How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It sounds like you want to punish them. Not like you're trying to protect yourself.

Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media/tiktok posts about going no contact? Have you romanticized it? Do you have some script in your head for what it looks like?

THIS! Gray rock should be to protect yourself and you just want to punish your parents. You want them to know what they did was wrong, which is actually hurting you even further.

OPs parents are gray rocking OP. And OP is spiraling like many people who are subjected to gray rock do.

OP will not and cannot gray rock her parents, because that is not satisfying to her, and actually I suspect would be an outcome her parents would welcome, given that they are clearly doing the same to her.

Op here, Omg what in the world ?! My parents are the exact opposite of grey rocking me. If they did at least I would let feel they faking loving me, I’d give them credit for being truthful and consistent. No, they think we are very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I decided to go NC w my mom I didn’t feel badly about it, I felt sad but peaceful. It seems as if this is eluding you. If you’re truly NC you wouldn’t care about them asking why. And why aren’t they blocked from all communication?

Because I still have feelings for them, and empathetic about the same abuse they received in their childhood. But you are right, I need to block them, I can’t bent their will to care about me. This is going to be their loss, not mine. I will focus on building healthy relationships with others I care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”?

Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.

They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down.

All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable.

If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.

There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong.
I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.

Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

. What hack job troll post copy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”? Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?! I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down. All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable. If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”. They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”. – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”. How can one change their face so quickly? I am bewildered.
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong. I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?

So, your fantasy about telling them off hasn't played out the way you hoped, so you want to keep trying?

Grow up.

+1.
Maybe OP’s supposed 5 page letter was the same vague gabbolgy took cliches as her initial post.
Lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

I can’t tell what the sequencing is of what.
Or the magnitude of any supposed infractions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s easier to weep over having “no idea” than to do the work to do better. They also get more sympathy from other “no idea” parents/families.

+1. It sounds like they couldn't even handle your negative feelings about things that have nothing to do with them, like work. There's no way they can handle accepting that they did something wrong to you. People who can't take accountability are the weakest people in the world. They may put on a tough front and deflect everything back to you, but they are the emotional equivalent of toddlers. Stop trying to make them react the way you want them to. They aren't capable. You're welcome to stay away from them if that's what you need. You owe them nothing.

Alternatively, OP is a chronic complainer fault finder who says 10x as many negative things a day than positive.

[Anonymous]

the same abuse

WHAT are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Op again and now that I think about their relationships with all the people in their lives, I think every one of them is a surface one, no more the kind of relationship with the occasional handymen you call, or your local librarian, no wonder they treat me like that too, they probably don’t even think people could have any other kind of relationship, like the bird trapped in a water well thinks the sky is only the size of the well opening. This isn’t their fault, but it’s still not okay.

[Anonymous]

Boomers are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they display their own negative emotions?

I think what they are doing is something a therapist told them to do. They are trying to enjoy a visit, but when negative things are brought up, they try to redirect. It seems like maybe they're telling you that they can't manage your negative emotions, why do you keep trying then? Just accept that and only have surface level interactions. I'm not sure that needs to be a gray rock though. They feel like they're put in a situation in which they can't win at all when things become negative. Probably the only way to get past that would be group therapy.

I have a sister who is NC mostly with the rest of us. Anytime anything gets even the slightest bit heated, we all quickly change the subject and head to safer ground. She will become mentally unstable, scream, throw things and generally make us feel like trash. She makes wild statements (like "if you aren't spending all your free time protesting animal rights, you hate animals and shouldn't be able to live with yourself."). Gray rock seems to be the only way we can manage it. Her therapist at least yearly has her send us long 5 page letters, mostly bringing up old flaws. It would be nice to at least start over. I'm not saying you're like my sister, but my example is more about why we all run when negative things are brought up.

They do not see therapy, they think therapy is for the weak. Yes, I believe the only way to have any relationship with them is to keep it surface level, but that doesn't feel good, who wants a surface level relationship with their parents? And the disconnection between their loving verbal expressions and their actual behaviors drives me crazy.

If my parents think of me the same way you think of your crazy sister, then I would want them to at least tell me, set boundaries, communicate, telling me I am crazy is better than "we don't know why you don't talk to us". Literally, if they could send a longer reply listing why they disagree, at least that shows that I exist, that they see me. The shutdown is what makes me feel invisible. I suppose this is why toddlers sometimes seek negative attention, because that's better than no attention? (even though I don't get it), in my case, I am not seeking attention, I just noticed this pattern in our interactions for all those years and became increasingly hurt.

Maybe they are on the autism spectrum. Shallow is al they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a weird idea of no contact. Stop contacting them if you want to be no contact.

The interactions described was before NC. - OP

But you want to contact them again to explain no contact. Leave them alone. And also they gave you the TL, DR treatment because 5 pages (was it front and back?) might have been too much.

Because I love them, and their time on earth is getting shorter and shorter, and it makes me sad, but yes, you are correct. - OP

It's just not that easy to let go

It sounds like you want to punish them. Not like you're trying to protect yourself.

Do you spend a lot of time consuming social media/tiktok posts about going no contact? Have you romanticized it? Do you have some script in your head for what it looks like?

THIS! Gray rock should be to protect yourself and you just want to punish your parents. You want them to know what they did was wrong, which is actually hurting you even further.

OPs parents are gray rocking OP. And OP is spiraling like many people who are subjected to gray rock do.

OP will not and cannot gray rock her parents, because that is not satisfying to her, and actually I suspect would be an outcome her parents would welcome, given that they are clearly doing the same to her.

Op here, Omg what in the world ?! My parents are the exact opposite of grey rocking me. If they did at least I would let feel they faking loving me, I’d give them credit for being truthful and consistent. No, they think we are very close.

Gently, I don’t think you understand what gray rocking is. They are clearly gray rocking you. In fact, that is consistent with them feeling close. They are not engaging with your drama, but are staying neutral and steady as a rock, because they value you.

[Anonymous]

This is weird -- someone in my life posted a rant on Facebook using a lot of the same terminology. I know this is not the same person. But is everyone reading the same self-help book?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is weird -- someone in my life posted a rant on Facebook using a lot of the same terminology. I know this is not the same person. But is everyone reading the same self-help book?

This is what I meant by the therapy speak.

[Anonymous]

OP -- why WOULD they want to have a relationship with you? You sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again and now that I think about their relationships with all the people in their lives, I think every one of them is a surface one, no more the kind of relationship with the occasional handymen you call, or your local librarian, no wonder they treat me like that too, they probably don’t even think people could have any other kind of relationship, like the bird trapped in a water well thinks the sky is only the size of the well opening. This isn’t their fault, but it’s still not okay.

So what? Who are you to decide what closeness or intimacy someone else needs or wants? Get a therapy dog or something. You sound incredibly needy and clingy. A lot of people don’t want what you want.