Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I don’t. There is a double standard. Many men would divorce a cheating wife but have cheated themselves. My DH is one of those. Can’t handle the thought of someone touching me but he has cheated quite a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

This
PP already knows her man has stepped out… Eww

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

This
PP already knows her man has stepped out… Eww

Eww to you to not consider the way divorce affects children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, first off, life’s a funny teacher, ain’t it? You sit down for 20 years of what you think is a steady game of checkers, and suddenly, the board’s got a whole new set of pieces you didn’t see coming. Now, you’re asking if you’d say something…that’s a heavy choice, my friend.

See, honesty’s like a river, sometimes it’s gentle, sometimes it’s wild, but it always finds a way to the sea. You gotta ask yourself: what’s the purpose of sharing it now? Healing? Revenge? Closure? And you have to be real with yourself about the consequences, because once it’s out there, you can’t put that cat back in the bag.

Does it matter if it’s a wife or a husband? Man, I don’t think so. Pain don’t play favorites, and regret doesn't care about gender. It’s about trust, love, and what you both want for the next move.

So, you weigh it, you breathe, you decide, but whatever you do, make sure it comes from the place where your heart and your truth meet. That’s the game worth playing.

Okay, Matthew McConaughey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

Exactly. It’s all about me me me, making sure my life is the way I want, and limiting the possible consequences to me. Utterly selfish. Just what you expect from someone who cheated, it’s the kind of attitude that led to cheating in the first place.

Well, I wouldn’t quite go that far, but it does seem pretty convenient — all that stuff about becoming a better spouse and doing work in therapy and carrying that shame or whatever, but still somehow taking the path that is clearly in their own best interest. I assume they know, but choose not to act on, the fact that their husbands might well choose to leave if they knew the truth.

Mine was in weekly therapy for the entirety of the affair, never said a word to their therapist, pure performance. Remember when Dr. Melfi said that treating criminals was a waste of time because all they were doing was practicing? well that’s my bride!

Hope she’s still not your bride !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Is that how that works?

“Hey my mom died so I get a hall pass- ever do it in a hearse?”

“Ugh, back to school shopping is the worst. I guess I’ll just have to bang Jimmy’s teacher.”

And the fact that you know this, continue to associate with them, and consider them “close friends” speaks volumes about your character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a good chance the OP’s children are not biologically his.

OP: how soon can you arrange genetic testing? Now might be the one time I recommend an outfit like 23 And Me (or similar) to see if the child(ren) were actually fathered by you, or by the other man / men.

This. OP, she’s been cheating on you for years and clearly just did so again recently. You need to test the kids for your own peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your wife’s a cheating liar.
An affair now or ten years is still affair and wrong.

This and she obviously openly talked to her bf about it making you look like a total loser. She sucks and is a terrible example for your kids. Talk with a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

Naturally you confessed to your DH and did what it took to gain his forgiveness? No? That’s because it wasn’t one time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I don't know who hurt you but that's not how that works.

PP gets it. The way it works, the only way it works, is to cover the infidelity with lying. Years of lying, in moments big and small. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, “date nights”, grocery shopping, commuting, homework help. You have to lie all the time, in every moment to be successful, because if you don’t, you could slip up, get caught, and have to feign remorse. That’s the only way it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your wife’s a cheating liar.
An affair now or ten years is still affair and wrong.

This and she obviously openly talked to her bf about it making you look like a total loser. She sucks and is a terrible example for your kids. Talk with a lawyer.

Think the best friend hasn’t told anybody? “You mean he *still* doesn’t know?!?!” has been whispered at every backyard BBQ or holiday party he’s ever attended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

Women will confide in each other about their affairs. It's way more common than you realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?