Dad’s girlfriend has officially taken over

[Anonymous]

Op, this is how it’s been with my dad since I was a teen. I’ve had to detach myself so as not to feel immense sadness. But he married someone who is hostile to his kids and grandkids, is extremely controlling, at times outright abusive to him (he admitted it once a few years ago after a particularly nasty rage filled blowup). My sibling and I have had a tenuous relationship with him ever since, we try to maintain contact but it’s limited and especially now that he is elderly and frail, she is in control. Over the years she has isolated him from family and friends, he walks on eggshells around her so as to not ignite her rage (and he is dependent on her now to drive etc). I make an effort to stay in contact but I’ve had to let go of hope that my dad will ever be capable of a genuine relationship with his kids or grandkids. He has shut himself down emotionally over the years as a strategy to avoid conflict and as a result he cannot connect with anyone. A brilliant and incredibly successful person with no inner life. At least, not with family.

He’s currently in the hospital and I have to work around her to see him this week. I will attempt to get him alone to see if he still want her in charge: I worry with his infirmity she will become more abusive (she is angry at his illness and acts like he’s faking) and that he might prefer assisted living but I doubt he will be able to make that call. I have a feeling he is going to die soon and it breaks my heart but he has made his choice, over and over. My only advice is that you keep lines of communication open but establish your boundaries as well.

As for inheritance, it’s fine to ask your dad if he’s made plans to put his estate in a trust and who is the executor, but I have come to expect nothing (even though my stepmom is independently very wealthy and has no kids). I of course, it’s one more blow, emotionally, not really about the money at all but the idea that we could mean so little to this man, who once loved us so dearly, and that he could choose , over and over, a woman who has been consistently nasty to his children, grandchildren (who blows up at a 7 year old?), brother and nephew….anyone with a connection threatens her. Sorry for the diatribe, realized this was much more about me than OP but this ksbhownitbstaryed with my dad (albeit when he was in his 40s not 70s).

[Anonymous]

I didn't have contact with my dad from around 2000 on, but it alway amused me that his name was Phillip and his last girlfriend was something named like Philippa Phillips and she was apparently Filipina

I only found out because it was somewhere in the details of his death that she kept a life estate in his home when he was in his 80s. Nothing I was interested in by that time but I remember reading it 3x to see that he was indeed with a woman named Philippa Phillips

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is how it’s been with my dad since I was a teen. I’ve had to detach myself so as not to feel immense sadness. But he married someone who is hostile to his kids and grandkids, is extremely controlling, at times outright abusive to him (he admitted it once a few years ago after a particularly nasty rage filled blowup). My sibling and I have had a tenuous relationship with him ever since, we try to maintain contact but it’s limited and especially now that he is elderly and frail, she is in control. Over the years she has isolated him from family and friends, he walks on eggshells around her so as to not ignite her rage (and he is dependent on her now to drive etc). I make an effort to stay in contact but I’ve had to let go of hope that my dad will ever be capable of a genuine relationship with his kids or grandkids. He has shut himself down emotionally over the years as a strategy to avoid conflict and as a result he cannot connect with anyone. A brilliant and incredibly successful person with no inner life. At least, not with family.

He’s currently in the hospital and I have to work around her to see him this week. I will attempt to get him alone to see if he still want her in charge: I worry with his infirmity she will become more abusive (she is angry at his illness and acts like he’s faking) and that he might prefer assisted living but I doubt he will be able to make that call. I have a feeling he is going to die soon and it breaks my heart but he has made his choice, over and over. My only advice is that you keep lines of communication open but establish your boundaries as well.

As for inheritance, it’s fine to ask your dad if he’s made plans to put his estate in a trust and who is the executor, but I have come to expect nothing (even though my stepmom is independently very wealthy and has no kids). I of course, it’s one more blow, emotionally, not really about the money at all but the idea that we could mean so little to this man, who once loved us so dearly, and that he could choose , over and over, a woman who has been consistently nasty to his children, grandchildren (who blows up at a 7 year old?), brother and nephew….anyone with a connection threatens her. Sorry for the diatribe, realized this was much more about me than OP but this ksbhownitbstaryed with my dad (albeit when he was in his 40s not 70s).

So it's not about the money, except it is definitely about the money.

I wonder how many of you wouldn't even try from the beginning if not for the hope of a payday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Six pages, posters arguing and still no follow up answers from OP??? 🧐

Well done in Troll World.

OP. I've been reading the responses and thinking it through.

Regarding inheritance: so, it's not about money for me. If he gave it all to my siblings, or to charity, or whatever, I wouldn't care. And actually, I don't think I would mind if he left it to a wife/girlfriend under some circumstances, like when she passed it was divided evenly among all the kids, and if she wasn't actively trying to cut him off from his kids.

But the whole thing is just so suspicious to me. She stopped working shortly after she moved in, and is now trying to keep him away from his own family. That doesn't sit well with me at all. Ultimately I want him to be happy, and I can't imagine he's very happy supporting a second family and not seeing his own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six pages, posters arguing and still no follow up answers from OP??? 🧐

Well done in Troll World.

OP. I've been reading the responses and thinking it through.

Regarding inheritance: so, it's not about money for me. If he gave it all to my siblings, or to charity, or whatever, I wouldn't care. And actually, I don't think I would mind if he left it to a wife/girlfriend under some circumstances, like when she passed it was divided evenly among all the kids, and if she wasn't actively trying to cut him off from his kids.

But the whole thing is just so suspicious to me. She stopped working shortly after she moved in, and is now trying to keep him away from his own family. That doesn't sit well with me at all. Ultimately I want him to be happy, and I can't imagine he's very happy supporting a second family and not seeing his own family.

But you still haven’t answered the questions about ages. And why your dad was single. Context matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

Stuff it jerk.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if anyone was ever able to act as boldly as the new wife and just isolate their father/kick her out/block her/change the locks,
radical stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

Another jerk.

She should definitely have a talk with him now and mention that his gf won't let him have any time with them and that she would appreciate it if he tried to set some boundaries with his gf. I would let him know how much it hurt that he ignored her family at the holidays. I'd ask him open ended questions to see what he had to say. I'd ask him what he thought their relationship would be like in the future.

I agree with pp. Talk about it now and at least try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad’s long term girlfriend moved in with him this past year and slowly she’s been getting more and more control over him. It’s now at the point where he barely sees his kids and grandkids, even though some of them live 3 minutes away. If he comes over, she calls nonstop because she “needs” him to come home and open a jar or whatever.

This Christmas, he didn’t see his own kids or grandkids and got them no presents bc GF decided “no gifts” this year. They spent the day with her kids and got them gifts.

Really sad about this. I don’t care so much about the gifts - money isn’t important - but that he’s now not even allowed to see his own family. I really never thought he would let a woman control him this much.

I would talk about how it hurt knowing he didn't have time to see any of them even though they are physically close. I wouldnt be afraid to mention how hurtful it was to know that her kids got gifts and his grandchildren didnt. It isn't about the money as much as it shows a lack of care and interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s heartbreaking. This happened to my ex husband after he met his girlfriend- not allowed to see kids, friends, family.
It’s controlling behavior.

I hate it when people blame the woman for these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six pages, posters arguing and still no follow up answers from OP??? 🧐

Well done in Troll World.

OP. I've been reading the responses and thinking it through.

Regarding inheritance: so, it's not about money for me. If he gave it all to my siblings, or to charity, or whatever, I wouldn't care. And actually, I don't think I would mind if he left it to a wife/girlfriend under some circumstances, like when she passed it was divided evenly among all the kids, and if she wasn't actively trying to cut him off from his kids.

But the whole thing is just so suspicious to me. She stopped working shortly after she moved in, and is now trying to keep him away from his own family. That doesn't sit well with me at all. Ultimately I want him to be happy, and I can't imagine he's very happy supporting a second family and not seeing his own family.

But it sounds like you do care if they get married and she inherits upon his death. Despite it being his money.

Everything points to you have a serious problem with the GF that goes well beyond the issues of control you brought up. You don't seem to like her, and it doesn't sound like you ever liked her. No doubt that came through. You may have been perfectly polite, but this level of animosity always comes through other ways.

I strongly suspect there are other relevant details regarding the relationship, your father's situation, and how what you think of the GF's situation that you're not being forthcoming about.

Maybe it isn't about the money itself, but your attitude toward the money suggests other issues at play.

[Anonymous]

Wet pu$$y has that impact on old men.

Sort of like money impacts old women

[Anonymous]

You have a Dad problem. GF has nothing to do with it. If he wanted to see you he would. He sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s already preventing him from seeing his children and grandchildren at Christmas, the war is over and you lost. The inheritance is gone. There’s nothing you can do at this point.

She is still girl friend not wife.
Unless she is a wife and OP doesn’t know about it yet.

This is a real possibility.

My FIL married the first woman he met less than a year of becoming widower. She must have pushed for the legal marriage certificate in city hall and they had a religious wedding with all their families six months later. She’s very controlling and excludes his kids and he does nothing. He has a daughter who was his pride and joy who he’s almost completely cut from his life in favor of the new wife.

Objectively, the wife was a hot mess. She was bankrupt with 10 kids so she won the lottery when she met FIL. He was a stable professional with low six figure income and a paid off house. MIL was normal. I don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

This is the story of my FIL. It spiraled and got worse and worse and worse until the day he died. Then she bolted with the inheritance and left us to handle the funeral arrangements (though tbh, we were glad to do that and not have to deal with her).