Ex Can’t Do School Logistics Anymore — Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

This. He's having her do it, but he doesn't want to tell you because he's embarrassed or thinks you'll react badly or something.

+1 that’s my prediction too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

It's definitely her problem because she chose to marry a man who shirks his parenting responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the kids are there m,t,w, they should be at school near him as he has them more during the week. Or, be flexible and work with him. Or, do you want more child support.

No, that's stupid. He moved 30 mins farther away, why would you punish the kids by making them change schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

It's definitely her problem because she chose to marry a man who shirks his parenting responsibilities.

No, it's not. She's not the parent. She doesn't have to do the work of her lackluster, husband. Put yourself in her shoes, doing this for him would just incentivize him to continue this way, and she'll end up having to do all the parenting, which hurts everyone involved. These kids have two parents who need to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

It's definitely her problem because she chose to marry a man who shirks his parenting responsibilities.

No, it's not. She's not the parent. She doesn't have to do the work of her lackluster, husband. Put yourself in her shoes, doing this for him would just incentivize him to continue this way, and she'll end up having to do all the parenting, which hurts everyone involved. These kids have two parents who need to figure this out.

Sucks to be the new woman, then. But she made her choice. And it will be her problem all her life because he's going to continue to be a lazy parent and it will affect her bio kid, her step kids, and her marriage. Personally I don't think she should do this for him, but that's probably what he's counting on, because he's the kind of man who expects women to do his work for him.

OP should make her peace with the kids being tardy or waiting for pickup. It's not that big a deal, and in the long run it's far better that their father be held accountable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

Well, you don't need to know his plan and since you are divorced you need to get used to not knowing more than the bare minimum. I would definitely call his bluff for a while at least. Arrange to be out of the area on the first few days so that you can't pick them up within an hour, and see what he does.

Yes this sucks for the kids but it's best for them in the long term that you nip this in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

Well, you don't need to know his plan and since you are divorced you need to get used to not knowing more than the bare minimum. I would definitely call his bluff for a while at least. Arrange to be out of the area on the first few days so that you can't pick them up within an hour, and see what he does.

Yes this sucks for the kids but it's best for them in the long term that you nip this in the bud.

I understand all of this, but I am conflicted about my children bearing the burden and facing repercussions when I CAN step in and make it so they aren’t missing school. I honestly feel horrible doing nothing. I understand they need to see their dad is slouching, but they really, for how long? A week? I can’t let this go on indefinitely, assuming he actually does not have a plan in place. We are good co-parents, typically, so I truly believe he’s in over his head with this and has no clue what to do. He’s winging it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait- how can any working parent work and also not pay for before or after care??? School is only 7 hours and work is at least 8, plus a commute.

I think you need after care. I know you said it’s full, but what about martial arts?

OP here. I still live a few blocks from their schools and WFH. I adjust my schedule to drop off/pick up. Ex will now need to be at work by 8am (kids start just before 9) and works until 4:30, but the kids get out just before 4.

I really don’t care if his GF takes them, that’s not the problem, and he wouldn’t be afraid to say that to me, but that’s not the fix, because he’s said that it’s “not her responsibility”. It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. I honestly think he thinks I’ll grab them and keep them until he can pick them up and is hoping I suggest this. I have no issue with this, but I agree it’s not my problem to solve. Also, at some point, the tardies pose an issue at school, and the main office (where the kids would sit and wait) closes at 4:30, and he wouldn’t be there by then. I don’t know that the school will differentiate “his” tardies from “my” tardies (there are none) when determining punishment (I believe they lose privileges.)

Well, you don't need to know his plan and since you are divorced you need to get used to not knowing more than the bare minimum. I would definitely call his bluff for a while at least. Arrange to be out of the area on the first few days so that you can't pick them up within an hour, and see what he does.

Yes this sucks for the kids but it's best for them in the long term that you nip this in the bud.

I understand all of this, but I am conflicted about my children bearing the burden and facing repercussions when I CAN step in and make it so they aren’t missing school. I honestly feel horrible doing nothing. I understand they need to see their dad is slouching, but they really, for how long? A week? I can’t let this go on indefinitely, assuming he actually does not have a plan in place. We are good co-parents, typically, so I truly believe he’s in over his head with this and has no clue what to do. He’s winging it.

I think what's best for the kids is that their father get his act together. And if you bail him out, he won't. It's not about them seeing or not seeing him slouching-- clearly he doesn't care about that. It's about him doing a decent job and you having the right boundaries long-term. A few weeks of tardies are worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

It's definitely her problem because she chose to marry a man who shirks his parenting responsibilities.

No, it's not. She's not the parent. She doesn't have to do the work of her lackluster, husband. Put yourself in her shoes, doing this for him would just incentivize him to continue this way, and she'll end up having to do all the parenting, which hurts everyone involved. These kids have two parents who need to figure this out.

I mean, if I were entering a relationship with someone who had kids, I would absolutely expect to take on some responsibilities associated with those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. This is not your problem to solve. This is his problem and his new wife's problem. She will probably stick the baby in a car seat and drive the kids himself. Let her be how he "works it out." Not your job.

And no, do not give him every weekend. Then they won't get to see their friends, go to activities, etc.

What? This is not his new wife's problem. Stop, encouraging taking advantage of her.

It's definitely her problem because she chose to marry a man who shirks his parenting responsibilities.

No, it's not. She's not the parent. She doesn't have to do the work of her lackluster, husband. Put yourself in her shoes, doing this for him would just incentivize him to continue this way, and she'll end up having to do all the parenting, which hurts everyone involved. These kids have two parents who need to figure this out.

I mean, if I were entering a relationship with someone who had kids, I would absolutely expect to take on some responsibilities associated with those kids.

Absolutely. But I've seen this go bad so many times. She's going to resent it. She's going to think it's bad for the baby's nap. She's going to be upset that she's not having the idyllic infancy period that first children in intact families get. She's going to be upset that it's not the first baby experience for him like it is for her. And she will take that out on her stepkids and gradually edge them further and further out. And that won't be hard to do, because her new boyfriend already ditched them and moved away and now doesn't want to do his parenting work. She won't want them every weekend.

So, OP, you need to protect your kids and yourself. Not by picking up his slack-- quite the opposite! Stand up for their right to be cared for by their father, and your right to not burn out by being an unpaid babysitter on his custody time. Being divorced from a lazy parent is a long haul and if you continue with this level of desire to protect the kids from minor stuff and willingness to pick up his slack for free you will burn out. Let him fail, document, and then you can get more child support.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? How far from school are you? How will it affect your own workday if you are dealing with drop off and pick up on Monday through Wednesday?

There’s also the factor that OP may not want to see her ex-husband as much as she would wind up having to if she does the pick up and drop off on his days. It’s one thing to try to coparent amicably, but it’s another thing to have to see your ex multiple times a week when it’s avoidable.

In your shoes, I would absolutely let it play out rather than try to offer to help find a solution. There is no way in hell I would give up all weekends. Why does he only have one weekend currently in the schedule? Was that his choice or yours? As others have said, you should consult your lawyer, and then let it play out, documenting what’s happening. At some point either your ex-husband will propose a custody modification or else file for one in court, and at that point you will have your paper trail and the advice of your attorney about what you are and aren’t willing to do.

It doesn’t sound like he has proposed anything, but rather has just told you of his dilemma and told you he will figure something out?

[Anonymous]

He said he will figure it out. Let him. The kids depending on their ages will protest if it doesn’t work for them.

[Anonymous]

What are your goals? My goal would be stability for my children, so I would just take them on weekdays, and give him EOW. It’s better for them to be in the same place on every school day anyway.

Other reasonable options are for him to find private before/after care, or for his new partner to help pick up the slack, or for him to find a job that works with his parenting schedule.