Dad’s girlfriend has officially taken over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

You sound nuts. You can't possibly believe that would help.

I’ve lived it but even more weirdly - with my own mother! She sabotaged her own adult kids’ time with their father. Acted the way the gf is acting (calling him non stop or telling him he was needed when he tried to talk to us kids on the phone).
My dad has almost no will of his own and that’s what worked, hiding the phone from him and handling her calls when he was allowed to visit.
I am telling you these people think that others won’t dare to do what they do and they are mostly right judging by this thread.

My mom did a little bit of this too, and one thing I discovered (way too late unfortunately) is that if I just showed up, my dad was happy to see me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

You sound nuts. You can't possibly believe that would help.

I’ve lived it but even more weirdly - with my own mother! She sabotaged her own adult kids’ time with their father. Acted the way the gf is acting (calling him non stop or telling him he was needed when he tried to talk to us kids on the phone).
My dad has almost no will of his own and that’s what worked, hiding the phone from him and handling her calls when he was allowed to visit.
I am telling you these people think that others won’t dare to do what they do and they are mostly right judging by this thread.

.

Mostly I was reacting to "You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss."

This thread contains terrible advice. You're just going to destroy the rest of the relationship. If the OP makes this a competition with the wife, then the OP is going to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

You sound nuts. You can't possibly believe that would help.

I’ve lived it but even more weirdly - with my own mother! She sabotaged her own adult kids’ time with their father. Acted the way the gf is acting (calling him non stop or telling him he was needed when he tried to talk to us kids on the phone).
My dad has almost no will of his own and that’s what worked, hiding the phone from him and handling her calls when he was allowed to visit.
I am telling you these people think that others won’t dare to do what they do and they are mostly right judging by this thread.

My mom did a little bit of this too, and one thing I discovered (way too late unfortunately) is that if I just showed up, my dad was happy to see me.

People who are controlled are happy when someone more benevolent takes over as long as they don’t have to make their own decision or say no to the controller in chief it’s copacetic.
That’s why I suggested to get off the high horse and beat the gf at her own game

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to plan an intervention OP. Have your dad over. Take his phone and answer her calls saying he is busy and can’t talk right now. If he is easily controlled by her I can’t imagine him putting up a fight with you over you trying to control him.
Have a face to face with her as well and lay down the ground rules. These types thrive on the rest being decent people respectful of boundaries and agency of the person they seek to control. You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss.
GL

You sound nuts. You can't possibly believe that would help.

I’ve lived it but even more weirdly - with my own mother! She sabotaged her own adult kids’ time with their father. Acted the way the gf is acting (calling him non stop or telling him he was needed when he tried to talk to us kids on the phone).
My dad has almost no will of his own and that’s what worked, hiding the phone from him and handling her calls when he was allowed to visit.
I am telling you these people think that others won’t dare to do what they do and they are mostly right judging by this thread.

.

Mostly I was reacting to "You need to get down to her level and show her who’s the boss."

This thread contains terrible advice. You're just going to destroy the rest of the relationship. If the OP makes this a competition with the wife, then the OP is going to lose.

How do you know? She’s going to lose if she DOESN’T do it and stays on her high horse. If she gets her hands dirty she stands a chance.

[Anonymous]

If they get married you aren’t getting the house or any inheritance. It will go to the spouse (assuming she’s younger since you mention her kids, so presumably not adults). My father remarried a younger woman and I expect nothing. It doesn’t stop me from having a good relationship with both of them. On the plus side she is dealing with the issues of caring for an elderly spouse, which is helpful since I need to deal with my mothers aging issues.

[Anonymous]

You say that she prevented him from seeing you at Christmas. What did that look like? How was it not his free choice?

[Anonymous]

If he’s mentally confident, he is making these choices, not her. You should be blaming him, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s mentally confident, he is making these choices, not her. You should be blaming him, not her.

Typo. Competent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s mentally confident, he is making these choices, not her. You should be blaming him, not her.

Right that is why some people are recommending talking to him directly.

That said, manipulation is a real thing. While of course he would ultimately be to blame, you can’t underestimate the impact of a manipulator.

[Anonymous]

Mental incompetence can take various forms. My dad is certainly competent in the legal sense but he is cognitively declined and it’s been decades since he had any semblance of free will, he was overpowered by my late mother for many years. He wasn’t capable of making choices and he isn’t now. If he were to find a controlling spouse now I can see how she could cut his access to his kids and grandkids if she wanted to. OPs dad is probably not that extreme of a case but I can see an older person being easily manipulated

[Anonymous]

OP, give up now. She services him sexually. Literally no one else matters. Not even his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s mentally competent, he is the only one to blame for not seeing his family. Would you let your spouse cut you off from your family if you wanted to see them? Of course not. Don’t blame her, blame him (and I’m a first wife married to a first husband, not an evil stepmother, lol).

b

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

Go away, Ivanka. Your attitude is never appreciated, but always understood given your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take him to lunch and talk honestly with him. Tell him it’s up to him, not her, whethyhe has a relationship with you, but he’s giving her that power.

This^.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they get married you aren’t getting the house or any inheritance. It will go to the spouse (assuming she’s younger since you mention her kids, so presumably not adults). My father remarried a younger woman and I expect nothing. It doesn’t stop me from having a good relationship with both of them. On the plus side she is dealing with the issues of caring for an elderly spouse, which is helpful since I need to deal with my mothers aging issues.

Why continue the relationship with no promise of inheritance?