Do you schedule sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not we have sex comes down to me (my husband ALWAYS wants sex), so if it’s been more than 3-4 days I will tell myself that we’ll have sex that evening or whatever.

I know this practice might seem archaic or antifeminist or something, but so much about my life and married life in general are just anti-erotic and I can’t just wait to be in the mood - I am rarely truly in the mood. I have sex with my husband because it’s important to him and it makes our connection stronger.

He’s good in bed and cares about my pleasure, so it’s not like he’s using me, but usually I would rather lay around like a slug than have sex so generally I am doing it for him. I usually end up enjoying myself (or at least get off lol).

If the lower libido partner (which can be either if you read these boards) can’t track and stay aware of how long it’s been then they’re the problem. I think many of those partners are unaware, sex hasn’t crossed their mind, and then they are caught off guard and defensive when the other partners frustration grows.

No one decent expects sex when someone else is sick/etc. And if the lower libido partner doesn’t like a schedule then it’s fine to initiate regularly enough that the schedule isn’t necessary. What’s not fine is unilaterally shutting down sex then being surprised at the long term effects on the relationship.

Well I’ll turn the tables. “Low” libido does not mean “no libido.” It usually just means “lower than mine.” But it is still someone’s authentic and valid sex drive. so no, it is not all about the “low libido” partner tracking the days to be sure to service their “high libido” partner adequately. the “high libido” also needs to respect, value and understand the “low libido” partner’s sexuality. so yes, that means he also needs to do some counting: “she likes to have sex about once a week so I can take care of myself in between so she really enjoys herself later on.”

The most satisfying sexual phase of my life was probably the era in which we scheduled sex for Saturday afternoons while the kid napped. It turned out that weekly sex was really enjoyable for me - I saved up my drive and had 2-3 orgasms and took a nice nap. Bliss.

No. I’ve had periods in my marriage, where we’ve been well matched (most of our marriage), where I’ve been the low libido partner (baby/breastfeeding years), and where DH has been (now in our 50s). When I was the low libido one, I tried to make time even when I wasn’t in the mood, and was happy to give him freebies. Now that it’s me, he thinks if he’s happy everyone everyone’s happy. Compromise to me does not mean I should take care of myself every time he’s not in the mood. I want to have sex with my husband much more often than I am. Period. Believe me, I’ve tried workarounds, and there aren’t any. It’s very difficult to not be resentful. The first poster is right, and the attitude of the second poster will always leave the higher libido partner disappointed if the lower libido one thinks well, it’s their job to compromise and accept me as I am. In most cases when you’re not getting something you need from your partner, you can seek it elsewhere. Sex is different unless you are a cheater, which I am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not we have sex comes down to me (my husband ALWAYS wants sex), so if it’s been more than 3-4 days I will tell myself that we’ll have sex that evening or whatever.

I know this practice might seem archaic or antifeminist or something, but so much about my life and married life in general are just anti-erotic and I can’t just wait to be in the mood - I am rarely truly in the mood. I have sex with my husband because it’s important to him and it makes our connection stronger.

He’s good in bed and cares about my pleasure, so it’s not like he’s using me, but usually I would rather lay around like a slug than have sex so generally I am doing it for him. I usually end up enjoying myself (or at least get off lol).

It is really a shame all the high libido people can’t end up together, and all the low libido people together. I thought DH was high libido when we were dating, like me. Honestly, I don’t even know there was a term for it, I just knew we had sex every night and I loved it, and I assumed it would continue in our marriage. I don’t know if he’s declined with age, or maybe the newness wore off, but it’s a huge disappointment in my marriage. Your husband sounds like a dream to someone like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not we have sex comes down to me (my husband ALWAYS wants sex), so if it’s been more than 3-4 days I will tell myself that we’ll have sex that evening or whatever.

I know this practice might seem archaic or antifeminist or something, but so much about my life and married life in general are just anti-erotic and I can’t just wait to be in the mood - I am rarely truly in the mood. I have sex with my husband because it’s important to him and it makes our connection stronger.

He’s good in bed and cares about my pleasure, so it’s not like he’s using me, but usually I would rather lay around like a slug than have sex so generally I am doing it for him. I usually end up enjoying myself (or at least get off lol).

If the lower libido partner (which can be either if you read these boards) can’t track and stay aware of how long it’s been then they’re the problem. I think many of those partners are unaware, sex hasn’t crossed their mind, and then they are caught off guard and defensive when the other partners frustration grows.

No one decent expects sex when someone else is sick/etc. And if the lower libido partner doesn’t like a schedule then it’s fine to initiate regularly enough that the schedule isn’t necessary. What’s not fine is unilaterally shutting down sex then being surprised at the long term effects on the relationship.

Well I’ll turn the tables. “Low” libido does not mean “no libido.” It usually just means “lower than mine.” But it is still someone’s authentic and valid sex drive. so no, it is not all about the “low libido” partner tracking the days to be sure to service their “high libido” partner adequately. the “high libido” also needs to respect, value and understand the “low libido” partner’s sexuality. so yes, that means he also needs to do some counting: “she likes to have sex about once a week so I can take care of myself in between so she really enjoys herself later on.”

The most satisfying sexual phase of my life was probably the era in which we scheduled sex for Saturday afternoons while the kid napped. It turned out that weekly sex was really enjoyable for me - I saved up my drive and had 2-3 orgasms and took a nice nap. Bliss.

No. I’ve had periods in my marriage, where we’ve been well matched (most of our marriage), where I’ve been the low libido partner (baby/breastfeeding years), and where DH has been (now in our 50s). When I was the low libido one, I tried to make time even when I wasn’t in the mood, and was happy to give him freebies. Now that it’s me, he thinks if he’s happy everyone everyone’s happy. Compromise to me does not mean I should take care of myself every time he’s not in the mood. I want to have sex with my husband much more often than I am. Period. Believe me, I’ve tried workarounds, and there aren’t any. It’s very difficult to not be resentful. The first poster is right, and the attitude of the second poster will always leave the higher libido partner disappointed if the lower libido one thinks well, it’s their job to compromise and accept me as I am. In most cases when you’re not getting something you need from your partner, you can seek it elsewhere. Sex is different unless you are a cheater, which I am not.

Why does only the higher libido’s disappointment matter? That’s my point. maybe if you had not catered to him and given him “freebies” (and please interrogate the “freebie” concept) you would feel less resentful now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not we have sex comes down to me (my husband ALWAYS wants sex), so if it’s been more than 3-4 days I will tell myself that we’ll have sex that evening or whatever.

I know this practice might seem archaic or antifeminist or something, but so much about my life and married life in general are just anti-erotic and I can’t just wait to be in the mood - I am rarely truly in the mood. I have sex with my husband because it’s important to him and it makes our connection stronger.

He’s good in bed and cares about my pleasure, so it’s not like he’s using me, but usually I would rather lay around like a slug than have sex so generally I am doing it for him. I usually end up enjoying myself (or at least get off lol).

If the lower libido partner (which can be either if you read these boards) can’t track and stay aware of how long it’s been then they’re the problem. I think many of those partners are unaware, sex hasn’t crossed their mind, and then they are caught off guard and defensive when the other partners frustration grows.

No one decent expects sex when someone else is sick/etc. And if the lower libido partner doesn’t like a schedule then it’s fine to initiate regularly enough that the schedule isn’t necessary. What’s not fine is unilaterally shutting down sex then being surprised at the long term effects on the relationship.

Well I’ll turn the tables. “Low” libido does not mean “no libido.” It usually just means “lower than mine.” But it is still someone’s authentic and valid sex drive. so no, it is not all about the “low libido” partner tracking the days to be sure to service their “high libido” partner adequately. the “high libido” also needs to respect, value and understand the “low libido” partner’s sexuality. so yes, that means he also needs to do some counting: “she likes to have sex about once a week so I can take care of myself in between so she really enjoys herself later on.”

The most satisfying sexual phase of my life was probably the era in which we scheduled sex for Saturday afternoons while the kid napped. It turned out that weekly sex was really enjoyable for me - I saved up my drive and had 2-3 orgasms and took a nice nap. Bliss.

No. I’ve had periods in my marriage, where we’ve been well matched (most of our marriage), where I’ve been the low libido partner (baby/breastfeeding years), and where DH has been (now in our 50s). When I was the low libido one, I tried to make time even when I wasn’t in the mood, and was happy to give him freebies. Now that it’s me, he thinks if he’s happy everyone everyone’s happy. Compromise to me does not mean I should take care of myself every time he’s not in the mood. I want to have sex with my husband much more often than I am. Period. Believe me, I’ve tried workarounds, and there aren’t any. It’s very difficult to not be resentful. The first poster is right, and the attitude of the second poster will always leave the higher libido partner disappointed if the lower libido one thinks well, it’s their job to compromise and accept me as I am. In most cases when you’re not getting something you need from your partner, you can seek it elsewhere. Sex is different unless you are a cheater, which I am not.

Why does only the higher libido’s disappointment matter? That’s my point. maybe if you had not catered to him and given him “freebies” (and please interrogate the “freebie” concept) you would feel less resentful now.

You have obviously never been a low libido partner. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a true need, not a want. Trust me, I have tried to be content without it. It’s just not possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whether or not we have sex comes down to me (my husband ALWAYS wants sex), so if it’s been more than 3-4 days I will tell myself that we’ll have sex that evening or whatever.

I know this practice might seem archaic or antifeminist or something, but so much about my life and married life in general are just anti-erotic and I can’t just wait to be in the mood - I am rarely truly in the mood. I have sex with my husband because it’s important to him and it makes our connection stronger.

He’s good in bed and cares about my pleasure, so it’s not like he’s using me, but usually I would rather lay around like a slug than have sex so generally I am doing it for him. I usually end up enjoying myself (or at least get off lol).

If the lower libido partner (which can be either if you read these boards) can’t track and stay aware of how long it’s been then they’re the problem. I think many of those partners are unaware, sex hasn’t crossed their mind, and then they are caught off guard and defensive when the other partners frustration grows.

No one decent expects sex when someone else is sick/etc. And if the lower libido partner doesn’t like a schedule then it’s fine to initiate regularly enough that the schedule isn’t necessary. What’s not fine is unilaterally shutting down sex then being surprised at the long term effects on the relationship.

Well I’ll turn the tables. “Low” libido does not mean “no libido.” It usually just means “lower than mine.” But it is still someone’s authentic and valid sex drive. so no, it is not all about the “low libido” partner tracking the days to be sure to service their “high libido” partner adequately. the “high libido” also needs to respect, value and understand the “low libido” partner’s sexuality. so yes, that means he also needs to do some counting: “she likes to have sex about once a week so I can take care of myself in between so she really enjoys herself later on.”

The most satisfying sexual phase of my life was probably the era in which we scheduled sex for Saturday afternoons while the kid napped. It turned out that weekly sex was really enjoyable for me - I saved up my drive and had 2-3 orgasms and took a nice nap. Bliss.

No. I’ve had periods in my marriage, where we’ve been well matched (most of our marriage), where I’ve been the low libido partner (baby/breastfeeding years), and where DH has been (now in our 50s). When I was the low libido one, I tried to make time even when I wasn’t in the mood, and was happy to give him freebies. Now that it’s me, he thinks if he’s happy everyone everyone’s happy. Compromise to me does not mean I should take care of myself every time he’s not in the mood. I want to have sex with my husband much more often than I am. Period. Believe me, I’ve tried workarounds, and there aren’t any. It’s very difficult to not be resentful. The first poster is right, and the attitude of the second poster will always leave the higher libido partner disappointed if the lower libido one thinks well, it’s their job to compromise and accept me as I am. In most cases when you’re not getting something you need from your partner, you can seek it elsewhere. Sex is different unless you are a cheater, which I am not.

Why does only the higher libido’s disappointment matter? That’s my point. maybe if you had not catered to him and given him “freebies” (and please interrogate the “freebie” concept) you would feel less resentful now.

You have obviously never been a low libido partner. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a true need, not a want. Trust me, I have tried to be content without it. It’s just not possible.

And why does your “true need” mean that your partner’s sexuality does not also constitute a “true need”? That’s the problem with you people - your own sexual preference overrides everything else.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman, early 40s, married 15ish years, kids are tweens.

We’ve never officially scheduled it, but I do kind of schedule it in my mind and make sure it happens at least 2x per week. Truthfully I don’t have much of a libido anymore, but it helps that my H is a good lover and a good partner. He’d have it every day if it were up to him; 2x per week seems to be the sweet spot where it doesn’t feel too burdensome to me and also doesn’t leave him feeling deprived and disconnected. I believe marriage means that you sometimes do things with and for your spouse as an act of love and not necessarily because you have a deep desire to do them.

[Anonymous]

We sort of do, and it results in it happening more frequently than if we did not schedule.

So. It’s a good choice for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, early 40s, married 15ish years, kids are tweens.

We’ve never officially scheduled it, but I do kind of schedule it in my mind and make sure it happens at least 2x per week. Truthfully I don’t have much of a libido anymore, but it helps that my H is a good lover and a good partner. He’d have it every day if it were up to him; 2x per week seems to be the sweet spot where it doesn’t feel too burdensome to me and also doesn’t leave him feeling deprived and disconnected. I believe marriage means that you sometimes do things with and for your spouse as an act of love and not necessarily because you have a deep desire to do them.

This is me exactly only a little older, closer to 50 and 26 years with dh. If we had sex as infrequently as my libido dictated, our marriage would have taken a sharp turn years ago. I’m smart enough to recognize that not having sex also had an impact on our emotional connection. It’s important to get frisky not just for his libido but also for our marriage. So many people on here seem to miss that.

[Anonymous]

DH and I used to roughly keep track and try for once a week. Unfortunately we are now in a dead bedroom situation. But truly if he lost 30lbs I’d happily fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, early 40s, married 15ish years, kids are tweens.

We’ve never officially scheduled it, but I do kind of schedule it in my mind and make sure it happens at least 2x per week. Truthfully I don’t have much of a libido anymore, but it helps that my H is a good lover and a good partner. He’d have it every day if it were up to him; 2x per week seems to be the sweet spot where it doesn’t feel too burdensome to me and also doesn’t leave him feeling deprived and disconnected. I believe marriage means that you sometimes do things with and for your spouse as an act of love and not necessarily because you have a deep desire to do them.

This is me exactly only a little older, closer to 50 and 26 years with dh. If we had sex as infrequently as my libido dictated, our marriage would have taken a sharp turn years ago. I’m smart enough to recognize that not having sex also had an impact on our emotional connection. It’s important to get frisky not just for his libido but also for our marriage. So many people on here seem to miss that.

Having the sex that the woman knows she will enjoy by spacing it correctly is not missing anything. It is prioritizing female desire. Men prioritize their own desire just fine, they do not need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, early 40s, married 15ish years, kids are tweens.

We’ve never officially scheduled it, but I do kind of schedule it in my mind and make sure it happens at least 2x per week. Truthfully I don’t have much of a libido anymore, but it helps that my H is a good lover and a good partner. He’d have it every day if it were up to him; 2x per week seems to be the sweet spot where it doesn’t feel too burdensome to me and also doesn’t leave him feeling deprived and disconnected. I believe marriage means that you sometimes do things with and for your spouse as an act of love and not necessarily because you have a deep desire to do them.

This is me exactly only a little older, closer to 50 and 26 years with dh. If we had sex as infrequently as my libido dictated, our marriage would have taken a sharp turn years ago. I’m smart enough to recognize that not having sex also had an impact on our emotional connection. It’s important to get frisky not just for his libido but also for our marriage. So many people on here seem to miss that.

They don’t. But for many people, they need emotional connection to happen before sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman, early 40s, married 15ish years, kids are tweens.

We’ve never officially scheduled it, but I do kind of schedule it in my mind and make sure it happens at least 2x per week. Truthfully I don’t have much of a libido anymore, but it helps that my H is a good lover and a good partner. He’d have it every day if it were up to him; 2x per week seems to be the sweet spot where it doesn’t feel too burdensome to me and also doesn’t leave him feeling deprived and disconnected. I believe marriage means that you sometimes do things with and for your spouse as an act of love and not necessarily because you have a deep desire to do them.

This is me exactly only a little older, closer to 50 and 26 years with dh. If we had sex as infrequently as my libido dictated, our marriage would have taken a sharp turn years ago. I’m smart enough to recognize that not having sex also had an impact on our emotional connection. It’s important to get frisky not just for his libido but also for our marriage. So many people on here seem to miss that.

Thank you! Good to see so many rational posts on this topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

Why would your wife want to have sex if she has never had an orgasm? Think dude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both work from home and I LOVE putting "yoga" or "gym class" or emojis or something else silly on our joint calendar in the middle of the day. Sometimes it can just be chat about the day sex. It doesn't have to be that serious.

Thanks for sharing—great ideas. Given that my wife low libido, isn’t interested in anything beyond the most basic physical intimacy, and doesn’t think she’s ever had an orgasm, I’m wondering: is there anything you’d suggest doing differently to help increase her interest or engagement?

Why would your wife want to have sex if she has never had an orgasm? Think dude.

Get her some THC gummies and a vibrating toy. She’ll have some magical moments for sure.