Do you schedule sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

I don't think I have ever had an orgasm either and I don't really have much sex drive. I am happy to have sex with DH a couple times a week, just like I would be happy to give him a back rub or make him a sandwich, but it makes it hard for me when he's like, "what are you thinking about?" "what do you want to do?" or "what is your fantasy" - that puts too much pressure on me and makes me less likely to want to participate. It's not like I have this kinky fantasy I am just keeping to myself. I would rather he just kind of figure out "what to do," - he knows the positions I am most comfortable with / or I can give BJ, and I not have to be creative or come up with some way to talk dirty to him. I know it is depressing to him to think I am not "turned on" but until the past few generations, women were not expected to be as enthusiastic partners as they are now. Obviously things have gotten much better for women overall, but I do wish there wasn't that expectation that we be as "into" sex as men.

I have orgasms and consider myself moderately high libido, but this drives me crazy too. I don’t watch porn. I don’t think a lot about sex with DH when we aren’t having it.

Part of the problem is the somewhat frequent insistence that "women are just as sexual as men." On average, they just ... aren't. I understand the assertion comes from a good place: women should have the right to just as much sexual agency as men. Culturally, women have been pressured into hiding their sexuality, and that should stop. But I think it's also fair to acknowledge that, by and large, women aren't as horny or preoccupied with sex as men are (on average).

Also women exaggerate the amount of sex they have. 1-2 x a week is really 1-2 a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

I don't think I have ever had an orgasm either and I don't really have much sex drive. I am happy to have sex with DH a couple times a week, just like I would be happy to give him a back rub or make him a sandwich, but it makes it hard for me when he's like, "what are you thinking about?" "what do you want to do?" or "what is your fantasy" - that puts too much pressure on me and makes me less likely to want to participate. It's not like I have this kinky fantasy I am just keeping to myself. I would rather he just kind of figure out "what to do," - he knows the positions I am most comfortable with / or I can give BJ, and I not have to be creative or come up with some way to talk dirty to him. I know it is depressing to him to think I am not "turned on" but until the past few generations, women were not expected to be as enthusiastic partners as they are now. Obviously things have gotten much better for women overall, but I do wish there wasn't that expectation that we be as "into" sex as men.

I have orgasms and consider myself moderately high libido, but this drives me crazy too. I don’t watch porn. I don’t think a lot about sex with DH when we aren’t having it.

Part of the problem is the somewhat frequent insistence that "women are just as sexual as men." On average, they just ... aren't. I understand the assertion comes from a good place: women should have the right to just as much sexual agency as men. Culturally, women have been pressured into hiding their sexuality, and that should stop. But I think it's also fair to acknowledge that, by and large, women aren't as horny or preoccupied with sex as men are (on average).

Also women exaggerate the amount of sex they have. 1-2 x a week is really 1-2 a month.

That’s not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that women shouldn’t start having sex if they aren’t into it in long-term marriages?

I don’t think I ever have a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it until about 20 minutes in, and then I nearly always do.

One thing I will say is that if we are kissing and touching and I’m open to it, but I just can’t get turned on, then we just don’t have sex and DH is okay with that. I think most men are okay with that though. If 2-3 times a week you try to have sex, and it doesn’t work out sometimes, that’s fine. I think the issue is that people aren’t kissing or touching at all, not that they are kissing and just can’t get in the mood.

After years of marriage, 15-20 min is all we need in total. I can't imagine going for an hour.

You can’t imagine it?

Honestly no. He is in his 50s, and if he goes too long, he gets tired and loses his erection. We are both happy with the frequency and the length of every session. Perhaps you can pathologize someone else's sex life?

I’m not trying to pathologize your sex life. But I wouldn’t expect a man to maintain an erection for the entirety of a sexual encounter at any age, and definitely not at 50+. Erections wax and wane. It is very possible to get him hard again after he has spent some time focused on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that women shouldn’t start having sex if they aren’t into it in long-term marriages?

I don’t think I ever have a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it until about 20 minutes in, and then I nearly always do.

One thing I will say is that if we are kissing and touching and I’m open to it, but I just can’t get turned on, then we just don’t have sex and DH is okay with that. I think most men are okay with that though. If 2-3 times a week you try to have sex, and it doesn’t work out sometimes, that’s fine. I think the issue is that people aren’t kissing or touching at all, not that they are kissing and just can’t get in the mood.

After years of marriage, 15-20 min is all we need in total. I can't imagine going for an hour.

You can’t imagine it?

Honestly no. He is in his 50s, and if he goes too long, he gets tired and loses his erection. We are both happy with the frequency and the length of every session. Perhaps you can pathologize someone else's sex life?

I’m not trying to pathologize your sex life. But I wouldn’t expect a man to maintain an erection for the entirety of a sexual encounter at any age, and definitely not at 50+. Erections wax and wane. It is very possible to get him hard again after he has spent some time focused on you.

Like I said, we are happy. No need to further examine what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

I don't think I have ever had an orgasm either and I don't really have much sex drive. I am happy to have sex with DH a couple times a week, just like I would be happy to give him a back rub or make him a sandwich, but it makes it hard for me when he's like, "what are you thinking about?" "what do you want to do?" or "what is your fantasy" - that puts too much pressure on me and makes me less likely to want to participate. It's not like I have this kinky fantasy I am just keeping to myself. I would rather he just kind of figure out "what to do," - he knows the positions I am most comfortable with / or I can give BJ, and I not have to be creative or come up with some way to talk dirty to him. I know it is depressing to him to think I am not "turned on" but until the past few generations, women were not expected to be as enthusiastic partners as they are now. Obviously things have gotten much better for women overall, but I do wish there wasn't that expectation that we be as "into" sex as men.

Have you investigated the reason you have never orgasmed? Orgasms are the reason I have sex. I wouldn’t want to have sex without them and I probably never would have gotten married honestly.

Yes. Normal healthy childhood. Great relationship with parents. No religious baggage. Grew up in a blue state with plenty of healthy sex ed. No abuse or any uncomfortable encounter of any type. I went to a few sex therapists in my 20s and it finally became too stressful and I decided to just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that women shouldn’t start having sex if they aren’t into it in long-term marriages?

I don’t think I ever have a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it until about 20 minutes in, and then I nearly always do.

One thing I will say is that if we are kissing and touching and I’m open to it, but I just can’t get turned on, then we just don’t have sex and DH is okay with that. I think most men are okay with that though. If 2-3 times a week you try to have sex, and it doesn’t work out sometimes, that’s fine. I think the issue is that people aren’t kissing or touching at all, not that they are kissing and just can’t get in the mood.

After years of marriage, 15-20 min is all we need in total. I can't imagine going for an hour.

You can’t imagine it?

Honestly no. He is in his 50s, and if he goes too long, he gets tired and loses his erection. We are both happy with the frequency and the length of every session. Perhaps you can pathologize someone else's sex life?

I’m not trying to pathologize your sex life. But I wouldn’t expect a man to maintain an erection for the entirety of a sexual encounter at any age, and definitely not at 50+. Erections wax and wane. It is very possible to get him hard again after he has spent some time focused on you.

Like I said, we are happy. No need to further examine what we do.

Okay. You were the one who brought up that having sex for more than 20 minutes is beyond the limits of your imagination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like having sex when you don't want to just disconnects yourself from your own body and ultimately leads to feelings of unconscious resentment towards your DH and a sense of subtle betrayal towards yourself. Sex is supposed to be mutually and equally pleasurable for both partners, otherwise it's just someone using your body to masturbate with.

I'm seeing a lot of advice to just "give in" and have sex that doesn't seem pleasurable or even good "for your husband", but what is he doing for YOU to make you WANT to have sex with him? Does he spend an adequate amount of time doing things that are pleasurable to you, whether it's toys or oral or massage, so your body is enthusiastically ready for intercourse? Are you physically exhausted from your daily schedule, and need him to help take things off your plate so you can be relaxed and ready? Do you still find him physically attractive, or has he slipped with his hygiene and grooming? Does he make you feel emotionally safe enough to relax into an enjoyable sexual experience with him?

I only believe in having sex with enthusiastic consent, where you're absolutely excited to be with him. But you can't reach that state with a partner that isn't looking out for your physical needs. Society pressures women to disconnect from our own sex drives and just "go along to get along", but that ultimately cheats both parties out of feeling truly desired by their partner. I would examine why you don't feel like engaging in sex in the first place, otherwise you're just papering over the problem by scheduling tepid, joyless sex.

I guess it is a bit different but I am the higher libido partner and I have sex whenever DH wants it even if I am not remotely in the mood because I know that I’ll get in the mood during the act.

As a woman I find that the best way to get in the mood for sex is to start having sex. I don’t know if it’s that way for other women, I know I have a high libido but even then it waxes and wanes with my cycle. I just know how to get myself revved up pretty quickly.

I sort of don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t make time a couple of times a week to have a good orgasm with the person they married. I don’t get it at all. Even when I was on the verge of divorcing my husband I had sex with him whenever.

Because some men are authentically bad in bed, so it doesn’t necessarily matter if you want to come. And for a lot of women, the relationship issues mean that sex feels unsafe emotionally (especially if there has been any physical violence). I enjoyed s*x with my ex even during the newborn stage until he started getting unhinged and borderline violent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

I don't think I have ever had an orgasm either and I don't really have much sex drive. I am happy to have sex with DH a couple times a week, just like I would be happy to give him a back rub or make him a sandwich, but it makes it hard for me when he's like, "what are you thinking about?" "what do you want to do?" or "what is your fantasy" - that puts too much pressure on me and makes me less likely to want to participate. It's not like I have this kinky fantasy I am just keeping to myself. I would rather he just kind of figure out "what to do," - he knows the positions I am most comfortable with / or I can give BJ, and I not have to be creative or come up with some way to talk dirty to him. I know it is depressing to him to think I am not "turned on" but until the past few generations, women were not expected to be as enthusiastic partners as they are now. Obviously things have gotten much better for women overall, but I do wish there wasn't that expectation that we be as "into" sex as men.

Are you on BC or an SSRI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that women shouldn’t start having sex if they aren’t into it in long-term marriages?

I don’t think I ever have a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it until about 20 minutes in, and then I nearly always do.

One thing I will say is that if we are kissing and touching and I’m open to it, but I just can’t get turned on, then we just don’t have sex and DH is okay with that. I think most men are okay with that though. If 2-3 times a week you try to have sex, and it doesn’t work out sometimes, that’s fine. I think the issue is that people aren’t kissing or touching at all, not that they are kissing and just can’t get in the mood.

After years of marriage, 15-20 min is all we need in total. I can't imagine going for an hour.

You can’t imagine it?

Honestly no. He is in his 50s, and if he goes too long, he gets tired and loses his erection. We are both happy with the frequency and the length of every session. Perhaps you can pathologize someone else's sex life?

I’m not trying to pathologize your sex life. But I wouldn’t expect a man to maintain an erection for the entirety of a sexual encounter at any age, and definitely not at 50+. Erections wax and wane. It is very possible to get him hard again after he has spent some time focused on you.

Like I said, we are happy. No need to further examine what we do.

Okay. You were the one who brought up that having sex for more than 20 minutes is beyond the limits of your imagination.

And?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

I don't think I have ever had an orgasm either and I don't really have much sex drive. I am happy to have sex with DH a couple times a week, just like I would be happy to give him a back rub or make him a sandwich, but it makes it hard for me when he's like, "what are you thinking about?" "what do you want to do?" or "what is your fantasy" - that puts too much pressure on me and makes me less likely to want to participate. It's not like I have this kinky fantasy I am just keeping to myself. I would rather he just kind of figure out "what to do," - he knows the positions I am most comfortable with / or I can give BJ, and I not have to be creative or come up with some way to talk dirty to him. I know it is depressing to him to think I am not "turned on" but until the past few generations, women were not expected to be as enthusiastic partners as they are now. Obviously things have gotten much better for women overall, but I do wish there wasn't that expectation that we be as "into" sex as men.

I have orgasms and consider myself moderately high libido, but this drives me crazy too. I don’t watch porn. I don’t think a lot about sex with DH when we aren’t having it.

Part of the problem is the somewhat frequent insistence that "women are just as sexual as men." On average, they just ... aren't. I understand the assertion comes from a good place: women should have the right to just as much sexual agency as men. Culturally, women have been pressured into hiding their sexuality, and that should stop. But I think it's also fair to acknowledge that, by and large, women aren't as horny or preoccupied with sex as men are (on average).

This may be true but if women could reliably orgasm with hetero partners it would be a different story. The orgasm gap is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

I don't think I have ever had an orgasm either and I don't really have much sex drive. I am happy to have sex with DH a couple times a week, just like I would be happy to give him a back rub or make him a sandwich, but it makes it hard for me when he's like, "what are you thinking about?" "what do you want to do?" or "what is your fantasy" - that puts too much pressure on me and makes me less likely to want to participate. It's not like I have this kinky fantasy I am just keeping to myself. I would rather he just kind of figure out "what to do," - he knows the positions I am most comfortable with / or I can give BJ, and I not have to be creative or come up with some way to talk dirty to him. I know it is depressing to him to think I am not "turned on" but until the past few generations, women were not expected to be as enthusiastic partners as they are now. Obviously things have gotten much better for women overall, but I do wish there wasn't that expectation that we be as "into" sex as men.

I have orgasms and consider myself moderately high libido, but this drives me crazy too. I don’t watch porn. I don’t think a lot about sex with DH when we aren’t having it.

Part of the problem is the somewhat frequent insistence that "women are just as sexual as men." On average, they just ... aren't. I understand the assertion comes from a good place: women should have the right to just as much sexual agency as men. Culturally, women have been pressured into hiding their sexuality, and that should stop. But I think it's also fair to acknowledge that, by and large, women aren't as horny or preoccupied with sex as men are (on average).

That’s a really good point.

It is. but I would argue - denying that women may really enjoy sex but at a lower frequency IS also hiding their sexuality. I love s*x but want to have it once a week with a partner. Not three times. but this seems taboo to say - I like sex a lot, but not 5x/week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that women shouldn’t start having sex if they aren’t into it in long-term marriages?

I don’t think I ever have a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it until about 20 minutes in, and then I nearly always do.

One thing I will say is that if we are kissing and touching and I’m open to it, but I just can’t get turned on, then we just don’t have sex and DH is okay with that. I think most men are okay with that though. If 2-3 times a week you try to have sex, and it doesn’t work out sometimes, that’s fine. I think the issue is that people aren’t kissing or touching at all, not that they are kissing and just can’t get in the mood.

I think the thing that probably did the most damage to our intimacy was my husband a few times getting frustrated/ upset that I never did get in the mood and eventually wanted to stop, primarily when our kids were very little and I was completely exhausted. He also got annoyed if i “wasn’t into it” enough. It basically made me only want to give it a try if I was pretty sure I would be able to make him happy. I expressed all this and I think he understands but it’s been really hard to get back to how I felt before a few pretty crappy interactions.

Trying not to get too explicit here, but venturing into a little light domination may be one idea. Meaning - his job is to service you and his pleasure does not matter. Just a thought 😈

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that women shouldn’t start having sex if they aren’t into it in long-term marriages?

I don’t think I ever have a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it until about 20 minutes in, and then I nearly always do.

One thing I will say is that if we are kissing and touching and I’m open to it, but I just can’t get turned on, then we just don’t have sex and DH is okay with that. I think most men are okay with that though. If 2-3 times a week you try to have sex, and it doesn’t work out sometimes, that’s fine. I think the issue is that people aren’t kissing or touching at all, not that they are kissing and just can’t get in the mood.

After years of marriage, 15-20 min is all we need in total. I can't imagine going for an hour.

You can’t imagine it?

Honestly no. He is in his 50s, and if he goes too long, he gets tired and loses his erection. We are both happy with the frequency and the length of every session. Perhaps you can pathologize someone else's sex life?

I’m not trying to pathologize your sex life. But I wouldn’t expect a man to maintain an erection for the entirety of a sexual encounter at any age, and definitely not at 50+. Erections wax and wane. It is very possible to get him hard again after he has spent some time focused on you.

Like I said, we are happy. No need to further examine what we do.

It’s not about what you do. It just seems like such a mundane thing to not even be able to imagine.

I get not being able to imagine having an orgy or role-playing some kind of dominatrix set-up. But you can’t even imagine having the same kind of sex you are having for 2-3 times as long? Or to imagine your husband losing his erection and getting it back again a few minutes later? This just seems like such a huge failure of imagination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll.

You are. Now go back under your bridge, Karen.

STFU Shaniqua.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that women shouldn’t start having sex if they aren’t into it in long-term marriages?

I don’t think I ever have a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it until about 20 minutes in, and then I nearly always do.

One thing I will say is that if we are kissing and touching and I’m open to it, but I just can’t get turned on, then we just don’t have sex and DH is okay with that. I think most men are okay with that though. If 2-3 times a week you try to have sex, and it doesn’t work out sometimes, that’s fine. I think the issue is that people aren’t kissing or touching at all, not that they are kissing and just can’t get in the mood.

After years of marriage, 15-20 min is all we need in total. I can't imagine going for an hour.

You can’t imagine it?

Honestly no. He is in his 50s, and if he goes too long, he gets tired and loses his erection. We are both happy with the frequency and the length of every session. Perhaps you can pathologize someone else's sex life?

I’m not trying to pathologize your sex life. But I wouldn’t expect a man to maintain an erection for the entirety of a sexual encounter at any age, and definitely not at 50+. Erections wax and wane. It is very possible to get him hard again after he has spent some time focused on you.

Like I said, we are happy. No need to further examine what we do.

Okay. You were the one who brought up that having sex for more than 20 minutes is beyond the limits of your imagination.

And?

DP. I don’t know what that poster is on about. I’d say it’s almost a joke that long term couples know how to be efficient about it. I was even at a comedy show once and he polled the audience to make that point. This is a thread about longer term couples (who else is scheduling things?) so I don’t think your reaction was unusual.