How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound very sincere in wanting to bridge this communication gap but it also sounds like you may have a tendency to ruminate and spiral. It also sounds like your parents are struggling with how to handle those moments. I'd try to work on this with them through family therapy if they are open to it. I don't think NC is the right tool here.

You focus on your parents only wanting to hear good news and moving on quickly from problems, such as your job. If I think someone's problems may be in large part due to their own actions and they are not in a headspace to hear that, I'll try to pivot the conversation. If that's what's happening here, you may read that as emotional neglect, while your parents may experience it as sparing your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have worn your parents down…. They probably just don’t want to deal with issues any longer.

[Anonymous]

OP, they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you understanding.

You are 3 adults. When in a room trying to get along. How would you act around an ordinary, non-family, other adult? You/they would want the atmosphere to be pleasant. If they insulted you/hurt your feelings -- you'd excuse yourself. You might, in the moment, say something.

But for everyone, if the experience is not pleasant, you'd see less of each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have worn your parents down…. They probably just don’t want to deal with issues any longer.

Or maybe they were abducted by aliens and are forced to behave that way. But regardless, it just can’t be that they are at fault, God forbid, parents always try their best and are all good people and always emotionally mature and have good conflict resolution skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you understanding.

You are 3 adults. When in a room trying to get along. How would you act around an ordinary, non-family, other adult? You/they would want the atmosphere to be pleasant. If they insulted you/hurt your feelings -- you'd excuse yourself. You might, in the moment, say something.

But for everyone, if the experience is not pleasant, you'd see less of each other.

Agreeed, and the 3adults, do they gush about how much they love you on and on and on? Do they make you feel like maybe they do love you and care about you but it’s all fake? Do you like fake friends like that? Or do you prefer to have sincere friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you understanding.

You are 3 adults. When in a room trying to get along. How would you act around an ordinary, non-family, other adult? You/they would want the atmosphere to be pleasant. If they insulted you/hurt your feelings -- you'd excuse yourself. You might, in the moment, say something.

But for everyone, if the experience is not pleasant, you'd see less of each other.

Agreeed, and the 3adults, do they gush about how much they love you on and on and on? Do they make you feel like maybe they do love you and care about you but it’s all fake? Do you like fake friends like that? Or do you prefer to have sincere friendship?

Do you have other friends? I never considered my parents my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you understanding.

You are 3 adults. When in a room trying to get along. How would you act around an ordinary, non-family, other adult? You/they would want the atmosphere to be pleasant. If they insulted you/hurt your feelings -- you'd excuse yourself. You might, in the moment, say something.

But for everyone, if the experience is not pleasant, you'd see less of each other.

Agreeed, and the 3adults, do they gush about how much they love you on and on and on? Do they make you feel like maybe they do love you and care about you but it’s all fake? Do you like fake friends like that? Or do you prefer to have sincere friendship?

Huh? That is ... not what friends do. You can't dump negativity on friends and expect them to play therapist. Friends do, in fact, keep interactions positive and happy. Yes, friends should be there for you when going through a rough time, but it can't be a rough time forever and this should only be limited to best friends.

The only person you should be able to expect this unconditional support from is your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A five page letter of grievances sounds excessive, to be honest. Maybe they abused you, but it sounds more like you are a bit of a delicate flower.

5 pages was sent because I thought if they kept saying they "have no idea" or "well, you must hate us", maybe they deserved to know, so let me open up and explain to them calmly why I felt so unimportant. It was written with great care, with lots of loving expressions. A letter I thought for sure would "clear any misunderstanding", and lead to greater relationship. No, the letter was not sent to lash out, or for revenge, or attention, it was meant for reconciliation. I also thought for sure they would get it this time, because I meant 100% well. Well, I was wrong. So stupid.

You should have edited it and used bullet points. Otherwise it was probably a lot of hot air and had them rolling their eyes.

Even so, loving parents would have responded with more than "well you must really hate us." Any grownup I have ever heard use that phrase was the emotional equivalent of a toddler. It's not a reasonable response to any serious conversation.

... says the "adult" advocating permanent silent treatment. Spare us.

I'm curious if you've ever been treated for mental illness? A lot of the feelings you're describing aren't valid and are your anxiety lying to you or similar. My guess is you got the "well, you must hate us" because they were exasperated because you kept saying things like "I feel worthless" or "I feel unimportant" and chose to blame them because looking inward is too hard. People say bad things when they're exasperated. It happens. But, you just apparently tacked it onto your ever-growing list of grudges.

I wrote that but I am not OP. OP's story has some holes, but if OP's parents really just responded "well you must hate us," something isn't right with them either. Any adult I have ever heard use that phrase had issues.

You've never said something wrong in the heat of exasperation? Or are you like the Greated Parent Ever poster?

Of course I have said the wrong things at times. IME, people who say "you must really hate us" are the same people who say things like "you're just being sensitive," etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you understanding.

You are 3 adults. When in a room trying to get along. How would you act around an ordinary, non-family, other adult? You/they would want the atmosphere to be pleasant. If they insulted you/hurt your feelings -- you'd excuse yourself. You might, in the moment, say something.

But for everyone, if the experience is not pleasant, you'd see less of each other.

Agreeed, and the 3adults, do they gush about how much they love you on and on and on? Do they make you feel like maybe they do love you and care about you but it’s all fake? Do you like fake friends like that? Or do you prefer to have sincere friendship?

Do you have other friends? I never considered my parents my friends.

I have several close friends and of course parents aren’t friends, but the point is that they need to be sincere, no one wants fake relationship, whether it’s with parents or siblings or classmates or colleagues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you understanding.

You are 3 adults. When in a room trying to get along. How would you act around an ordinary, non-family, other adult? You/they would want the atmosphere to be pleasant. If they insulted you/hurt your feelings -- you'd excuse yourself. You might, in the moment, say something.

But for everyone, if the experience is not pleasant, you'd see less of each other.

Agreeed, and the 3adults, do they gush about how much they love you on and on and on? Do they make you feel like maybe they do love you and care about you but it’s all fake? Do you like fake friends like that? Or do you prefer to have sincere friendship?

Huh? That is ... not what friends do. You can't dump negativity on friends and expect them to play therapist. Friends do, in fact, keep interactions positive and happy. Yes, friends should be there for you when going through a rough time, but it can't be a rough time forever and this should only be limited to best friends.

The only person you should be able to expect this unconditional support from is your spouse.

Hah, so you agree with me then? I never said I dump negativity on parents or friends, if anything, I’m the opposite, suppress too much. Friends keep things positive and happy doesn’t mean they run away when one is having hardships. A friend in need is a friend indeed? And no, my parents are definitely not my friends. Some friends seem to have a friendship with their parents and that’s admirable, that means their parents see them as equal human beings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It sounds like you want to punish them. Not like you're trying to protect yourself.

Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media/tiktok posts about going no contact? Have you romanticized it? Do you have some script in your head for what it looks like?

THIS! Gray rock should be to protect yourself and you just want to punish your parents. You want them to know what they did was wrong, which is actually hurting you even further.

OPs parents are gray rocking OP. And OP is spiraling like many people who are subjected to gray rock do.

OP will not and cannot gray rock her parents, because that is not satisfying to her, and actually I suspect would be an outcome her parents would welcome, given that they are clearly doing the same to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, they think you're mentally ill.

I think she might be too!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, they don't owe you anything. They don't owe you understanding.

You are 3 adults. When in a room trying to get along. How would you act around an ordinary, non-family, other adult? You/they would want the atmosphere to be pleasant. If they insulted you/hurt your feelings -- you'd excuse yourself. You might, in the moment, say something.

But for everyone, if the experience is not pleasant, you'd see less of each other.

Agreeed, and the 3adults, do they gush about how much they love you on and on and on? Do they make you feel like maybe they do love you and care about you but it’s all fake? Do you like fake friends like that? Or do you prefer to have sincere friendship?

Huh? That is ... not what friends do. You can't dump negativity on friends and expect them to play therapist. Friends do, in fact, keep interactions positive and happy. Yes, friends should be there for you when going through a rough time, but it can't be a rough time forever and this should only be limited to best friends.

The only person you should be able to expect this unconditional support from is your spouse.

Hah, so you agree with me then? I never said I dump negativity on parents or friends, if anything, I’m the opposite, suppress too much. Friends keep things positive and happy doesn’t mean they run away when one is having hardships. A friend in need is a friend indeed? And no, my parents are definitely not my friends. Some friends seem to have a friendship with their parents and that’s admirable, that means their parents see them as equal human beings.

Suppress too much? What is going on in your life that you have to emote so much all of the time? What exactly are you suppressing? You sound young, single and childless. How rough is your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It sounds like you want to punish them. Not like you're trying to protect yourself.

Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media/tiktok posts about going no contact? Have you romanticized it? Do you have some script in your head for what it looks like?

THIS! Gray rock should be to protect yourself and you just want to punish your parents. You want them to know what they did was wrong, which is actually hurting you even further.

OPs parents are gray rocking OP. And OP is spiraling like many people who are subjected to gray rock do.

OP will not and cannot gray rock her parents, because that is not satisfying to her, and actually I suspect would be an outcome her parents would welcome, given that they are clearly doing the same to her.

I think you nailed it. This is the tantrum that comes from not being able to bend people to your will.

[Anonymous]

When I decided to go NC w my mom I didn’t feel badly about it, I felt sad but peaceful. It seems as if this is eluding you. If you’re truly NC you wouldn’t care about them asking why. And why aren’t they blocked from all communication?