Do you schedule sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

Np. I don’t have an answer. But if basic intimacy means intercourse, then count yourself blessed. Many don’t even have that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

Np. I don’t have an answer. But if basic intimacy means intercourse, then count yourself blessed. Many don’t even have that

[Anonymous]

Teach your husband to jerk off.

[Anonymous]

We work different shifts so we definitely schedule it. If I'm coming home at 11 pm I'll tell him to either stay up or ill wake him. If he's working from home on a day the kids are gone we both know it's going down on his lunch hour.

[Anonymous]

I feel like having sex when you don't want to just disconnects yourself from your own body and ultimately leads to feelings of unconscious resentment towards your DH and a sense of subtle betrayal towards yourself. Sex is supposed to be mutually and equally pleasurable for both partners, otherwise it's just someone using your body to masturbate with.

I'm seeing a lot of advice to just "give in" and have sex that doesn't seem pleasurable or even good "for your husband", but what is he doing for YOU to make you WANT to have sex with him? Does he spend an adequate amount of time doing things that are pleasurable to you, whether it's toys or oral or massage, so your body is enthusiastically ready for intercourse? Are you physically exhausted from your daily schedule, and need him to help take things off your plate so you can be relaxed and ready? Do you still find him physically attractive, or has he slipped with his hygiene and grooming? Does he make you feel emotionally safe enough to relax into an enjoyable sexual experience with him?

I only believe in having sex with enthusiastic consent, where you're absolutely excited to be with him. But you can't reach that state with a partner that isn't looking out for your physical needs. Society pressures women to disconnect from our own sex drives and just "go along to get along", but that ultimately cheats both parties out of feeling truly desired by their partner. I would examine why you don't feel like engaging in sex in the first place, otherwise you're just papering over the problem by scheduling tepid, joyless sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

There is a sex educator on Instagram called Bde.moves that has amazing advice on how to help mixed libido couples close the gap! She's a woman that mainly works with lesbian couples, but the advice is applicable to anyone who has sex with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

Incorporate into your marriage: a vibrator.

Women respond differently to self-induced orgasms than men: when women do it, it makes them more interested in intimacy with their husbands. When men do you-know-what, it decreases their interest in partnered intimacy.

Encourage her to incorporate the vibrator in coupled-intimacy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like having sex when you don't want to just disconnects yourself from your own body and ultimately leads to feelings of unconscious resentment towards your DH and a sense of subtle betrayal towards yourself. Sex is supposed to be mutually and equally pleasurable for both partners, otherwise it's just someone using your body to masturbate with.

I'm seeing a lot of advice to just "give in" and have sex that doesn't seem pleasurable or even good "for your husband", but what is he doing for YOU to make you WANT to have sex with him? Does he spend an adequate amount of time doing things that are pleasurable to you, whether it's toys or oral or massage, so your body is enthusiastically ready for intercourse? Are you physically exhausted from your daily schedule, and need him to help take things off your plate so you can be relaxed and ready? Do you still find him physically attractive, or has he slipped with his hygiene and grooming? Does he make you feel emotionally safe enough to relax into an enjoyable sexual experience with him?

I only believe in having sex with enthusiastic consent, where you're absolutely excited to be with him. But you can't reach that state with a partner that isn't looking out for your physical needs. Society pressures women to disconnect from our own sex drives and just "go along to get along", but that ultimately cheats both parties out of feeling truly desired by their partner. I would examine why you don't feel like engaging in sex in the first place, otherwise you're just papering over the problem by scheduling tepid, joyless sex.

ITA - the issue is not scheduling in and of itself. Scheduling can be great if you look forward to it and it helps you get in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Loving couples make an effort to meet each other’s reasonable needs. If I only had sex when I had a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it, it would happen 1-2 times a month at best. That’s frequency doesn’t work for my spouse (who is neither lousy in bed nor a lousy spouse more generally) so because I love him and want to make him happy, I make sure it happens twice a week and I take some responsibility for getting myself into a space where I will enjoy it. Sometimes this means I “retire” after dinner to have a glass of wine and a long shower and transition out of mom mode while DH handles kitchen cleanup and any kid needs. Sometimes I ask him to plan a fun night out where I can wear something a little saucy. And fortunately my DH doesn’t have the attitude I see often from men like “hurr durr why should I have to seduce my own wife.” Because when both people work together to meet each other where we are, we both win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Loving couples make an effort to meet each other’s reasonable needs. If I only had sex when I had a genuine and enthusiastic burning desire for it, it would happen 1-2 times a month at best. That’s frequency doesn’t work for my spouse (who is neither lousy in bed nor a lousy spouse more generally) so because I love him and want to make him happy, I make sure it happens twice a week and I take some responsibility for getting myself into a space where I will enjoy it. Sometimes this means I “retire” after dinner to have a glass of wine and a long shower and transition out of mom mode while DH handles kitchen cleanup and any kid needs. Sometimes I ask him to plan a fun night out where I can wear something a little saucy. And fortunately my DH doesn’t have the attitude I see often from men like “hurr durr why should I have to seduce my own wife.” Because when both people work together to meet each other where we are, we both win.

I'm a woman and couldn't agree more with everything you said. It really is about caring for each other's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like having sex when you don't want to just disconnects yourself from your own body and ultimately leads to feelings of unconscious resentment towards your DH and a sense of subtle betrayal towards yourself. Sex is supposed to be mutually and equally pleasurable for both partners, otherwise it's just someone using your body to masturbate with.

I'm seeing a lot of advice to just "give in" and have sex that doesn't seem pleasurable or even good "for your husband", but what is he doing for YOU to make you WANT to have sex with him? Does he spend an adequate amount of time doing things that are pleasurable to you, whether it's toys or oral or massage, so your body is enthusiastically ready for intercourse? Are you physically exhausted from your daily schedule, and need him to help take things off your plate so you can be relaxed and ready? Do you still find him physically attractive, or has he slipped with his hygiene and grooming? Does he make you feel emotionally safe enough to relax into an enjoyable sexual experience with him?

I only believe in having sex with enthusiastic consent, where you're absolutely excited to be with him. But you can't reach that state with a partner that isn't looking out for your physical needs. Society pressures women to disconnect from our own sex drives and just "go along to get along", but that ultimately cheats both parties out of feeling truly desired by their partner. I would examine why you don't feel like engaging in sex in the first place, otherwise you're just papering over the problem by scheduling tepid, joyless sex.

Stop making it so complicated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like having sex when you don't want to just disconnects yourself from your own body and ultimately leads to feelings of unconscious resentment towards your DH and a sense of subtle betrayal towards yourself. Sex is supposed to be mutually and equally pleasurable for both partners, otherwise it's just someone using your body to masturbate with.

I'm seeing a lot of advice to just "give in" and have sex that doesn't seem pleasurable or even good "for your husband", but what is he doing for YOU to make you WANT to have sex with him? Does he spend an adequate amount of time doing things that are pleasurable to you, whether it's toys or oral or massage, so your body is enthusiastically ready for intercourse? Are you physically exhausted from your daily schedule, and need him to help take things off your plate so you can be relaxed and ready? Do you still find him physically attractive, or has he slipped with his hygiene and grooming? Does he make you feel emotionally safe enough to relax into an enjoyable sexual experience with him?

I only believe in having sex with enthusiastic consent, where you're absolutely excited to be with him. But you can't reach that state with a partner that isn't looking out for your physical needs. Society pressures women to disconnect from our own sex drives and just "go along to get along", but that ultimately cheats both parties out of feeling truly desired by their partner. I would examine why you don't feel like engaging in sex in the first place, otherwise you're just papering over the problem by scheduling tepid, joyless sex.

Stop making it so complicated

What was complicated about that? if you want it with minimal effort on your part, there is your hand.

[Anonymous]

LOL no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like having sex when you don't want to just disconnects yourself from your own body and ultimately leads to feelings of unconscious resentment towards your DH and a sense of subtle betrayal towards yourself. Sex is supposed to be mutually and equally pleasurable for both partners, otherwise it's just someone using your body to masturbate with.

I'm seeing a lot of advice to just "give in" and have sex that doesn't seem pleasurable or even good "for your husband", but what is he doing for YOU to make you WANT to have sex with him? Does he spend an adequate amount of time doing things that are pleasurable to you, whether it's toys or oral or massage, so your body is enthusiastically ready for intercourse? Are you physically exhausted from your daily schedule, and need him to help take things off your plate so you can be relaxed and ready? Do you still find him physically attractive, or has he slipped with his hygiene and grooming? Does he make you feel emotionally safe enough to relax into an enjoyable sexual experience with him?

I only believe in having sex with enthusiastic consent, where you're absolutely excited to be with him. But you can't reach that state with a partner that isn't looking out for your physical needs. Society pressures women to disconnect from our own sex drives and just "go along to get along", but that ultimately cheats both parties out of feeling truly desired by their partner. I would examine why you don't feel like engaging in sex in the first place, otherwise you're just papering over the problem by scheduling tepid, joyless sex.

Stop making it so complicated

What was complicated about that? if you want it with minimal effort on your part, there is your hand.

As with most things, there is a spectrum. If a guy is completely ignoring the relationship until its time for him to show up and use his wife's body, then to hell with him. But then there are guys who are willing to make every sexual encounter an event if she'd just tell him what she wants. They're good husbands who are honestly into their wives and don't just sit on the couch when the household needs tending to. But, even so, their wife isn't spontaneously in the mood and it's kind of unfair to tell them to just put up with it because, for reasons unrelated to him, their wives aren't spontaneously wanting sex.

In that case, it's not unreasonable to suggest to the wife that if they put sex on the calendar, maybe she'll get turned on if they just get things started. (And if she doesn't, she shouldn't force her way through it. She should start looking into other strategies for becoming sexually interested.) Most long-term couples are somewhere in the middle of these extremes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like having sex when you don't want to just disconnects yourself from your own body and ultimately leads to feelings of unconscious resentment towards your DH and a sense of subtle betrayal towards yourself. Sex is supposed to be mutually and equally pleasurable for both partners, otherwise it's just someone using your body to masturbate with.

I'm seeing a lot of advice to just "give in" and have sex that doesn't seem pleasurable or even good "for your husband", but what is he doing for YOU to make you WANT to have sex with him? Does he spend an adequate amount of time doing things that are pleasurable to you, whether it's toys or oral or massage, so your body is enthusiastically ready for intercourse? Are you physically exhausted from your daily schedule, and need him to help take things off your plate so you can be relaxed and ready? Do you still find him physically attractive, or has he slipped with his hygiene and grooming? Does he make you feel emotionally safe enough to relax into an enjoyable sexual experience with him?

I only believe in having sex with enthusiastic consent, where you're absolutely excited to be with him. But you can't reach that state with a partner that isn't looking out for your physical needs. Society pressures women to disconnect from our own sex drives and just "go along to get along", but that ultimately cheats both parties out of feeling truly desired by their partner. I would examine why you don't feel like engaging in sex in the first place, otherwise you're just papering over the problem by scheduling tepid, joyless sex.

Stop making it so complicated

What was complicated about that? if you want it with minimal effort on your part, there is your hand.

As with most things, there is a spectrum. If a guy is completely ignoring the relationship until its time for him to show up and use his wife's body, then to hell with him. But then there are guys who are willing to make every sexual encounter an event if she'd just tell him what she wants. They're good husbands who are honestly into their wives and don't just sit on the couch when the household needs tending to. But, even so, their wife isn't spontaneously in the mood and it's kind of unfair to tell them to just put up with it because, for reasons unrelated to him, their wives aren't spontaneously wanting sex.

In that case, it's not unreasonable to suggest to the wife that if they put sex on the calendar, maybe she'll get turned on if they just get things started. (And if she doesn't, she shouldn't force her way through it. She should start looking into other strategies for becoming sexually interested.) Most long-term couples are somewhere in the middle of these extremes.

+1

Every time this comes up here people want to pretend like if a husband was great in bed and an equal partner on the home front, his wife would be all over him, and if his wife is disinterested it must be because he’s a useless manbaby who is terrible in bed. Rarely is it that simple. Sometimes it’s just hormones and life stages that create the libido gap.

Regular sex is a pretty normal and healthy expectation within a marriage so if one spouse is never in the mood it’s their job to identify what they need to get there and it’s their partner’s job to work with them to make it happen. Applies to any gender.