I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

whish is it OP is he doing the cooking or laund or are you. you've ranged you story only 2 pages in....

I explained it pretty easily.

He does his own laundry. I do the rest.

He cooks like mela prep on the weekend but he doesn’t cook during the week.

[Anonymous]

So OP, what did he say when you mentioned you want a divorce?

[Anonymous]

JFC you're 5 weeks postpartum with your first child.. I'm 3 kids in (one of whom is a newborn) and a nearly 20 year old relationship.

Maybe your husband is actually my husband or vice versa..

I'm sorry, but 5 weeks in is not nearly enough time for either of you to adjust to your new lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

Troll

Supposed 5 week old?

What’s the point of saying “I might” want a divorce? Shock & awe? Threat? Cry for help? Hi I’m wishy washy?

What are you rambling on about? You make zero sense.

Subject line makes no sense

Again, where did op state the above things? List them. I can’t find anywhere where she changed her story and claimed her husband did things she never said.

And what’s a “ supposed 5 week old”. That makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP, what did he say when you mentioned you want a divorce?

Op said he got angry and called her irrational and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP, what did he say when you mentioned you want a divorce?

Op said he got angry and called her irrational and ungrateful.

I'm shocked he wasn't thrilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Will OBs prescribe psych meds?

I don’t need psych meds.

I need a husband who actually wants to be a true partner and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Yikes! You need to divorce as well… Wait Is he suffering from post partum too???

Your husband is wayyyyy too comfy w skipping out on tasks he’s not interested in.

Last week he went out to dinner and I about cried when he was boasting about how good it felt to be out and the wine and amazing steak dinner. Here I am home with our child who is so fussy in the evenings I can barely eat dinner or put him down but F that I need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Will OBs prescribe psych meds?

I don’t need psych meds.

I need a husband who actually wants to be a true partner and father.

You desperately need to be medicated.

[Anonymous]

OP, I considered divorce the first year or so of our oldest child’s life more often than I will admit out loud to anyone. It was a hard adjustment on both of us! 16 years later and 2 more kids later, and I can’t remember the last time the thought even crossed my mind. DH is a fabulous partner and father. Take some deep breaths and sit down calmly with him to discuss a new plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost every woman I know wanted to divorce their husband in the first year after having a child. What you are feeling is totally normal. And unfortunately what you are encountering is also pretty normal - husbands not stepping up.

Threatening divorce is not the answer. You are angry and I get it but just focus on surviving right now and don't think about the future. Divorce makes absolutely no sense even if he is a lazy husband. Would you really want to go at it alone, and then not see your kid 50% of the time? Didn't think so.

Life will get better once you go back to work and baby goes to daycare, and sleeps through the night. Then you can both think straight, and then have some serious talks.

No, my husband was very good with the baby stuff (swaddle, feeding, bathing, changing diapers, burping). He wasn't helpful with night time or cleaning, but he did buy us food.

Op, hire help as much as possible (you need a housekeeper twice a week for 6-8 months).
The house keeper can do cleaning one day and the other day do laundry and cook.
This is a lot cheaper than divorce. No more baby with this guy!

[Anonymous]

OP, I would just hire the help and tell your husband that instead of divorce I hired help...and never talk about it again unless you plan to follow through with the D!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage.

You're the AH, OP. Yes, you're postpartum and a 5-week old kid is making you both crazy. But here's the key: you don't threaten divorce. You don't.

If/when you're going to divorce, you quietly and discretely get your ish together, including at least two consultations with different divorce attorneys (more if you have significant assets, property, or other complicated circumstances), and you make a plan. And then you execute.

That crap you pulled is emotional manipulation, and it's NOT conducive to a healthy relationship. "Hey honey. I know we're both totally exhausted, and that this phase isn't permanent. Thing is, I'm really struggling with ______ (specific thing you want help with), and it would be really helpful to me if you would ________ (specific directive, as simplified as possible)."

PP's point about outsourcing what you can afford, especially during the first year, is spot on. You can't put all the responsibilities on just the parents. You'll break. Call in family, call in friends, call in paid assistance... But always remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, until one or both of you actually quit. Don't talk about it if you're not gonna do it, and you'd be ridiculous to divorce over petty frustrations like what you're currently going through. Your "game plan" is going to need to evolved multiple times before your kid is 2, and it'll keep changing until they're fully-fledged. Let go of the small stuff, outsource what you can, roll with the punches and cut yourself and your spouse some slack.

+100

[Anonymous]

OP needs someone to take care of the baby so she can get uninterrupted sleep. If she's breastfeeding, she needs that person to bring her the baby to nurse and then let her go back to sleep. Her parent, sibling, best friend, or a hired doula/nurse.

[Anonymous]

Stress muddies, but also clarifies relationships. Your husband is now more fully aware of who he married. Threats of divorce poison a marriage and are never forgotten. He will not forget. Someday you will need his understanding and forgiveness. Do update us when that happens.