Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend know about the affair?

She's also trash.

That's pretty unfair. The friend is OP's friend. It's not her job to tell OP's husband or AP's wife.

Friends should help you become a better person, not encourage trashy behavior and support it.

How do you know OP's wife's friend didn't encourage her to end the affair?

My friend told me about her affair. She was married but they didn't have kids (didn't want them, we were in our early 40's when this happened). I didn't make her feel good about it but I also didn't tell her husband because it was not my place as her friend to do so. That's fine if you disagree with me, I don't really care. But I wasn't encouraging or supporting the affair, I was just listening to my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

Naturally you confessed to your DH and did what it took to gain his forgiveness? No? That’s because it wasn’t one time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat.

I don't know who hurt you but that's not how that works.

It is how it works. If you didn’t tell your spouse then you’re not really sorry and you are only concerned about yourself.

Sorry this is so hard for you. The point that was made was that if someone didn't confess to an affair it's because it wasn't a one-time thing and they'd do it again in a heartbeat. That's just not true. But you can keep making your declarative statements if you want. Seriously, no one who has actually been in that situation is interested in your take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Not PP but they're humans. People make mistakes. If you want to disown your friends because they had an affair, go ahead. Some of us don't live in such a black and white world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Not PP but they're humans. People make mistakes. If you want to disown your friends because they had an affair, go ahead. Some of us don't live in such a black and white world.

I just couldn’t imagine myself having that knowledge and choosing to continue to associate with that type of person. I can’t control their lack of integrity, but I can choose my character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

+1.

I would not encourage a friend to cheat. But there is no way I am giving up a good friendship because they cheated on their spouse.

Someone who betrays the most important relationship in their life simply can’t be trusted as a friend. They are users, they don’t have your back, don’t count on them for anything.

Meh. I would not date someone who cheated on their spouse, but a platonic friendship is a different kind of relationship with different obligations. I am not concerned unless this person used my name in their web of lies.

You know that person wouldn’t hesitate to lie to you and deceive you. That’s who they are. If you want to be around a person like that, ok, you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

Sorry, but integrity ranks a little higher for me than dress size when I am choosing friends.

But for the grace of God go you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

You sound like a cheater who nevertheless demanded full custody of the kids. Yes, you are making excuses for cheaters.

Your children’s best interests were served by a happy intact marriage. But the cheater already destroyed that. But now the spouse who got cheated on is to blame for breaking up the marriage and hurting the children if they leave? No, just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

Sorry, but integrity ranks a little higher for me than dress size when I am choosing friends.

But for the grace of God go you.

Grace of God has nothing to do with the choices for which I am responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Not PP but they're humans. People make mistakes. If you want to disown your friends because they had an affair, go ahead. Some of us don't live in such a black and white world.

I just couldn’t imagine myself having that knowledge and choosing to continue to associate with that type of person. I can’t control their lack of integrity, but I can choose my character.

I think you have a very simplistic view of the world. My friend who had an affair sits on the boards of multiple nonprofits, spends a lot of her time and money saving animals, is a very caring friend, and also happened to have an affair after years of a tough marriage. Should she have gotten divorced before moving on with someone else? Absolutely. Am I going to stop being friends with her because of what she did? Nope. Cheaters are not a monolith. Some of them are awful people who disrespect their spouses on a bunch of levels and are probably jerks to many people in their lives. Others are good people who made a mistake. Cut them all off if you want, some of us understand that life is more nuanced than you think. Also, statistically speaking, one of your friends has had an affair, you just don't know about it. So consider that - if you can't tell which friend it is, how exactly does cheating make someone a certain kind of person? Hmm...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are assuming the children will know about the affair. Only bad parents tell their children their other parent cheated. Burdening your kids with intimate details of your relationship is abusive.

So you may say but it’s practically inevitable that the kids will find out, which is another reason not to cheat in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend know about the affair?

She's also trash.

That's pretty unfair. The friend is OP's friend. It's not her job to tell OP's husband or AP's wife.

Friends should help you become a better person, not encourage trashy behavior and support it.

How do you know OP's wife's friend didn't encourage her to end the affair?

My friend told me about her affair. She was married but they didn't have kids (didn't want them, we were in our early 40's when this happened). I didn't make her feel good about it but I also didn't tell her husband because it was not my place as her friend to do so. That's fine if you disagree with me, I don't really care. But I wasn't encouraging or supporting the affair, I was just listening to my friend.

If you didn’t tell her to stop doing it and to tell her husband about it then yes you were encouraging and supporting the affair, and you are trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

You sound like a cheater who nevertheless demanded full custody of the kids. Yes, you are making excuses for cheaters.

Your children’s best interests were served by a happy intact marriage. But the cheater already destroyed that. But now the spouse who got cheated on is to blame for breaking up the marriage and hurting the children if they leave? No, just no.

Yeah. Everyone who disagrees with your rush to divorce sounds like a cheater. Why am I not surprised? I bet people like horrible logic and reasoning skills like yours think they are prizes in the divorcee dating market because they are "victims" of their cheating spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Not PP but they're humans. People make mistakes. If you want to disown your friends because they had an affair, go ahead. Some of us don't live in such a black and white world.

I just couldn’t imagine myself having that knowledge and choosing to continue to associate with that type of person. I can’t control their lack of integrity, but I can choose my character.

So are you close to your friends' children? Do they consider you an aunt/ uncle? If you are, what happens to that relationship when you drop your friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Not PP but they're humans. People make mistakes. If you want to disown your friends because they had an affair, go ahead. Some of us don't live in such a black and white world.

I just couldn’t imagine myself having that knowledge and choosing to continue to associate with that type of person. I can’t control their lack of integrity, but I can choose my character.

I think you have a very simplistic view of the world. My friend who had an affair sits on the boards of multiple nonprofits, spends a lot of her time and money saving animals, is a very caring friend, and also happened to have an affair after years of a tough marriage. Should she have gotten divorced before moving on with someone else? Absolutely. Am I going to stop being friends with her because of what she did? Nope. Cheaters are not a monolith. Some of them are awful people who disrespect their spouses on a bunch of levels and are probably jerks to many people in their lives. Others are good people who made a mistake. Cut them all off if you want, some of us understand that life is more nuanced than you think. Also, statistically speaking, one of your friends has had an affair, you just don't know about it. So consider that - if you can't tell which friend it is, how exactly does cheating make someone a certain kind of person? Hmm...

Lots of cheater apologists here. Birds of a feather…

[Anonymous]

OP keep us posted!