I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

You need to outsource, set aside time for marriage counseling, and make time for yourself, even if that means hiring a sitter. Your hormones are raging, you have a difficult newborn, and you are understandably pissed that hubs gets to go to work like usual and go to fancy adult wine-steak dinners at night. That said, it sounds like he works hard and provides well financially. If you divorce, your finances go to he’ll, you can forget about part-time work, and he gets the kid 50% (you can bet he’ll hire help). Divorce is a last resort and you haven’t considered the consequences. You’re trying to shock him into changing by threatening divorce, but that’s very unwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

Then stop. Order food for yourself, feed the baby, fsck the housework, and feel free to do only your own laundry and the baby's.

You may end up parenting solo, but that doesn't mean you have to start parenting your partner now. Drop the dead weight. At a minimum, he can pull his own share, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

whish is it OP is he doing the cooking or laund or are you. you've ranged you story only 2 pages in....

I explained it pretty easily.

He does his own laundry. I do the rest.

He cooks like mela prep on the weekend but he doesn’t cook during the week.

If he's cooking meal prep on the weekend, why does he need to cook during the week? What sort of meals are you expecting him to make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Will OBs prescribe psych meds?

I don’t need psych meds.

I need a husband who actually wants to be a true partner and father.

How much of this was he doing before the baby? Because if you expected a baby to change him into "a true partner and father" well... that's your L.

Was he regularly making meals for both of you? Doing housework? Shopping and minding the household business? Because if not, your expectations are crazy. If so, you might have a chance. If not, well, you knew how he was before you had a kid with the guy, yeah?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Will OBs prescribe psych meds?

I don’t need psych meds.

I need a husband who actually wants to be a true partner and father.

How much of this was he doing before the baby? Because if you expected a baby to change him into "a true partner and father" well... that's your L.

Was he regularly making meals for both of you? Doing housework? Shopping and minding the household business? Because if not, your expectations are crazy. If so, you might have a chance. If not, well, you knew how he was before you had a kid with the guy, yeah?

We split it. It wasn’t always 50/50 but he did a lot more when he was home and when I was pregnant.

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear this dude’s side of the story. He’s probably wondering if she’s going to uncrazy or if this is a permanent switch flip.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Yikes! You need to divorce as well… Wait Is he suffering from post partum too???

Your husband is wayyyyy too comfy w skipping out on tasks he’s not interested in.

Last week he went out to dinner and I about cried when he was boasting about how good it felt to be out and the wine and amazing steak dinner. Here I am home with our child who is so fussy in the evenings I can barely eat dinner or put him down but F that I need help.

Are you breastfeeding? If not, bro can feed the kid while you go out one night a week, even if it's just to the library for some quiet, or a rec class for a hobby, or a cafe or restaurant for a meal you don't have to cook or clean up after.

The baby will grow. The days crawl but the months and years will FLY. Try to stay grounded and be present for your kid, and also know that they'll be okay. They can cry a little. They can wait in their crib while you take a shower/piss by yourself. It doesn't have to be perfect. If you're both alive at the end of the day and the house isn't on fire, you won the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

I don’t get any downtime or evenings off. He refuses to take the baby evenings during the week. He takes the baby for a couple of hours on the weekend. I’m with the baby 24/7 except for those couple of hours on the weekend. I’m on 24/7 during the week. That’s literally my entire reason for being upset.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

You didn’t understand any of the post. They were a team and had a game plan. Her DH decided he wasn’t willing to do any of it now that he’s back at work. Op does the entire week all by herself with a measly couple of hours break on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Yikes! You need to divorce as well… Wait Is he suffering from post partum too???

Your husband is wayyyyy too comfy w skipping out on tasks he’s not interested in.

Last week he went out to dinner and I about cried when he was boasting about how good it felt to be out and the wine and amazing steak dinner. Here I am home with our child who is so fussy in the evenings I can barely eat dinner or put him down but F that I need help.

Are you breastfeeding? If not, bro can feed the kid while you go out one night a week, even if it's just to the library for some quiet, or a rec class for a hobby, or a cafe or restaurant for a meal you don't have to cook or clean up after.

The baby will grow. The days crawl but the months and years will FLY. Try to stay grounded and be present for your kid, and also know that they'll be okay. They can cry a little. They can wait in their crib while you take a shower/piss by yourself. It doesn't have to be perfect. If you're both alive at the end of the day and the house isn't on fire, you won the day.

I’m exclusively breastfeeding. You missed the point that he does not help at all during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

You didn’t understand any of the post. They were a team and had a game plan. Her DH decided he wasn’t willing to do any of it now that he’s back at work. Op does the entire week all by herself with a measly couple of hours break on the weekends.

It’s like you’re OP responding as if it’s not OP.
Who’s watching the baby now? Go sleep!

[Anonymous]

Don't be one of those woman who cry "divorce" every time she's upset. It's abusive. Either mean it and do it or stop resorting to scare tactics.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't quit your job. You don't want to be dependent on him financially.

Start the process of hiring a nanny now. Hire her for when she can start - don't wait for your leave to be over. Pay for the nanny with marital assets. If he complains, ignore him.

Hire a housekeeper.

Eat stuff like cereal and yogurt and salad and take out. You don't need to be coming huge gourmet meals, especially not for his benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stress muddies, but also clarifies relationships. Your husband is now more fully aware of who he married. Threats of divorce poison a marriage and are never forgotten. He will not forget. Someday you will need his understanding and forgiveness. Do update us when that happens.

Yes and the same goes for her with her husband who has decided he life doesnt have to change and OP is on her own when hes working...which seems to be anytim except when he helps with meal prep on weekends.

OP your situation has become crystal clear. You set expectations and had discussions and Im sure you felt like you approached it logically because you had heard about how easy it is to be the primary everything once a baby is here. And you feel resentful and rejected because hes reneged on his end that I am sure he agreed to- and earnestly.