Dad’s girlfriend has officially taken over

[Anonymous]

Many older men are more concerned with having a companion so they aren't lonely, and keeping them happy in hopes they will help them age to the end. And in their minds, the cost is keeping the companion happy.

The men know that many kids don't help with care, and definitely don't provide every day companionship.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is Bill Belichick?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered that the calls for help from the GF might be prearranged escape plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like early cognitive decline. My uncle who was the most stubborn independent minded person on earth became very dependent on my aunt to make decisions for him. It’s common.

This is sort of a lesson for women to take steps to put assets in trust for your kids before you die, rather than letting your husband inherit everything — it’s all going to go to second wives kids. If there are things of their moms they really want, like her jewelry, china, art, etc….they should try to get it now, in a nice way. Go visit when she might not be home, say “oh dad, I’d really love that painting mom loved, it makes me think of her — is it okay if I take it?”

If you suspect congnitive decline, that is blatantly illegal.

DP. Oh please. That’s what all those new girlfriends do yet you suggest that kids should just keel over and let them win?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

You suck but you already knew that.

[Anonymous]

Your dad made a deal, basically she gets to control everything and he doesn’t have to do anything but go along. If he’s cognitively sound, that’s his choice. Maybe it’s more important to him to have someone running his day to day than it is to see his kids. My DH is only 40 and he hasn’t bought paper towels or thought about buying paper towels for ten years. By the time I die on him, he could be totally helpless. I can see him marrying whoever will take care of him on whatever terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It does sound like early cognitive decline. My uncle who was the most stubborn independent minded person on earth became very dependent on my aunt to make decisions for him. It’s common.

This is sort of a lesson for women to take steps to put assets in trust for your kids before you die, rather than letting your husband inherit everything — it’s all going to go to second wives kids. If there are things of their moms they really want, like her jewelry, china, art, etc….they should try to get it now, in a nice way. Go visit when she might not be home, say “oh dad, I’d really love that painting mom loved, it makes me think of her — is it okay if I take it?”

If you suspect congnitive decline, that is blatantly illegal.

DP. Oh please. That’s what all those new girlfriends do yet you suggest that kids should just keel over and let them win?

Do you bother to think about what you're writing before you type it? Let them win!?!

I really hope you've already been written out of your parents' wills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

You suck but you already knew that.

And you'll always have your cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

What’s wrong with OP’s attitude? I think OP sounds more than reasonable. Are you dad’s GF?

Read the post again. Does that sound like someone who is pleasant to be around? You don't think that's going to come out other ways?

Ops post sounds fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the almost inevitable legacy of divorce. Sometimes the new partner is benevolent, but it's rare. Most are at the very best neutral, which means they are going to look out for themselves and their kids. Many are horrible. And even with the benevolent ones some tension -- whether it has to do with time or financial resources or whatever -- is almost unavoidable.

People remarry (or move in with a SO), and that's their family now. It's really unfortunate, but that's almost always the way it is.

+1

Unfortunately, this tends to be the way it goes. Have seen it many times. I’m sorry, OP.

My stepdad (long term, married my mom when I was a young teen) moved his girlfriend into the house within 3 months, after my mom died. And that was that. She was his first priority from then on. I don’t care all that much personally, but feel terrible for my younger sisters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Confront him before it’s too late.

You have nothing to lose. Take the high road and you’ll be watching all his stuff go to her kids, and you’ll be begging for th photo albums.

lol. Yeah, going after the inheritance is definitely the way to rebuild a relationship.

OP. So for inheritance, I don’t necessarily care about the money itself. If he chose to leave everything to my siblings and nothing to me, I’d be fine with that because it’s staying in the family and I trust my siblings not to squander it.

But I do have a real problem if he leaves everything to her and her kids. She doesn’t work, so it’s a very real possibility she could convince him to leave her our childhood house so she has a place to stay, leave her money for her kids’ college tuition (they are high school age), etc.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

But more importantly, I want to be able to see my dad. I want him to be able to see his grandkids without it being an issue with her.

He’s going to leave it all to her and he won’t be seeing you because she’s already won. Old men suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

What’s wrong with OP’s attitude? I think OP sounds more than reasonable. Are you dad’s GF?

Read the post again. Does that sound like someone who is pleasant to be around? You don't think that's going to come out other ways?

Ops post sounds fine.

Did you read it?

"If he comes over, she calls nonstop because she “needs” him to come home and open a jar or whatever."

"I really never thought he would let a woman control him this much."

She's unhinged, and her later post on inheritance sealed it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. I do think if you are able to stay calm, you all need to take him aside to discuss your concerns.

Similar situation here, but what got us all out of it was that she died unexpectedly, I am sorry to say. She had no kids but but the phone-blocking/telling us not to call/ the cancelling of his plans to be with his grandkids- for sudden reprioritizing of her siblings adult (no kids) families/people he'd never met/didn't know- was crazy... Sadly he is a little more infirm now so not getting out trying to find another wife (relieved at this last part-these days we just watch his accounts to make sure he is not sending money to scam foreign princesses etc).

But just knowing he could alter his value system so much to suddenly not be interested in our family was chilling. That hurt/knowledge never goes away. I think some people just NEED to be in a bonded couple and will put up with ANYTHING to not be alone... even being mistreated (making up excuses for it- one time he told us she was mean and "had a sharp tongue" but he "guessed he must deserve it"- and we were FLOORED- we tried to ask questions and assure him no one deserved that and he shut down and refused to discuss it) or when being lied to or cutting out their families. We just never would have thought it would be our dad. He was always a big tough dude but very patient and supportive/a real right-fighter all his life, not mean for the same of being mean, and normally saw through the bs in life (recognizing gold-diggers or miserable, manipulative people that friends were married to).

I think it's important for you to get him away long enough to have a serious talk- not unlike an intervention- but only if you can come to a gentle place of hurt- not accusation and not any of the financials (not to start off anyway unless there are serious concerns about his future care/financial independence). Take our all your phones and agree to turn them off for a few moments so you are uninterrupted. Just a 'here was the plan when you were with our mother- is that still the plan? Asking because it's concerning that you no longer wanted to have Christmas with any of your grandkids so we were wanting to talk about this and ask if you are ok. Do you get the feeling xx doesn't like you around us? Because that is how it is feeling to us'.

The big thing in our case was all the siblings bought out the family home as he randomly expressed a desire to 'leave it to her' (which none of us wanted) so a price was set by him and agreed and he got the money for the home/furnishings- we knew he could burn through that, but at least not put our family members in a situation where they suddenly where on the title with her as she was quite aggressive with them. Before that happened, they'd visit our family home from place, and she was seen pilfering contents and bringing them to her home.

In truth- we never got a chance to do it with our father as his wife suddenly got increasingly chronically ill and passed- but we KNOW he was revising history and finding strange reasons to feel a need be codependent with his wife or make excuses for her- so we knew it would not go well- he is quick to anger at the best of times if he thinks he needs to defend something or someone, especially if that person is him when he knows he's made a bad decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

You suck but you already knew that.

And you'll always have your cats.

What a bizarre response?what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With that attitude, I can't imagine why she doesn't want to spend time with you.

What’s wrong with OP’s attitude? I think OP sounds more than reasonable. Are you dad’s GF?

Read the post again. Does that sound like someone who is pleasant to be around? You don't think that's going to come out other ways?

Ops post sounds fine.

Did you read it?

"If he comes over, she calls nonstop because she “needs” him to come home and open a jar or whatever."

"I really never thought he would let a woman control him this much."

She's unhinged, and her later post on inheritance sealed it.

DP, Sorry, you’re the crazy one. OP sounds reasonable.