I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

This does seem like the superwoman - loser dad troll.

[Anonymous]

You are in no position, either of you, to be making those kind of life choices right now. You're sleep deprived and disoriented. Do what you need to do to survive, continue to have discussions, not ultimatums/thrown downs, and see where you're at in 6 months or so.

[Anonymous]

We always had a night nurse and nanny. Plus we have always had addition house hold help. Why not try hiring a night nurse? Cheaper than a divorce!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

So when is his downtime? How is he cooking if you're also having him take care of the baby? (And WTF are you cooking? Seriously, get take out, microwave some food, eat salads and sandwiches)

I'm not saying you should be caring for the baby all the time because he's working and you're not, but you seem to have zero concern about him and also very unrealistic expectations of how life should go.

[Anonymous]

Oh dear! I am thinking won't it have been easier and more pleasant experience if you had a social and family tradition of intense postpartum help and support (from willing and dedicated family members or professional doulas) like in many Asian cultures?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

Why. Are. You. Cooking. Dinner?!?

[Anonymous]

lol good luck crazy lady

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

FIVE WEEKS. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's a lifelong process. Talk to your OB/GYN stat. Your hormones are still raging. Can you hire someone to help you a few hours a day?

well OP is able to parent the baby and keep up her end of the bargain. her DH, not so much. If he does not change then divorce is quite likely. OP should do it sooner rather than later (but maybe after the infant stage, around 3.) she could also take the approach of letting him hoist himself on his own petard and let him be absent for several years at all his “client dinners” - then she can get primary custody.

Oh please, it's not like they're both on leave. She said when he was on leave it was fine. Now he's also working. When my husband went back to work after a month the first time I slept in the guest room so he could get an uninterrupted night's sleep. And I didn't expect him to walk inside and and immediately take over everything. I had actually had some downtime during the day because babies sleep a lot. We also didn't have stupid expectations about someone having to cook dinner every night. Laundry was mostly baby-related since it's not like I was wearing multiple outfits a day. There are a million ways to simplify things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

You misread. he is not doing any laundry. He is not cooking at all. He is not doing any of the baby care (and who will do the night feeds when OP returns to work?). also not buying that an entire HOUR “decompressing” when your wife has been home all day with an infant is really fair.

OP literally said "He does do meal prep and laundry"

[Anonymous]

OP,

You are pissed at him because his life has not changed. And you are supremely hormonal. You sweet child, by becoming a parent, your life and your husband's life has forever changed. It will never be exactly the same. The old life is gone.

Right now, you have to throw money at the problem and remember that this will be the solution for some time. Send your laundry out, buy prepared meals, get your groceries delivered, hire a night nurse so you can sleep, have a cleaning lady come and clean your house.

Don't use the "D" world if he there is no addiction, abuse or adultery in the marriage. What you are going through is a normal reaction. That is why in the Asian culture, mom and child are not left alone for a minute for at least 40 days. The postpartum help (ideally two people looking after mom and child) ends at 40 days, but for the first year, many support for the first 40 days - cleaning, cooking, laundry, childcare for older kids, grocery shopping - are left in place.

Both of you are educated people so I am sure you can solve this problem. It is really an expense, not a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This does seem like the superwoman - loser dad troll.

If only that scenario were always trolling …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face. Your poor husband will actually think having kids is what ruined his life, but in reality it was marrying a selfish, entitled little girl.

I ruined my life with a similar misstep. Best of luck to your 5 week old who deserves better than the life you are creating.

lol dude. To think you just could have gotten up with the baby and cooked dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

So when is his downtime? How is he cooking if you're also having him take care of the baby? (And WTF are you cooking? Seriously, get take out, microwave some food, eat salads and sandwiches)

I'm not saying you should be caring for the baby all the time because he's working and you're not, but you seem to have zero concern about him and also very unrealistic expectations of how life should go.

His downtime is when he gets to be in the office with no crying newborn. come on - you can’t play us. DCUM is full of working moms who have experienced first hand how the office is easier than staying home with a newborn. Working FT with an infant is hard as f, but going into the office is a break in many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

FIVE WEEKS. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's a lifelong process. Talk to your OB/GYN stat. Your hormones are still raging. Can you hire someone to help you a few hours a day?

well OP is able to parent the baby and keep up her end of the bargain. her DH, not so much. If he does not change then divorce is quite likely. OP should do it sooner rather than later (but maybe after the infant stage, around 3.) she could also take the approach of letting him hoist himself on his own petard and let him be absent for several years at all his “client dinners” - then she can get primary custody.

Oh please, it's not like they're both on leave. She said when he was on leave it was fine. Now he's also working. When my husband went back to work after a month the first time I slept in the guest room so he could get an uninterrupted night's sleep. And I didn't expect him to walk inside and and immediately take over everything. I had actually had some downtime during the day because babies sleep a lot. We also didn't have stupid expectations about someone having to cook dinner every night. Laundry was mostly baby-related since it's not like I was wearing multiple outfits a day. There are a million ways to simplify things.

The chances of him doing 50% when she returns to work is minimal. Then whee, OP will be doing all the night feeds and all the cooking and also working FT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

You misread. he is not doing any laundry. He is not cooking at all. He is not doing any of the baby care (and who will do the night feeds when OP returns to work?). also not buying that an entire HOUR “decompressing” when your wife has been home all day with an infant is really fair.

OP literally said "He does do meal prep and laundry"

She clarified he does it on the weekend and does only his own laundry.