Dad’s girlfriend has officially taken over

[Anonymous]

If she’s already preventing him from seeing his children and grandchildren at Christmas, the war is over and you lost. The inheritance is gone. There’s nothing you can do at this point.

[Anonymous]

If he’s mentally competent, he is the only one to blame for not seeing his family. Would you let your spouse cut you off from your family if you wanted to see them? Of course not. Don’t blame her, blame him (and I’m a first wife married to a first husband, not an evil stepmother, lol).

[Anonymous]

You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

So, you don't necessarily want the money, but you definitely don't want her to have it.

You do realize it isn't your money, right?

You sound incredibly toxic. No doubt this also comes out when you're interacting with her (or not interacting with her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

You sound nuts. You can't possibly believe that would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

Not sure what you’re getting at. I stated facts - she moved in, she asks him to come home nonstop when he visits, she prevented him from spending Christmas with his family. At no point did I attack her or call her names.

I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together. But the last couple years they’ve both changed.

[Anonymous]

Have a convo w your father on it.
Outside of that .. Nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

Not sure what you’re getting at. I stated facts - she moved in, she asks him to come home nonstop when he visits, she prevented him from spending Christmas with his family. At no point did I attack her or call her names.

I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together. But the last couple years they’ve both changed.

Again, what are the ages?

[Anonymous]

My mom’s long-term partner’s family was like this. Largely sided with his ex in the divorce, did the performative holiday and birthday visits over the years, and of course did not hesitate to seek him out for “loans” that they never paid back.

When he got together with my mom, somehow she was the villain, stealing him away from his “real” family. It was his family, so she never interfered, but they blamed her just the same. I think being with my mom helped him get perspective on how his family had treated him over the years, and he just chose a different path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

Not sure what you’re getting at. I stated facts - she moved in, she asks him to come home nonstop when he visits, she prevented him from spending Christmas with his family. At no point did I attack her or call her names.

I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together. But the last couple years they’ve both changed.

Again, what are the ages?

Sounds like a decent age gap, right? OP is old enough to have kids who would notice Xmas, and the girlfriend has kids still in school.

OP - I think you sound very reasonable and I have no idea what the PP is projecting here. With that said, men just kind of suck at multi-tasking in general. Your dad is trying to do at least 4 things, presumably: 1) Be a decent partner; 2) Be a stepdad; 3) Be a dad to his grown kids; 4) Be a grandfather; and potentially 5) have a job.

That's a lot for anybody, and too much for many men. Something ends up getting dropped, and it's often the factor least likely to be a squeaky wheel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

You sound nuts. You can't possibly believe that would help.

I’ve lived it but even more weirdly - with my own mother! She sabotaged her own adult kids’ time with their father. Acted the way the gf is acting (calling him non stop or telling him he was needed when he tried to talk to us kids on the phone).
My dad has almost no will of his own and that’s what worked, hiding the phone from him and handling her calls when he was allowed to visit.
I am telling you these people think that others won’t dare to do what they do and they are mostly right judging by this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

Not sure what you’re getting at. I stated facts - she moved in, she asks him to come home nonstop when he visits, she prevented him from spending Christmas with his family. At no point did I attack her or call her names.

I’ve always been nice to her. She and I would go out together sometimes, she’s comes to my kids’ parties, and we’ve always been welcoming. That’s the weird thing, it’s not like there was tension or awkwardness. She’s always been welcome and we’ve had fun together. But the last couple years they’ve both changed.

So she doesn't come over with him? Why do you think she feels unwelcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

You sound nuts. You can't possibly believe that would help.

Meh. It’s not likely to work because the GF has the upper hand and OP has no leverage. But at least it is honest. Caving and trying to appease won’t work either. At the end of the day King Lear saw the truth, which is at least somewhat edifying.

[Anonymous]

Agree we need to know the ages of the dad, GF, and your kids.

I think I would take him out to lunch, tell him you miss him, and sincerely say you would like to get together more. Ask if your family has done something tomorrow offend him or the gf. Hear him out.

I doubt you have, but this would be step #1 for me. Ask if you need to clean up your side of the street before looking for things that he or the GF has done to lead to this dynamic.