Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

+1.

I would not encourage a friend to cheat. But there is no way I am giving up a good friendship because they cheated on their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I don’t. There is a double standard. Many men would divorce a cheating wife but have cheated themselves. My DH is one of those. Can’t handle the thought of someone touching me but he has cheated quite a few times.

It was inevitable that this thread would degenerate into “when a woman did something wrong, the man was probably bad too”. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

+1.

I would not encourage a friend to cheat. But there is no way I am giving up a good friendship because they cheated on their spouse.

Someone who betrays the most important relationship in their life simply can’t be trusted as a friend. They are users, they don’t have your back, don’t count on them for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

+1.

I would not encourage a friend to cheat. But there is no way I am giving up a good friendship because they cheated on their spouse.

Someone who betrays the most important relationship in their life simply can’t be trusted as a friend. They are users, they don’t have your back, don’t count on them for anything.

Meh. I would not date someone who cheated on their spouse, but a platonic friendship is a different kind of relationship with different obligations. I am not concerned unless this person used my name in their web of lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

+1.

I would not encourage a friend to cheat. But there is no way I am giving up a good friendship because they cheated on their spouse.

Someone who betrays the most important relationship in their life simply can’t be trusted as a friend. They are users, they don’t have your back, don’t count on them for anything.

I read in a book, that if someone can deceive a person they love for years, imagine what they feel comfortable doing to a mere business associate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

If it doesn’t bother your (non-child) offspring that one if their parents was lying,sneaking around and having sex with someone else before coming hive and pretending to be one big happy family—the kids have been badly damaged by the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

That is what they you. And what kind of friends are these?

Human friends.

People aren’t perfect. There’s cheating and there are also other ways to harm your spouse and do them wrong. For example, lying about finances, becoming overweight, neglecting kids, being overly shallow etc.

+1.

I would not encourage a friend to cheat. But there is no way I am giving up a good friendship because they cheated on their spouse.

If they do that to their spouse and kids, just imagine what they would do to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

If it doesn’t bother your (non-child) offspring that one if their parents was lying,sneaking around and having sex with someone else before coming hive and pretending to be one big happy family—the kids have been badly damaged by the marriage.

Try again, but make this argent for "child" offspring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

Except the other parent has a conflict of interest: often financial, when contemplating striking out on their own.

So are they really the best person on to make an “objective “ decision?

And, can they understand how modeling tolerance of infidelity will impact their children’s future relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I don’t. There is a double standard. Many men would divorce a cheating wife but have cheated themselves. My DH is one of those. Can’t handle the thought of someone touching me but he has cheated quite a few times

Yeah right Mrs Doormat…
And yet you still remain married 🫩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

agree. It's awful, but two of my close friends made a mistake, got themselves into therapy, and worked through it on their own. Both managed to keep it undiscovered (so far, but it'd be very hard for it to come out now at least for one) and they became better spouses through a lot of hard work. One was enduring intense grief after a loss, the other dealing with a rough patch and opportunity landed in her lap. They both feel a great deal of shame and realize what they almost lost.

Shame their husbands aren’t going to get their own chance to decide whether or not they want to continue the marriage under those circumstances. That level of dishonesty is IMO worse than the cheating itself, and much harder to forgive if it ever comes out. I just don’t understand how people can claim to love someone while keeping that kind of secret from them.

You know, I think it’s interesting to assume their DHs haven’t cheated. Life is long and many many people make mistakes. I told my DH if he ever cheated and it didn’t mean anything to him, I wouldn’t want to know. We have kids and have built a great life. I would have to leave. It was not said in an “I give you permission” way, but a “if this happens and I find out you are cooked” way. There’s too much black and white thinking about infidelity in our culture. As I heard someone say, if you have a one night stand once or twice in a 50 year marriage, you’re still pretty good at monogamy. Much better than someone who’s been married and divorced twice.

I get it loyalish is good enough for you and you communicated that sentiment.

I am a bit different, my commitments are kept. If I have to adjust definitions of words or hide things from my wife, the entire commitment would fall apart.

DP. Interesting how you don't mention your commitment to providing your children with a stable home environment.

You can twist and turn words all you want here on DCUM but divorce and dragging children from one house to another is far from ideal for children.

But we all know men are more selfish and self centered in marriages so it will be all about them and not about their children when the wives cheat.

When she cheated, SHE is the one who was selfish and self centered, SHE is the one who broke up the family and SHE is the one who hurt the children.

Oh please. Your children's best interests are not always aligned with leaving. Your children might not care that your spouse cheated. And watch you end up with a girlfriend/ boyfriend_ new spouse who cheated on their own ex...

And no, I am not making excuses for cheaters. I am challenging those of you who feel that because you left a cheat, you are a more principled person with higher self esteem than someone who decides that their children are better off if they stay.

Every situation is different, and if some people choose to stay, it's not necessarily because they don't value commitment/ loyalty as much as you do. They might have assessed commitment to others involved -- CHILDREN-- and decided that leaving is not the right option for them. Respect that instead of coming here rambling about your narrow- minded view of commitment, self-esteem and pride.

Except the other parent has a conflict of interest: often financial, when contemplating striking out on their own.

So are they really the best person on to make an “objective “ decision?

And, can they understand how modeling tolerance of infidelity will impact their children’s future relationships?

All valid points. It's a nuanced decision. And the answer is not necessarily the same in all cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

What does being blonde have to do with it?

As a blonde maie friend of mine who grew up in a family of 8 kids, half of whom were brunette and the other half blonde, said to me -
Blondes experience life differently.

He was not kidding. I had asked him about factionalism in such a large family of kids, was it based on age, seniority, gender? No, it was hair color. The blonde kids experienced life differently than the brunettes and it was a cultural difference for them.

So you conclude that people who happen to be blonde are more likely to have questionable morals and brag about it with their equally questionable friends?

Redheads even more so. Ex wife was banging anyone and everything.

Some of this posters’ depth of analysis floors me.