I told husband I might want a divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Expecting him to do all this while working full time isn’t reasonable.
Stop cooking and expecting full meals for a bit. House stuff takes a back burner for a bit. Your baby is five weeks. You won’t get this time back. Sit down together and enjoy that baby. Outsource anything that you can. Ordering groceries or doing pick up is what you should be doing - there is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t see it as a failure. It’s being efficient.
Your hormones are nuts right now but never threaten divorce unless you mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Yikes! You need to divorce as well… Wait Is he suffering from post partum too???

Your husband is wayyyyy too comfy w skipping out on tasks he’s not interested in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first year of having a kid is a shock. Hire extra help and do whatever you can to keep your marriage strong.

When we only had one, my husband and I would do 50/50 on the weekends - each take a two hour shift or whatever so we got time for ourselves on the weekends to do chores or just relax.

Also teach the baby to sleep well. Newborns sleep so much that you can get a lot of free time to yourself if you follow wake windows and teach them to sleep independently.

Lastly, beware of the mental load coming out of maternity leave - my mat leaves were long and I did everything since my husband was working. Then the balance was very uneven when I went back to work and never really recovered. I don’t particularly mind as I like being the default parents but I do get resentful sometimes since we both work full time.

Yeah it is a shock that he decided she can suffer pretty much unilaterally.

I am not exaggerating when I say that my exDH’s decision to opt out of the bulk of childcare in the first year (especially during the NB stage) was almost a trauma to me - I had no local support and the whole year was like a non-stop emotional emergency to me. (yes, I also worked FT.) our relationship did not recover from what I consider to be his fundamental betrayal of me and utter lack of regard.

That said, OP needs to focus now on putting on her oxygen mask to be able to get through the year and then figure out what comes next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Most people order groceries. Or, order ready made meals or prepped food. Cook for a few days of leftovers. Order carry out if its an issue. Hand him the baby and go out.

Why can’t he figure out the groceries and meal planning?

My guess is you’re not being reasonable with your expectations. You don’t need to be planning elaborate meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Expecting him to do all this while working full time isn’t reasonable.
Stop cooking and expecting full meals for a bit. House stuff takes a back burner for a bit. Your baby is five weeks. You won’t get this time back. Sit down together and enjoy that baby. Outsource anything that you can. Ordering groceries or doing pick up is what you should be doing - there is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t see it as a failure. It’s being efficient.
Your hormones are nuts right now but never threaten divorce unless you mean it.

So the man gets to come home and do nothing? what will happen when OP returns to work?

[Anonymous]

OP, almost every woman I know wanted to divorce their husband in the first year after having a child. What you are feeling is totally normal. And unfortunately what you are encountering is also pretty normal - husbands not stepping up.

Threatening divorce is not the answer. You are angry and I get it but just focus on surviving right now and don't think about the future. Divorce makes absolutely no sense even if he is a lazy husband. Would you really want to go at it alone, and then not see your kid 50% of the time? Didn't think so.

Life will get better once you go back to work and baby goes to daycare, and sleeps through the night. Then you can both think straight, and then have some serious talks.

[Anonymous]

Is there no family that can come stay to take care of you and the baby? If not, can you afford to hire help? It seems so unreasonable to me to expect a couple, with one working full time outside the home, to handle the first two months on their own. You both need outside help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

Expecting him to do all this while working full time isn’t reasonable.
Stop cooking and expecting full meals for a bit. House stuff takes a back burner for a bit. Your baby is five weeks. You won’t get this time back. Sit down together and enjoy that baby. Outsource anything that you can. Ordering groceries or doing pick up is what you should be doing - there is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn’t see it as a failure. It’s being efficient.
Your hormones are nuts right now but never threaten divorce unless you mean it.

So the man gets to come home and do nothing? what will happen when OP returns to work?

Sure seems like it…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

You misread. he is not doing any laundry. He is not cooking at all. He is not doing any of the baby care (and who will do the night feeds when OP returns to work?). also not buying that an entire HOUR “decompressing” when your wife has been home all day with an infant is really fair.

you wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

I never asked him to make lunch for me.

No. He does his laundry. I still do mine, baby, and household.

[Anonymous]

You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there no family that can come stay to take care of you and the baby? If not, can you afford to hire help? It seems so unreasonable to me to expect a couple, with one working full time outside the home, to handle the first two months on their own. You both need outside help.

Are you kidding?
Absent medical issues I can’t understand why it’s “unreasonable” to do it on your own. She is on maternity leave. It’s not that hard. If money is no object, then absolutely hire help.
I had triplet infants and managed without help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right, get a divorce, a job and you do and pay for everything.

I do have a job. I will be working once my leave is over.

I thought you hadn't decided yet...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, sorry to laugh, but you have a newborn baby and you’re not rational. We’ve all been there! You’ll have a good chuckle one day.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re off your rocker. Call your OB and get in to be seen.

Will OBs prescribe psych meds?