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[quote=Anonymous]Op, this is how it’s been with my dad since I was a teen. I’ve had to detach myself so as not to feel immense sadness. But he married someone who is hostile to his kids and grandkids, is extremely controlling, at times outright abusive to him (he admitted it once a few years ago after a particularly nasty rage filled blowup). My sibling and I have had a tenuous relationship with him ever since, we try to maintain contact but it’s limited and especially now that he is elderly and frail, she is in control. Over the years she has isolated him from family and friends, he walks on eggshells around her so as to not ignite her rage (and he is dependent on her now to drive etc). I make an effort to stay in contact but I’ve had to let go of hope that my dad will ever be capable of a genuine relationship with his kids or grandkids. He has shut himself down emotionally over the years as a strategy to avoid conflict and as a result he cannot connect with anyone. A brilliant and incredibly successful person with no inner life. At least, not with family.

He’s currently in the hospital and I have to work around her to see him this week. I will attempt to get him alone to see if he still want her in charge: I worry with his infirmity she will become more abusive (she is angry at his illness and acts like he’s faking) and that he might prefer assisted living but I doubt he will be able to make that call. I have a feeling he is going to die soon and it breaks my heart but he has made his choice, over and over. My only advice is that you keep lines of communication open but establish your boundaries as well.

As for inheritance, it’s fine to ask your dad if he’s made plans to put his estate in a trust and who is the executor, but I have come to expect nothing (even though my stepmom is independently very wealthy and has no kids). I of course, it’s one more blow, emotionally, not really about the money at all but the idea that we could mean so little to this man, who once loved us so dearly, and that he could choose , over and over, a woman who has been consistently nasty to his children, grandchildren (who blows up at a 7 year old?), brother and nephew….anyone with a connection threatens her. Sorry for the diatribe, realized this was much more about me than OP but this ksbhownitbstaryed with my dad (albeit when he was in his 40s not 70s). [/quote]

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