Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just reapproach her calmly, without anger or negative emotion. She will otherwise latch into your negative emotion and respond to that. Tell her that after 20 years together, you need to be honest with each other. Tell her you want to understand what happened, what she was thinking and feeling. If she still can’t have a mature, honest discussion, then I think you have a choice to make.

Plenty of marriages can weather an affair. But it’s what happens after the affair that makes the difference.

You’re just going to get trickle truth. And if she’s still actively cheating (very possible) she will just take more steps to conceal her behavior.

She already made her choice. OP doesn’t really have a real choice to make. Accept it’s over, proceed from there.

You can never recover from accepting being cucked. She will never respect that, nor should she.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you are in year 20 of your marriage and discover that your spouse had a 3 month long affair 10 years earlier, would you say anything?

Do you think it matters if the spouse being cheated on was the wife or husband?

It doesn’t matter.

You did say something. What’s your question?

He wants DCUM women to tell him yes it could have been just once ten ago and it never happened again and doesn’t matter. That way he doesn’t have to make any painful decisions.

Sorry OP the answer is no it wasn’t just once a long time ago, and if you have kids, better get their paternity tested.

Are you psychic? No? Didn’t think so.

OP, what’s your question?

You don’t need to be psychic to predict how a man who just discovered his wife cheated is going to act, dolt. They all act the same way. They hope their life won’t be turned upside down and that everything can continue as before. They’re always wrong.

Yes, every person acts exactly the same way in a given situation. Cheating wives and cuckolded husbands. Yes, that’s the way humans are. All exactly the same.

Like all the people on this one tiny thread who have reacted differently to this one situation. Yup.

Three pages in and OP hasn’t asked a question.

Do you have a point to make?

“They all act the same way.”

No, they don’t.

My point is you act like you know OP’s life and you don’t.

Projecting?

You are projecting. Funny.

You are definitely projecting. So much anger. It makes it hard for you to offer useful advice.

[Anonymous]

You are living in a curated reality that your wife has formed around you. You have been manipulated and lied to thousands of times. Life as you knew it is over.

Prepare to feel every negative emotion, then prepare to feel each of them in combination with three others. As time goes forward you might get a few hours where you don't think about it, you're not getting a break, because the next morning you'll wake up to a new horrid revelation that your brain has recognized and delivered out of your subconscious for you to deal with. Eventually the pain will turn to anger; revenge fantasies will play one after the other in the shower, washing your hair for a third time because you forgot where you were in your routine.

Your wife will shirk all accountability, she'll be half hearted in her efforts to rebuild and you'll find yourself apologizing for rewritten history that she's practiced so many times that it's become fact all in preparation for this very moment.

As time goes forward you'll think you've made progress and in a few years you might see a picture from 2017 and it'll all come back worse that it feels now. Remember Holden Caulfield? the dizzy spinning feeling he had before his breakdown? That's gonna be you for a year or two.

She won't heal you, she can't and she doesn't want to, get into therapy ASAP with a counselor who can help with betrayal trauma. Circle the financial wagons, join a gym and turn the pain into muscle, buy a boat, take flying lessons, prioritize your health and sanity. Be polite at home, don't lash out, keep quiet and focus on chapter 2.

I'm sorry, this is going to be the most painful chapter in your life but you're gonna be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are living in a curated reality that your wife has formed around you. You have been manipulated and lied to thousands of times. Life as you knew it is over.

Prepare to feel every negative emotion, then prepare to feel each of them in combination with three others. As time goes forward you might get a few hours where you don't think about it, you're not getting a break, because the next morning you'll wake up to a new horrid revelation that your brain has recognized and delivered out of your subconscious for you to deal with. Eventually the pain will turn to anger; revenge fantasies will play one after the other in the shower, washing your hair for a third time because you forgot where you were in your routine.

Your wife will shirk all accountability, she'll be half hearted in her efforts to rebuild and you'll find yourself apologizing for rewritten history that she's practiced so many times that it's become fact all in preparation for this very moment.

As time goes forward you'll think you've made progress and in a few years you might see a picture from 2017 and it'll all come back worse that it feels now. Remember Holden Caulfield? the dizzy spinning feeling he had before his breakdown? That's gonna be you for a year or two.

She won't heal you, she can't and she doesn't want to, get into therapy ASAP with a counselor who can help with betrayal trauma. Circle the financial wagons, join a gym and turn the pain into muscle, buy a boat, take flying lessons, prioritize your health and sanity. Be polite at home, don't lash out, keep quiet and focus on chapter 2.

I'm sorry, this is going to be the most painful chapter in your life but you're gonna be ok.

Are you going to be ok? Cuz that is a lot of baggage you are carrying around. Best to put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are living in a curated reality that your wife has formed around you. You have been manipulated and lied to thousands of times. Life as you knew it is over.

Prepare to feel every negative emotion, then prepare to feel each of them in combination with three others. As time goes forward you might get a few hours where you don't think about it, you're not getting a break, because the next morning you'll wake up to a new horrid revelation that your brain has recognized and delivered out of your subconscious for you to deal with. Eventually the pain will turn to anger; revenge fantasies will play one after the other in the shower, washing your hair for a third time because you forgot where you were in your routine.

Your wife will shirk all accountability, she'll be half hearted in her efforts to rebuild and you'll find yourself apologizing for rewritten history that she's practiced so many times that it's become fact all in preparation for this very moment.

As time goes forward you'll think you've made progress and in a few years you might see a picture from 2017 and it'll all come back worse that it feels now. Remember Holden Caulfield? the dizzy spinning feeling he had before his breakdown? That's gonna be you for a year or two.

She won't heal you, she can't and she doesn't want to, get into therapy ASAP with a counselor who can help with betrayal trauma. Circle the financial wagons, join a gym and turn the pain into muscle, buy a boat, take flying lessons, prioritize your health and sanity. Be polite at home, don't lash out, keep quiet and focus on chapter 2.

I'm sorry, this is going to be the most painful chapter in your life but you're gonna be ok.

Are you going to be ok? Cuz that is a lot of baggage you are carrying around. Best to put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.

He is telling him how it is and is 100% correct, she now is baggage vs a partner. He will never know the full story because chaos driven liars manipulate and distort. She is selfish, not accountable and is incapable of transparency, so love is really off the table.

He did a great job describing reality vs what betraying partners acknowledge of reality.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would say something. I’d be very disappointed and feel betrayed and like whole life together and relationship is based on a lie. I’d also wonder if there are other instances that I don’t know about. It’d be a serious blow to trust.

[Anonymous]

Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

What does being blonde have to do with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

What does being blonde have to do with it?

As a blonde maie friend of mine who grew up in a family of 8 kids, half of whom were brunette and the other half blonde, said to me -
Blondes experience life differently.

He was not kidding. I had asked him about factionalism in such a large family of kids, was it based on age, seniority, gender? No, it was hair color. The blonde kids experienced life differently than the brunettes and it was a cultural difference for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in year 20 of your marriage and discover that your spouse had a 3 month long affair 10 years earlier, would you say anything?

Do you think it matters if the spouse being cheated on was the wife or husband?

It doesn’t matter.

You did say something. What’s your question?

He wants DCUM women to tell him yes it could have been just once ten ago and it never happened again and doesn’t matter. That way he doesn’t have to make any painful decisions.

Sorry OP the answer is no it wasn’t just once a long time ago, and if you have kids, better get their paternity tested.

Are you psychic? No? Didn’t think so.

OP, what’s your question?

You don’t need to be psychic to predict how a man who just discovered his wife cheated is going to act, dolt. They all act the same way. They hope their life won’t be turned upside down and that everything can continue as before. They’re always wrong.

Yes, every person acts exactly the same way in a given situation. Cheating wives and cuckolded husbands. Yes, that’s the way humans are. All exactly the same.

Like all the people on this one tiny thread who have reacted differently to this one situation. Yup.

Three pages in and OP hasn’t asked a question.

Do you have a point to make?

“They all act the same way.”

No, they don’t.

My point is you act like you know OP’s life and you don’t.

Projecting?

You are projecting. Funny.

You are definitely projecting. So much anger. It makes it hard for you to offer useful advice.

Why do dumb people always say “you sound angry” in an attempt, in their puny minds, to discredit what someone else says?

[Anonymous]

OP, how have you felt about your marriage the last 10-20 years. Only you know if you were happy and can move past this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are living in a curated reality that your wife has formed around you. You have been manipulated and lied to thousands of times. Life as you knew it is over.

Prepare to feel every negative emotion, then prepare to feel each of them in combination with three others. As time goes forward you might get a few hours where you don't think about it, you're not getting a break, because the next morning you'll wake up to a new horrid revelation that your brain has recognized and delivered out of your subconscious for you to deal with. Eventually the pain will turn to anger; revenge fantasies will play one after the other in the shower, washing your hair for a third time because you forgot where you were in your routine.

Your wife will shirk all accountability, she'll be half hearted in her efforts to rebuild and you'll find yourself apologizing for rewritten history that she's practiced so many times that it's become fact all in preparation for this very moment.

As time goes forward you'll think you've made progress and in a few years you might see a picture from 2017 and it'll all come back worse that it feels now. Remember Holden Caulfield? the dizzy spinning feeling he had before his breakdown? That's gonna be you for a year or two.

She won't heal you, she can't and she doesn't want to, get into therapy ASAP with a counselor who can help with betrayal trauma. Circle the financial wagons, join a gym and turn the pain into muscle, buy a boat, take flying lessons, prioritize your health and sanity. Be polite at home, don't lash out, keep quiet and focus on chapter 2.

I'm sorry, this is going to be the most painful chapter in your life but you're gonna be ok.

Are you going to be ok? Cuz that is a lot of baggage you are carrying around. Best to put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.

That PP is telling OP how it’s going to be. Everyone who has been there knows what PP said is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how have you felt about your marriage the last 10-20 years. Only you know if you were happy and can move past this.

Except what happiness he had was false - built on lies and deception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are living in a curated reality that your wife has formed around you. You have been manipulated and lied to thousands of times. Life as you knew it is over.

Prepare to feel every negative emotion, then prepare to feel each of them in combination with three others. As time goes forward you might get a few hours where you don't think about it, you're not getting a break, because the next morning you'll wake up to a new horrid revelation that your brain has recognized and delivered out of your subconscious for you to deal with. Eventually the pain will turn to anger; revenge fantasies will play one after the other in the shower, washing your hair for a third time because you forgot where you were in your routine.

Your wife will shirk all accountability, she'll be half hearted in her efforts to rebuild and you'll find yourself apologizing for rewritten history that she's practiced so many times that it's become fact all in preparation for this very moment.

As time goes forward you'll think you've made progress and in a few years you might see a picture from 2017 and it'll all come back worse that it feels now. Remember Holden Caulfield? the dizzy spinning feeling he had before his breakdown? That's gonna be you for a year or two.

She won't heal you, she can't and she doesn't want to, get into therapy ASAP with a counselor who can help with betrayal trauma. Circle the financial wagons, join a gym and turn the pain into muscle, buy a boat, take flying lessons, prioritize your health and sanity. Be polite at home, don't lash out, keep quiet and focus on chapter 2.

I'm sorry, this is going to be the most painful chapter in your life but you're gonna be ok.

Are you going to be ok? Cuz that is a lot of baggage you are carrying around. Best to put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others.

I can’t believe I’m replying to something that uses “Cuz”

I’ve never been happier I’m just letting the man know what’s coming his way and if he believes me he’ll have a short track to healing.

[Anonymous]

Life is long. People male mistakes. And people on DCUM are often pretty crazy.

Sorry for what you’re going through OP. It is possible to divorce and keep things amicable. It is also possible to heal and change but that requires a lot of work. I hope you find a way out of the mess quickly and for good, whether it means leaving or staying in the marriage.