Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

If you are in year 20 of your marriage and discover that your spouse had a 3 month long affair 10 years earlier, would you say anything?

Do you think it matters if the spouse being cheated on was the wife or husband?

[Anonymous]

I don't see any upside here. Ignore it and it will gnaw at you. Confront and it will obviously upset the apple cart.

How do you KNOW? Are you sure you aren't jumping to a conclusion?

If you raise it, you need to be prepared to be lied to, gaslit or otherwise minimized. Which also won't exactly strengthen your marriage.

Are you sure there weren't others? Are you sure the affair didn't produce any children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any upside here. Ignore it and it will gnaw at you. Confront and it will obviously upset the apple cart.

How do you KNOW? Are you sure you aren't jumping to a conclusion?

If you raise it, you need to be prepared to be lied to, gaslit or otherwise minimized. Which also won't exactly strengthen your marriage.

Are you sure there weren't others? Are you sure the affair didn't produce any children?

I am the OP.

I came home early from work 2 hours early because we lost power at the office. She was on the phone with her best friend. She had buds in. I wasn't eavesdropping. She thought she was in an empty house and was very loud because of the buds. From what I could glean, the best friend had bumped into the AP at DCA and was telling her about it. I heard enough that I knew to question it and how. She eventually admitted it but grew extremely prickly, almost hostile really, with any question I had. She eventually got angry with me over the questions and walked out. It was truly odd, like I was the bad guy.

I don't have any evidence of others but my mind is racing

[Anonymous]

Your wife’s a cheating liar.
An affair now or ten years is still affair and wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any upside here. Ignore it and it will gnaw at you. Confront and it will obviously upset the apple cart.

How do you KNOW? Are you sure you aren't jumping to a conclusion?

If you raise it, you need to be prepared to be lied to, gaslit or otherwise minimized. Which also won't exactly strengthen your marriage.

Are you sure there weren't others? Are you sure the affair didn't produce any children?

I am the OP.

I came home early from work 2 hours early because we lost power at the office. She was on the phone with her best friend. She had buds in. I wasn't eavesdropping. She thought she was in an empty house and was very loud because of the buds. From what I could glean, the best friend had bumped into the AP at DCA and was telling her about it. I heard enough that I knew to question it and how. She eventually admitted it but grew extremely prickly, almost hostile really, with any question I had. She eventually got angry with me over the questions and walked out. It was truly odd, like I was the bad guy.

I don't have any evidence of others but my mind is racing

BTDT. That was the minimization I was talking about. Next she'll downplay what it was, say nothing physical happened, lie about the length of it, and so on. If you press, you'll eventually get trickle truth.

If the guy was at DCA, there's also the possibility that they connected this past week. Any time that wasn't accounted for?

IME, these are rarely one-offs. Either the fling has been on-and-off through the years or there are likely others.

And the fact that she told a FRIEND is also wild. You could ask the friend as well. At least the friend knowing you know will cause them to be a little careless.

I really don't know how to advise you except to keep your powder dry and maybe do some more investigating. Check the cloud to see if text messages are showing up on shared devices, check for hidden messaging apps, check your phone line history if you have any inkling of something currently ongoing or if there is a period in time that you now reflect on as odd. Check to see if there are any burner e-mail accounts; Gmail may still have things from that time. Maybe consider hiring a PI, especially if you are in Virginia and think you might divorce her and there is a huge income difference, as adultery is a crime in VA and can affect alimony and asset division in a divorce.

Should you decide to divorce, I'll tell you the best advice I got: Proceed as if the rest of your financial life is at stake. Because it is. And do your best to preserve your dignity.

[Anonymous]

By the way, that hostile reaction is called DARVO -- Deflect, Accuse, Reverse Victim Offender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the way, that hostile reaction is called DARVO -- Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim Offender.

Sorry, fixed the D in the acronym. It's deny, not deflect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your wife’s a cheating liar.
An affair now or ten years is still affair and wrong.

This. Plus her friends knew and kept the secret/didn’t advise her to tell you. It’s probably not the only time and she did nothing to fix what is wrong with her. Good luck peeling that onion with the desire to stay.

[Anonymous]

Gotta tell you, it’s very doubtful that it was either “only ten years ago” and “only for three months”.

It’s over, consult lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Agreed with others. The only cheaters I know are very much so serial cheaters. There is one the spouse knows about and the others that they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any upside here. Ignore it and it will gnaw at you. Confront and it will obviously upset the apple cart.

How do you KNOW? Are you sure you aren't jumping to a conclusion?

If you raise it, you need to be prepared to be lied to, gaslit or otherwise minimized. Which also won't exactly strengthen your marriage.

Are you sure there weren't others? Are you sure the affair didn't produce any children?

I am the OP.

I came home early from work 2 hours early because we lost power at the office. She was on the phone with her best friend. She had buds in. I wasn't eavesdropping. She thought she was in an empty house and was very loud because of the buds. From what I could glean, the best friend had bumped into the AP at DCA and was telling her about it. I heard enough that I knew to question it and how. She eventually admitted it but grew extremely prickly, almost hostile really, with any question I had. She eventually got angry with me over the questions and walked out. It was truly odd, like I was the bad guy.

I don't have any evidence of others but my mind is racing

She will admit to as little as possible and minimize everything as much as possible.

Telling you it was over 10 years ago is a perfect example of this. Maybe it was, or maybe that is what she thinks you know or that she can get away with admitting.

How does her friend know/remember enough about this guy from ten years ago to recognize him at an airport? How does your wife know him and does she still see him?

[Anonymous]

It's a good natural experiment.

How good or bad has the marriage been before you found out in your eyes?
Does the affair "explain" a lot of resentment, mistreatment, and disconnect in the marriage? Or does she show signs of inner guilt that inspired her to secretly try to make it up to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are in year 20 of your marriage and discover that your spouse had a 3 month long affair 10 years earlier, would you say anything?

Do you think it matters if the spouse being cheated on was the wife or husband?

It doesn’t matter.

You did say something. What’s your question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any upside here. Ignore it and it will gnaw at you. Confront and it will obviously upset the apple cart.

How do you KNOW? Are you sure you aren't jumping to a conclusion?

If you raise it, you need to be prepared to be lied to, gaslit or otherwise minimized. Which also won't exactly strengthen your marriage.

Are you sure there weren't others? Are you sure the affair didn't produce any children?

I am the OP.

I came home early from work 2 hours early because we lost power at the office. She was on the phone with her best friend. She had buds in. I wasn't eavesdropping. She thought she was in an empty house and was very loud because of the buds. From what I could glean, the best friend had bumped into the AP at DCA and was telling her about it. I heard enough that I knew to question it and how. She eventually admitted it but grew extremely prickly, almost hostile really, with any question I had. She eventually got angry with me over the questions and walked out. It was truly odd, like I was the bad guy.

I don't have any evidence of others but my mind is racing

BTDT. That was the minimization I was talking about. Next she'll downplay what it was, say nothing physical happened, lie about the length of it, and so on. If you press, you'll eventually get trickle truth.

If the guy was at DCA, there's also the possibility that they connected this past week. Any time that wasn't accounted for?

IME, these are rarely one-offs. Either the fling has been on-and-off through the years or there are likely others.

And the fact that she told a FRIEND is also wild. You could ask the friend as well. At least the friend knowing you know will cause them to be a little careless.

I really don't know how to advise you except to keep your powder dry and maybe do some more investigating. Check the cloud to see if text messages are showing up on shared devices, check for hidden messaging apps, check your phone line history if you have any inkling of something currently ongoing or if there is a period in time that you now reflect on as odd. Check to see if there are any burner e-mail accounts; Gmail may still have things from that time. Maybe consider hiring a PI, especially if you are in Virginia and think you might divorce her and there is a huge income difference, as adultery is a crime in VA and can affect alimony and asset division in a divorce.

Should you decide to divorce, I'll tell you the best advice I got: Proceed as if the rest of your financial life is at stake. Because it is. And do your best to preserve your dignity.

All of this. Sorry you chose a lying, cheating wh*re. Kick her out and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would've said something (you did) and would likely end things. Cheating is a dealbreaker (but you have to decide what yours are.) Maybe 1 or 2 therapy appointments if it would help.