I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t seem like you see him as a partner. It seems like you think he should work for you 24/7 and you are mad he isn’t doing what you tell him to do. Your schedule includes all evening off every day for you to have downtime but no downtime for him.

You don’t throw around divorce as a control tool.

Having a baby is a big adjustment and you have to let go of being controlling and giving orders and instead talk and discuss and hear both points of view. You have to see yourselves as a team. You have to listen. You seem to be approaching this as though you are his boss and he is your employee.

You didn't even read what op posted. You ignore everything she explained. You sound like her dh. She was prepared to work as a team but is married to a selfish, spoiled baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face. Your poor husband will actually think having kids is what ruined his life, but in reality it was marrying a selfish, entitled little girl.

I ruined my life with a similar misstep. Best of luck to your 5 week old who deserves better than the life you are creating.

You ruined your life being you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That poor baby. Can you re-home him to a proper family?

Op please ignore these sick people. We all know this is too common on the internet.

I'm cheering for you. Hope you can find some outside help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

So when is his downtime? How is he cooking if you're also having him take care of the baby? (And WTF are you cooking? Seriously, get take out, microwave some food, eat salads and sandwiches)

I'm not saying you should be caring for the baby all the time because he's working and you're not, but you seem to have zero concern about him and also very unrealistic expectations of how life should go.

His downtime is when he gets to be in the office with no crying newborn. come on - you can’t play us. DCUM is full of working moms who have experienced first hand how the office is easier than staying home with a newborn. Working FT with an infant is hard as f, but going into the office is a break in many ways.

Exactly. I had this conversation with so many coworkers. We all admitted that often work was a nice break. My husband would tell everyone not to pat him on the back for working and helping with child care. He told everyone he had it easier and that I deserved credit/concern/praise. He helped a lot and was very honest that the one at home with the newborn had it harder. My dh had a very stressful, intense job.

[Anonymous]

What do military families do when inly one parent is present?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face. Your poor husband will actually think having kids is what ruined his life, but in reality it was marrying a selfish, entitled little girl.

I ruined my life with a similar misstep. Best of luck to your 5 week old who deserves better than the life you are creating.

lol dude. To think you just could have gotten up with the baby and cooked dinner.

I did a lot more than that, but it was never enough to avoid blame for her misery. I did so much in addition to working full time that nothing changed when she left.

The fact that 5 weeks in she is already dropping divorce as an option was my concern. She isn’t asking for help due to a temporary unmanageable situation, she is threatening with an ultimatum 5 weeks into motherhood. Stop bashing him and help her learn to adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face. Your poor husband will actually think having kids is what ruined his life, but in reality it was marrying a selfish, entitled little girl.

I ruined my life with a similar misstep. Best of luck to your 5 week old who deserves better than the life you are creating.

You ruined your life being you.

Very true, I wish I could have given more than a loving and dedicated single father, but in the end that was the best I could offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do military families do when inly one parent is present?

I can’t say 100% but my neighbors had other military families and their religious community as support. In some cases family also came to stay with them when a baby was born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do military families do when inly one parent is present?

Usually you don’t have money to hire help, so I had my mom there for 1.5 weeks and then I just did it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do military families do when inly one parent is present?

Usually you don’t have money to hire help, so I had my mom there for 1.5 weeks and then I just did it.

I will add it is easier to be less resentful when spouses aren’t there versus when they are there but not stepping up.

[Anonymous]

Dude is just realizing he is F’d for life with this partner and is trying to make it through as best he can. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never threaten divorce.
Early post-partum is strictly survival mode. No one is thinking clearly.
Hire help.
Bring in family to help.
Get rid of all unnecessary tasks/obligations.

This. Making divorce part of the relationship conversation is a bell that cannot be unrung. You have now made it more likely that he will file in the future when times are tough, because he knows you are not truly committed.

[Anonymous]

Having a new baby in the home is tough.

Yet your husband appears to not want his own life to change because of it - - sounds like he doesn’t like the changes that accompany becoming first-time parents.

You are not wrong in your feelings > or in your assessment of your marriage.
Your husband needs to step up to the plate NOW.

He wanted this new family dynamic too……

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a new baby in the home is tough.

Yet your husband appears to not want his own life to change because of it - - sounds like he doesn’t like the changes that accompany becoming first-time parents.

You are not wrong in your feelings > or in your assessment of your marriage.
Your husband needs to step up to the plate NOW.

He wanted this new family dynamic too……

OP, my heart breaks for you. This PP is right- your DH is living in a fantasy world where he thinks he can just go back to the way things were if he acts like things haven’t changed.

Mine was like this and it escalated to him just disappearing to a hotel for 4 days when DD was 10 weeks old. He wouldn’t tell me what hotel or when he was returning, and it was also a time when money was tight. I longed for a quiet night away or an hour off and still cannot believe his selfishness in doing that.

At the time I did not have the financial means to leave, but I think about that time often and have kept in mind the fact that I cannot rely on nor trust him. It was tragic and sad but it’s also freeing to know that you are on your own.

My DH thinks he’s a big family guy but DD is now old enough to make her own choices and mostly avoids him and also knows he’s unreliable. I feel badly for her that I chose so poorly but I am glad that I took over rather than wait for DH to step up.

In my experience, if they don’t step up when everything is new and special and all eyes are on them, they never will. So now you know who your DH is. Get brave and rely only on yourself, divorce or no divorce.

[Anonymous]

Op, my husband was like yours. I stuck it out. It's been 20 years now. He never became the dad or husband I wanted though and I buried a lot of feelings and now that the kids are almost grown, a lot of resentment is bubbling up of why did I let him get away with so much. A lot of anger. So that you are addressing it now is good - better then me - it's not yet divorce-worthy though. Get through this first year with hired help or family. Then make a decision. You'll have a clearer mind to see how this will look long term. I wish I had done more of that. But do give it a year.