Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

There is a good chance the OP’s children are not biologically his.

OP: how soon can you arrange genetic testing? Now might be the one time I recommend an outfit like 23 And Me (or similar) to see if the child(ren) were actually fathered by you, or by the other man / men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

[Anonymous]

^ does the guy’s wife know. May he confess or she finds out. Friend was outed by guy’s wife several years after affair was over.

You never really know…..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP that wife of yours is for the streets... Return her back.

Sure that affair wasn't her first or last.

Sometimes what’s simple is true, and so I believe it to be here. I agree with one of the PPs above, who said that sometimes people can make mistakes, do something wrong, regret it, and mend their ways. This can happen. For example, you can’t really expect your wife to resist temptation if the young Christian Bale made a move on her in the hotel bar, the same way that a man would probably cave in the less-likely scenario that Sydney Sweeney tried to seduce him. None of us are made of stone, and we are all potentially vulnerable to temptation.

But this isn’t that. She was brazen enough about this affair to carry on for a period of time and to discuss it with her friends. That’s not a mistake; it’s hostile action. Her character has been revealed. She for the streets, and the sooner you accept that fact and move on the better your long term prospects are likely to be. Consult with a professional to get an objective view on this, no one on this thread actually knows your situation and there may be important nuance to consider, but recognize how badly you are going to want to believe that this relationship can be repaired because of all that will be lost. But, most likely, it’s lost already and probably never existed the way you think it did. IMO, in a marriage worth saving, the cheating spouse would have, at some point, confessed, repented, and begged for forgiveness. Not been prickly when you discovered it on your own.

Agree. A one time mistake ten years ago with a young Christian Bale or a Sydney Sweeney is something you put behind you and keep quiet. But sustaining that one time mistake and making it an affair and then blathering about it to friends makes it different. Especially since it clearly continues to resonate ten years later when she is emotional about friends running into this affair partner at the airport.

Whether you are a man or woman in this situation, you check out. There's no love here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend know about the affair?

She's also trash.

That's pretty unfair. The friend is OP's friend. It's not her job to tell OP's husband or AP's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

Naturally you confessed to your DH and did what it took to gain his forgiveness? No? That’s because it wasn’t one time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I don't know who hurt you but that's not how that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

Naturally you confessed to your DH and did what it took to gain his forgiveness? No? That’s because it wasn’t one time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I don't know who hurt you but that's not how that works.

Actually, it is the only way it works. If that doesn’t happen then you are just pretending to be someone you are not. That secret changes you and your relationship, disclosed or not you are preserving and protecting the affair over your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend know about the affair?

She's also trash.

That's pretty unfair. The friend is OP's friend. It's not her job to tell OP's husband or AP's wife.

Friends should help you become a better person, not encourage trashy behavior and support it.

[Anonymous]

Well, first off, life’s a funny teacher, ain’t it? You sit down for 20 years of what you think is a steady game of checkers, and suddenly, the board’s got a whole new set of pieces you didn’t see coming. Now, you’re asking if you’d say something…that’s a heavy choice, my friend.

See, honesty’s like a river, sometimes it’s gentle, sometimes it’s wild, but it always finds a way to the sea. You gotta ask yourself: what’s the purpose of sharing it now? Healing? Revenge? Closure? And you have to be real with yourself about the consequences, because once it’s out there, you can’t put that cat back in the bag.

Does it matter if it’s a wife or a husband? Man, I don’t think so. Pain don’t play favorites, and regret doesn't care about gender. It’s about trust, love, and what you both want for the next move.

So, you weigh it, you breathe, you decide, but whatever you do, make sure it comes from the place where your heart and your truth meet. That’s the game worth playing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

Naturally you confessed to your DH and did what it took to gain his forgiveness? No? That’s because it wasn’t one time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I don't know who hurt you but that's not how that works.

It is how it works. If you didn’t tell your spouse then you’re not really sorry and you are only concerned about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

Exactly. It’s all about me me me, making sure my life is the way I want, and limiting the possible consequences to me. Utterly selfish. Just what you expect from someone who cheated, it’s the kind of attitude that led to cheating in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

Exactly. It’s all about me me me, making sure my life is the way I want, and limiting the possible consequences to me. Utterly selfish. Just what you expect from someone who cheated, it’s the kind of attitude that led to cheating in the first place.

Well, I wouldn’t quite go that far, but it does seem pretty convenient — all that stuff about becoming a better spouse and doing work in therapy and carrying that shame or whatever, but still somehow taking the path that is clearly in their own best interest. I assume they know, but choose not to act on, the fact that their husbands might well choose to leave if they knew the truth.

[Anonymous]

I think her response is what’s truly worrying because it doesn’t suggest any remorse. Maybe she just freaked out and didn’t respond rationally. I might give it one more opportunity to sit down and have a real conversation. I’d also be looking back at that time period to see if things were really different at that time (had her mom just died? Or you were super depressed and not talking to her? A kid just diagnosed with a serious illness?) that might explain (not excuse) unusual behavior. But if it just looks like that was like any other period. I’d be worried that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

Exactly. It’s all about me me me, making sure my life is the way I want, and limiting the possible consequences to me. Utterly selfish. Just what you expect from someone who cheated, it’s the kind of attitude that led to cheating in the first place.

Well, I wouldn’t quite go that far, but it does seem pretty convenient — all that stuff about becoming a better spouse and doing work in therapy and carrying that shame or whatever, but still somehow taking the path that is clearly in their own best interest. I assume they know, but choose not to act on, the fact that their husbands might well choose to leave if they knew the truth.

Mine was in weekly therapy for the entirety of the affair, never said a word to their therapist, pure performance. Remember when Dr. Melfi said that treating criminals was a waste of time because all they were doing was practicing? well that’s my bride!