I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

FIVE WEEKS. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's a lifelong process. Talk to your OB/GYN stat. Your hormones are still raging. Can you hire someone to help you a few hours a day?

well OP is able to parent the baby and keep up her end of the bargain. her DH, not so much. If he does not change then divorce is quite likely. OP should do it sooner rather than later (but maybe after the infant stage, around 3.) she could also take the approach of letting him hoist himself on his own petard and let him be absent for several years at all his “client dinners” - then she can get primary custody.

Oh please, it's not like they're both on leave. She said when he was on leave it was fine. Now he's also working. When my husband went back to work after a month the first time I slept in the guest room so he could get an uninterrupted night's sleep. And I didn't expect him to walk inside and and immediately take over everything. I had actually had some downtime during the day because babies sleep a lot. We also didn't have stupid expectations about someone having to cook dinner every night. Laundry was mostly baby-related since it's not like I was wearing multiple outfits a day. There are a million ways to simplify things.

The chances of him doing 50% when she returns to work is minimal. Then whee, OP will be doing all the night feeds and all the cooking and also working FT.

So, OP puts money (DH's and hers) into getting cleaning lady, laundry service and meals. Then she puts money in childcare (DH's and hers) so she can continue working FT.

OR she can do what I did - become a SAHM, hire part time domestic staff, let the DH earn money and enjoy the kids.

OP, don't have another kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

FIVE WEEKS. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's a lifelong process. Talk to your OB/GYN stat. Your hormones are still raging. Can you hire someone to help you a few hours a day?

well OP is able to parent the baby and keep up her end of the bargain. her DH, not so much. If he does not change then divorce is quite likely. OP should do it sooner rather than later (but maybe after the infant stage, around 3.) she could also take the approach of letting him hoist himself on his own petard and let him be absent for several years at all his “client dinners” - then she can get primary custody.

Oh please, it's not like they're both on leave. She said when he was on leave it was fine. Now he's also working. When my husband went back to work after a month the first time I slept in the guest room so he could get an uninterrupted night's sleep. And I didn't expect him to walk inside and and immediately take over everything. I had actually had some downtime during the day because babies sleep a lot. We also didn't have stupid expectations about someone having to cook dinner every night. Laundry was mostly baby-related since it's not like I was wearing multiple outfits a day. There are a million ways to simplify things.

The chances of him doing 50% when she returns to work is minimal. Then whee, OP will be doing all the night feeds and all the cooking and also working FT.

So, OP puts money (DH's and hers) into getting cleaning lady, laundry service and meals. Then she puts money in childcare (DH's and hers) so she can continue working FT.

OR do what others do.

[Anonymous]

Never threaten divorce.
Early post-partum is strictly survival mode. No one is thinking clearly.
Hire help.
Bring in family to help.
Get rid of all unnecessary tasks/obligations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

I don’t get any downtime or evenings off. He refuses to take the baby evenings during the week. He takes the baby for a couple of hours on the weekend. I’m with the baby 24/7 except for those couple of hours on the weekend. I’m on 24/7 during the week. That’s literally my entire reason for being upset.

Take downtime. Even if you're breastfeeding, you can leave for two hours. Leave. What's he going to do? He'll have to figure it out.

If you want evenings off, take them. "I'm going out wednesday from 7-9 and again 7-9 on Friday". Period. This is how he treats you, so this is clearly a language he speaks.

Moms do this weird martyr thing, and it's stupid. Yeah, you're the one with the boobs, so you will need to be around, but not literally always. If you want a break, take one. It's his kid. You don't have to ask him to watch his kid. If he's not willing to volunteer to be responsible, voluntell him to be responsible for his kid, and then reinforce it by not being available.

[Anonymous]

OP gets divorce then she has kid, works, hires help.
Or stays married realizing plans change when reality bites, hires help.
OP sounds so whiny and entitled her xDH would be better off without her.

[Anonymous]

OP better pray DH doesn't say ok, pack his stuff and leave. I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

Wow, you are in post-partum mania/depression OP.

You should chill out before you ruin your child's life forever.

What a jerk response. I would be miserable too and be considering divorce if my dh acted like the child wasn't his responsibility as well. He should be supporting his spouse, not calling her names. He's being an ass and we should at least acknowledge that.

The responses to this post are full of misogynistic hate. She is going through a lot and many of you don't acknowledge this at all. If he thinks op is spoiled or ungrateful for expecting help with their child, we all know he is the spoiled and ungrateful one. Just because he isn't enjoying the difficult post birth experience doesn't mean he gets to throw up his hands and run away. On top of being exhausted from non stop feeding and baby care, op's body is going through tremendous change and it sounds like her dh could care less. You really see how people are when the chips are down and my guess is op had to bring out the nuclear option to get this lug to hear her.

Good luck op. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope your dh wakes up, but more than likely you are seeing what he is really like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re probably not being too harsh, but you probably also shouldn’t get divorced.

Men often go through a postpartum thing where they suck.

Women need more help postpartum than they get from their spouses.

Having a baby is hard for everyone, whether they are doing great or not. Women seem to dive in more and plow through. Men often retreat.

What you need to adjust most is the game plan. You’re going to get less from him than you thought. It’s better for your little family if you can get more somewhere else. Childcare. Other family. Hired help of some other kind. Your expectations might have been unrealistic for him as an individual or not but seriously, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help you right now to be right. At all. Being right gets you bupkis right now so try hard to let that go.

Try hard not to get divorced until the baby turns 2. If you still want to at that point? Trust me, it’ll be there for you.

Don’t get pregnant.

The bolded is sexist bullshite. Parroting this crap just continues the sexist stereotypes. There are selfish, sexist men who think that, no matter what - whether she's working or not, this is women's work. We need to do a better job raising men. Often we don't really know what our spouses are like until we are in a difficult situation.

Try to hire a night nurse or any help so you can take care of yourself. Your spouse isn't looking out for you so it would be helpful to hire help. I wouldn't even discuss it with that lump of a dh. He needs to show you he cares about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I want to hug both of you, OP and husband!
No no no. Please don't do this to yourselves. You have a 5 week old. He is your priority.

Your husband needs to come to his senses and do more. He has a post-partum wife and infant who are both vulnerable. Working all day out of the home is not an excuse for doing nothing at home. He needs to bond with his baby, and look after him too.

I hope you two can figure it out.

How is she supposed to "figure it out" when he feels little responsibility toward his child and partner? I'd bet she dropped the nuclear option because he wasn't hearing her.

He doesn't like how hard and exhausting parenting is so he unilaterally decided to check out. I know too many men like this who will make a plan with their wives and then when the rubber hits the road, they do what they want. This is a personality trait and op will probably see that he does what he wants and what benefits him for the rest of their marriage. I've seen this play out in my life and in my experience, these guys who suddenly travel more post partum don't care about their wives, don't respect them and are the guys who jump into an affair just to escape the hard parts.

I was lucky my dh was very invested in our children and rolled up his sleeves and helped tremendously despite having a very stressful high level job. Op isn't childish, she's facing that her spouse is not at all who he pretended to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

Stop doing a single thing for him. Cook for you not both of you. Do not do his laundry. Clean your dishes only. Pile his up. Do not order any food that is specifically for him. Do not take care of him. He needs to take care of himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

Doing laundry for a 3 person family is nothing. Op does he put all the clothes away when the laundry is done? I'd bet not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first year of having a kid is a shock. Hire extra help and do whatever you can to keep your marriage strong.

When we only had one, my husband and I would do 50/50 on the weekends - each take a two hour shift or whatever so we got time for ourselves on the weekends to do chores or just relax.

Also teach the baby to sleep well. Newborns sleep so much that you can get a lot of free time to yourself if you follow wake windows and teach them to sleep independently.

Lastly, beware of the mental load coming out of maternity leave - my mat leaves were long and I did everything since my husband was working. Then the balance was very uneven when I went back to work and never really recovered. I don’t particularly mind as I like being the default parents but I do get resentful sometimes since we both work full time.

The teach the baby to sleep well is kind of bs. Lots of babies have issues that prevent this and only time cures it. You're giving op something to feel guilty about that she may have little control over. I don't see how your advice helps since her dh refuses to be 50/50 at any point. The only thing you are right about is how hard her return to work will be because she married a man-baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, almost every woman I know wanted to divorce their husband in the first year after having a child. What you are feeling is totally normal. And unfortunately what you are encountering is also pretty normal - husbands not stepping up.

Threatening divorce is not the answer. You are angry and I get it but just focus on surviving right now and don't think about the future. Divorce makes absolutely no sense even if he is a lazy husband. Would you really want to go at it alone, and then not see your kid 50% of the time? Didn't think so.

Life will get better once you go back to work and baby goes to daycare, and sleeps through the night. Then you can both think straight, and then have some serious talks.

This is sexist bs and a lie. It's making excuses for what are really defective spouses. I know very few men who pulled this crap. Her life may continue to be very difficult when she goes back to work because he won't step up then even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Misogynistic creep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Will OBs prescribe psych meds?

I don’t need psych meds.

I need a husband who actually wants to be a true partner and father.

You desperately need to be medicated.

Who are you. Tell us about yourself and why you hate op. Why do you support her husband refusing to be a parent?