school pickup and drop off on his days because he moved out of the school district and can’t be bothered to do what working moms have done since the beginning of time - manage to balance their work schedules with childcare needs.

If my exDH tried to pull this (and it is exactly the kind of thing he would do)
I would offer to shift the schedule to one that involved less weekday time for him because clearly he cannot manage it. Maybe every Friday plus one long weekend a month. If he rejected that then he can figure out how to find and pay a part time nanny for his days.

A lot would also depend on why his work schedule was changing. If he has a job with non traditional hours and truly cannot help or control getting the night shift or having longer shifts (like ER doctor etc) then I would be much more flexible. (But also wonder why tf he complicated his kids lives so much by moving far away.) If he just decided he needs to spend more time at work or “has a big project coming up and I have to work a lot” because he didn’t know what being the on-call parent would be like … I would be MUCH less inclined to accommodate because he needs to figure out how to be a working parent on his own. If he took a job with a longer commute I would think he was a dumb*ss for not figuring out a new schedule on his own and offer to redo the custody schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. It’s kind of embarrassing how women cannot let go of being someone’s wife. This is a time for natural consequences. The exDH made his choice to be far away, now let him figure out a solution without you stepping in.

I know a family where the dad bought a new house about 30 minutes from his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. Three years later he sold the house to move closer to them again. He got sick of the commute to the kids school and their activities.

It’s not about being the wife, it’s often about being the parent. It’s all well and good to say dad has to figure it out when it’s your kids who suffer the consequences.

True but divorce means that you don't get a say in your ex's decisions. Plus the decision is already done. Ex moved further away. That already hurt the kids, presumably.

Now ex can "figure it out." The OP can't fix this.

Yes, she can help by looking at the schedule and being flexible. If she will not stay out of it.

Doing drop off and pickup on your ex’s custody days is not “being flexible.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Np. It’s kind of embarrassing how women cannot let go of being someone’s wife. This is a time for natural consequences. The exDH made his choice to be far away, now let him figure out a solution without you stepping in.

I know a family where the dad bought a new house about 30 minutes from his kids even though he had 50/50 custody. Three years later he sold the house to move closer to them again. He got sick of the commute to the kids school and their activities.

It’s not about being the wife, it’s often about being the parent. It’s all well and good to say dad has to figure it out when it’s your kids who suffer the consequences.

True but divorce means that you don't get a say in your ex's decisions. Plus the decision is already done. Ex moved further away. That already hurt the kids, presumably.

Now ex can "figure it out." The OP can't fix this.

Yes, she can help by looking at the schedule and being flexible. If she will not stay out of it.

Doing drop off and pickup on your ex’s custody days is not “being flexible.”

If he drops them off at her house, why is it unreasonable given she insists school be near her and she has flexibility. Why would you do that for your kids?

Then, be willing to change the schedule or he’ll figure it out and don’t complain. Hopefully he can go to court to get her to share child care costs as that is something factored into child support.