I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a new baby in the home is tough.

Yet your husband appears to not want his own life to change because of it - - sounds like he doesn’t like the changes that accompany becoming first-time parents.

You are not wrong in your feelings > or in your assessment of your marriage.
Your husband needs to step up to the plate NOW.

He wanted this new family dynamic too……

OP, my heart breaks for you. This PP is right- your DH is living in a fantasy world where he thinks he can just go back to the way things were if he acts like things haven’t changed.

Mine was like this and it escalated to him just disappearing to a hotel for 4 days when DD was 10 weeks old. He wouldn’t tell me what hotel or when he was returning, and it was also a time when money was tight. I longed for a quiet night away or an hour off and still cannot believe his selfishness in doing that.

At the time I did not have the financial means to leave, but I think about that time often and have kept in mind the fact that I cannot rely on nor trust him. It was tragic and sad but it’s also freeing to know that you are on your own.

My DH thinks he’s a big family guy but DD is now old enough to make her own choices and mostly avoids him and also knows he’s unreliable. I feel badly for her that I chose so poorly but I am glad that I took over rather than wait for DH to step up.

In my experience, if they don’t step up when everything is new and special and all eyes are on them, they never will. So now you know who your DH is. Get brave and rely only on yourself, divorce or no divorce.

+1 this really hit home. Same same. And my kids know it.

[Anonymous]

D
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[Anonymous]

OP - I would consult your OB/GYN as soon as possible because you do appear to be dealing with Post Partum depression and perhaps an evaluation and referral to a therapist with this specialty will be a first step to helping yourself!! A medical doctor could also judge if you may need some medication in the future. A therapist will be able to help you sort out your feelings and your complaints and develop a strategy for moving forward to meet your needs.

Definitely get the baby used to taking formula in a bottle as soon as you can, if you prefer not to use formula part of the time so that you can give your DH the baby to feed while you are there to be comfortable in doing so and then so you can go out, too. If he is to continue on his solo ride of little or no change, then let him know the cost of bringing in someone to help out weekly. And you would choose the functions you want covered - perhaps doing dinner prep for a couple of nights and the laundry more that running the vacuum for now. You also need to learn to let some things go for now, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
D
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This does not make it better. Really, it does not.

[Anonymous]

The amount of misogyny on this thread is astounding. OP, your husband sounds like a jerk. Your feelings are valid and justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP - I would consult your OB/GYN as soon as possible because you do appear to be dealing with Post Partum depression and perhaps an evaluation and referral to a therapist with this specialty will be a first step to helping yourself!! A medical doctor could also judge if you may need some medication in the future. A therapist will be able to help you sort out your feelings and your complaints and develop a strategy for moving forward to meet your needs.

Definitely get the baby used to taking formula in a bottle as soon as you can, if you prefer not to use formula part of the time so that you can give your DH the baby to feed while you are there to be comfortable in doing so and then so you can go out, too. If he is to continue on his solo ride of little or no change, then let him know the cost of bringing in someone to help out weekly. And you would choose the functions you want covered - perhaps doing dinner prep for a couple of nights and the laundry more that running the vacuum for now. You also need to learn to let some things go for now, too.

I have never understood this formula argument. Or the fact that the only bonding Dads can assist with is feeding. It seems to me that a lot of people posting these suggestions dont know how breastfeeding works and havent done it for an extended time. The first 12 weeks establishes supply ergo if Dad gives formula, mom still needs to pump. A pump replaces a feeding so that the supply doesnt drop.

Also, feeding a bottle of formula is LITERALLY the laziest, most checked out "help". Do you see Dads staring into their babies eyes and connecting, which is what is supposed to happen? No, they prop the bottle up while they watch sports or scroll their phone.

I also get annoyed that the response to everything when complaining about your spouse and their lack of effort is to formula feed. Or give a pumped bottle. As if 10 minutes of feeding a newborn magically erases the laundry, lack of sleep, dishes piled up, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. And taking care of basic hygiene like showering isnt self care. Neither are running errands.

Dad can babywear after mom nurses so baby naps for 1-2 hours and Mom can get a break there but that would require ACTUAL PARTICIPATION AND EFFORT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do military families do when inly one parent is present?

Their community helps them

Both sets of grandparents /parents help them

The default spouse is independent

The traveling military spouse is very grateful and shows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a new baby in the home is tough.

Yet your husband appears to not want his own life to change because of it - - sounds like he doesn’t like the changes that accompany becoming first-time parents.

You are not wrong in your feelings > or in your assessment of your marriage.
Your husband needs to step up to the plate NOW.

He wanted this new family dynamic too……

OP, my heart breaks for you. This PP is right- your DH is living in a fantasy world where he thinks he can just go back to the way things were if he acts like things haven’t changed.

Mine was like this and it escalated to him just disappearing to a hotel for 4 days when DD was 10 weeks old. He wouldn’t tell me what hotel or when he was returning, and it was also a time when money was tight. I longed for a quiet night away or an hour off and still cannot believe his selfishness in doing that.

At the time I did not have the financial means to leave, but I think about that time often and have kept in mind the fact that I cannot rely on nor trust him. It was tragic and sad but it’s also freeing to know that you are on your own.

My DH thinks he’s a big family guy but DD is now old enough to make her own choices and mostly avoids him and also knows he’s unreliable. I feel badly for her that I chose so poorly but I am glad that I took over rather than wait for DH to step up.

In my experience, if they don’t step up when everything is new and special and all eyes are on them, they never will. So now you know who your DH is. Get brave and rely only on yourself, divorce or no divorce.

Why did you stay in this terrible marriage? Your daughter's behavior towards him is a clear sign that she would have been happier if you had divorced. I'm sure at some level Your daughter is judging you that you never have the strength courage to do it What needed to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Now follow through w that divorce.

+1. DH here. From simpleton guy's perspective, I don't even know what "might want a divorce" means and how do you even respond to that. Don't pull out your gun unless you are willing to shoot it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Now follow through w that divorce.

+1. DH here. From simpleton guy's perspective, I don't even know what "might want a divorce" means and how do you even respond to that. Don't pull out your gun unless you are willing to shoot it.

DH should beat her to the courthouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Will OBs prescribe psych meds?

I don’t need psych meds.

I need a husband who actually wants to be a true partner and father.

You desperately need to be medicated.

Who are you. Tell us about yourself and why you hate op. Why do you support her husband refusing to be a parent?

Nearly all of the posters here agree the OP is not thinking rationally and suffering from PPD. She needs medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The amount of misogyny on this thread is astounding. OP, your husband sounds like a jerk. Your feelings are valid and justified.

Your lack of empathy and inability to see there are two sides to every situation truly amazes me. Do you really believe that women have no impact on the relationship because men hate women and purposely disregard the needs of their wife? Her feelings can be valid, justified and blown out of proportion due to hormones and postpartum depression.

He definitely needs to step up in a different way, if he wants the family he created with her. She also needs to be loving, appreciative and not combative with her husband. Both can be true, but not all problems are his fault in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP - I would consult your OB/GYN as soon as possible because you do appear to be dealing with Post Partum depression and perhaps an evaluation and referral to a therapist with this specialty will be a first step to helping yourself!! A medical doctor could also judge if you may need some medication in the future. A therapist will be able to help you sort out your feelings and your complaints and develop a strategy for moving forward to meet your needs.

Definitely get the baby used to taking formula in a bottle as soon as you can, if you prefer not to use formula part of the time so that you can give your DH the baby to feed while you are there to be comfortable in doing so and then so you can go out, too. If he is to continue on his solo ride of little or no change, then let him know the cost of bringing in someone to help out weekly. And you would choose the functions you want covered - perhaps doing dinner prep for a couple of nights and the laundry more that running the vacuum for now. You also need to learn to let some things go for now, too.

I have never understood this formula argument. Or the fact that the only bonding Dads can assist with is feeding. It seems to me that a lot of people posting these suggestions dont know how breastfeeding works and havent done it for an extended time. The first 12 weeks establishes supply ergo if Dad gives formula, mom still needs to pump. A pump replaces a feeding so that the supply doesnt drop.

Also, feeding a bottle of formula is LITERALLY the laziest, most checked out "help". Do you see Dads staring into their babies eyes and connecting, which is what is supposed to happen? No, they prop the bottle up while they watch sports or scroll their phone.

I also get annoyed that the response to everything when complaining about your spouse and their lack of effort is to formula feed. Or give a pumped bottle. As if 10 minutes of feeding a newborn magically erases the laundry, lack of sleep, dishes piled up, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. And taking care of basic hygiene like showering isnt self care. Neither are running errands.

Dad can babywear after mom nurses so baby naps for 1-2 hours and Mom can get a break there but that would require ACTUAL PARTICIPATION AND EFFORT.

Maybe you don’t remember the breastfeeding days but I do. For starters there is this incredible amount of pressure to breastfeed and not only does everyone not necessarily have the supply but it’s also during a time of a lot of change with hormones, physically recovering from birth, responsibility for raising a human and changing relationship with your SO as you handle increased responsibility. I gave myself grace to do what made sense for me and didn’t cause undue stress so supplementing with formula was okay or breastfeeding for less than my goal was also okay. I look back at all the things we might need to balance and deal with while raising kids - financial, mental health challenges for ourselves or our children, our parents health, learning challenges in school …all while wanting to have a strong marriage and good relationships with immediate family -things like breastfeeding versus formula - your kid will be fine either way.

The main thing for me personally with being able to pump was it opened up an avenue for me to get a longer stretch of sleep if DH could handle feedings, or I could have a few hours to get away and socialize outside of the home on my own, and eventually so I could go back to work. I do think my DH did bond with the kids partially with feeding them but it was as much that it was part of routine and his time with them as well as the confidence of being the primary parent in charge early on during those timeframes when I was sleeping or went out without the baby.

[Anonymous]

Who in their right mind thinks about divorce with a 5-week-old? You need each other right now. You need to be focusing on the baby and not threatening divorce over whether or not he did the dishes. You're probably sleep-deprived and hormonal as well, and who knows maybe even a little post-partum, so this is not the time to even bring up the D-word.

Almost everyone fights about this stuff. Having a baby is like becoming a coworker instead of a partner, but none of us chose our partners based on a job interview. So now you need to figure out how to be coworkers, and it's not always going to be about what you want. These years are tough, and nothing is going to make them easier. Until about 6 months, you'll be battling sleep deprivation and to be honest, neither one of you will be entirely able to think rationally. So eliminate the D-word from your vocabulary for at least that long. I mean really, why take marriage vows if you're going to bolt the first time one of you feels they are doing too much around the house. That's normal. Chill and maybe talk to someone instead of taking this out on your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP - I would consult your OB/GYN as soon as possible because you do appear to be dealing with Post Partum depression and perhaps an evaluation and referral to a therapist with this specialty will be a first step to helping yourself!! A medical doctor could also judge if you may need some medication in the future. A therapist will be able to help you sort out your feelings and your complaints and develop a strategy for moving forward to meet your needs.

Definitely get the baby used to taking formula in a bottle as soon as you can, if you prefer not to use formula part of the time so that you can give your DH the baby to feed while you are there to be comfortable in doing so and then so you can go out, too. If he is to continue on his solo ride of little or no change, then let him know the cost of bringing in someone to help out weekly. And you would choose the functions you want covered - perhaps doing dinner prep for a couple of nights and the laundry more that running the vacuum for now. You also need to learn to let some things go for now, too.

I have never understood this formula argument. Or the fact that the only bonding Dads can assist with is feeding. It seems to me that a lot of people posting these suggestions dont know how breastfeeding works and havent done it for an extended time. The first 12 weeks establishes supply ergo if Dad gives formula, mom still needs to pump. A pump replaces a feeding so that the supply doesnt drop.

Also, feeding a bottle of formula is LITERALLY the laziest, most checked out "help". Do you see Dads staring into their babies eyes and connecting, which is what is supposed to happen? No, they prop the bottle up while they watch sports or scroll their phone.

I also get annoyed that the response to everything when complaining about your spouse and their lack of effort is to formula feed. Or give a pumped bottle. As if 10 minutes of feeding a newborn magically erases the laundry, lack of sleep, dishes piled up, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. And taking care of basic hygiene like showering isnt self care. Neither are running errands.

Dad can babywear after mom nurses so baby naps for 1-2 hours and Mom can get a break there but that would require ACTUAL PARTICIPATION AND EFFORT.

Maybe you don’t remember the breastfeeding days but I do. For starters there is this incredible amount of pressure to breastfeed and not only does everyone not necessarily have the supply but it’s also during a time of a lot of change with hormones, physically recovering from birth, responsibility for raising a human and changing relationship with your SO as you handle increased responsibility. I gave myself grace to do what made sense for me and didn’t cause undue stress so supplementing with formula was okay or breastfeeding for less than my goal was also okay. I look back at all the things we might need to balance and deal with while raising kids - financial, mental health challenges for ourselves or our children, our parents health, learning challenges in school …all while wanting to have a strong marriage and good relationships with immediate family -things like breastfeeding versus formula - your kid will be fine either way.

The main thing for me personally with being able to pump was it opened up an avenue for me to get a longer stretch of sleep if DH could handle feedings, or I could have a few hours to get away and socialize outside of the home on my own, and eventually so I could go back to work. I do think my DH did bond with the kids partially with feeding them but it was as much that it was part of routine and his time with them as well as the confidence of being the primary parent in charge early on during those timeframes when I was sleeping or went out without the baby.

Just want to say that the pressure to breastfeed was, from day one, the thing that made my son's first few months so stressful and awful. I was so exhausted and stressed, and barely had enough milk, and the pump wouldn't work on me well, and I was just so miserable and barely got an hour of sleep at a time. And all that while recovering from a C-section. Had I to do it over again, I'd say f*** the breastfeeding and just do formula. It would have made everything so much better. There is way too much pressure for breastfeeding, and a lot of it comes from other women (and in my cases, doctors). OP, if it will help, then don't do it. The vague list of benefits is not worth the negatives sometimes.