I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

[Anonymous]

You are right, get a divorce, a job and you do and pay for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

You are home, he's working. Give him the baby for an hour or too and pump or use formula so he can help. Hire help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right, get a divorce, a job and you do and pay for everything.

I do have a job. I will be working once my leave is over.

[Anonymous]

Yeah Divorce. He probably won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

FIVE WEEKS. Parenting doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's a lifelong process. Talk to your OB/GYN stat. Your hormones are still raging. Can you hire someone to help you a few hours a day?

well OP is able to parent the baby and keep up her end of the bargain. her DH, not so much. If he does not change then divorce is quite likely. OP should do it sooner rather than later (but maybe after the infant stage, around 3.) she could also take the approach of letting him hoist himself on his own petard and let him be absent for several years at all his “client dinners” - then she can get primary custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

Stop doing laundry and stop cooking for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Most people order groceries. Or, order ready made meals or prepped food. Cook for a few days of leftovers. Order carry out if its an issue. Hand him the baby and go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Most people order groceries. Or, order ready made meals or prepped food. Cook for a few days of leftovers. Order carry out if its an issue. Hand him the baby and go out.

Why can’t he figure out the groceries and meal planning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you planned before the baby came was probably well intended but naive.
Then reality of him working, you home, each with different timing and stresses hit. Your little plan didn't work.
Time to draw on experiences and revise the plan. Throw money at some problems. If he can't do chores and be good at work and keep the salary and benefits coming in, outsource some stuff and reallocate who does what. If you are too overwhelmed with baby and physical recovery get some hired hands to do stuff and reallocate who does what.
If you divorce you will have fewer resources and it's biting off your nose to spite your face.

I feel like I’m doing it all. No help. We should be doing it as a team. I know it won’t always be 50/50 but I shouldn’t have to assume all of the parenting because he’s too tired after work. I’m tired but I manage to care for our child who eats every dang 1.5-2 hours around the clock, care for myself, and still cook dinner on the days he isn’t home because he won’t do it. I keep on top of the laundry and all the other things that need to be done because it needs to be done. I feel like I’m parenting solo and that was never the plan.

whish is it OP is he doing the cooking or laund or are you. you've ranged you story only 2 pages in....

[Anonymous]

The first year of having a kid is a shock. Hire extra help and do whatever you can to keep your marriage strong.

When we only had one, my husband and I would do 50/50 on the weekends - each take a two hour shift or whatever so we got time for ourselves on the weekends to do chores or just relax.

Also teach the baby to sleep well. Newborns sleep so much that you can get a lot of free time to yourself if you follow wake windows and teach them to sleep independently.

Lastly, beware of the mental load coming out of maternity leave - my mat leaves were long and I did everything since my husband was working. Then the balance was very uneven when I went back to work and never really recovered. I don’t particularly mind as I like being the default parents but I do get resentful sometimes since we both work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

You misread. he is not doing any laundry. He is not cooking at all. He is not doing any of the baby care (and who will do the night feeds when OP returns to work?). also not buying that an entire HOUR “decompressing” when your wife has been home all day with an infant is really fair.

[Anonymous]

Ha, sorry to laugh, but you have a newborn baby and you’re not rational. We’ve all been there! You’ll have a good chuckle one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Most people order groceries. Or, order ready made meals or prepped food. Cook for a few days of leftovers. Order carry out if its an issue. Hand him the baby and go out.

Why can’t he figure out the groceries and meal planning?

Yeah. You should call it. And put the kid up for adoption before you do irreparable damage.