Son dating girl whose parents don’t allow her to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A big school dance coming up? In summer?

Probably prom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS dated a classmate who is Indian American back in HS. She was great in every way except her parents didn’t know. It was doomed from the start. I didn’t forbid DS from seeing her but let him know it could lead to problems. Sure enough, her parents found out and took drastic measures. It’s just a bad idea to even start.

+1 OP should be encouraging her son to find a new friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

They will do it anyways. They will just lie about it and feel like they can’t talk to their parents about anything except schoolwork and grades. They won’t be close to their parents and will only view them them as a source of obligation and guilt. And when they get to college they will do things like leave their phones in their dorm rooms while they go out and party and stay overnight elsewhere.

- 50yo adult Indian American who was born and raised in America by strict immigrant parents with college aged children who report how many Indian American girls behave nowadays.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are getting your information third hand. Through your son. He hears this info from the GF. Parents say all kinds of things. And some parents say things and don't enforce - for some reason they'd rather live is denial.

Don't work to shield your son from disappointment. If her parents are not respectful to him, the sooner he knows that the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

+2.

Indian and many Pakistani parents are extremely strict.

Pakistanis girls grow up to marry their own cousins. Its actually called "cousin marriage". Also they marry quite young. So the aim of Pakistani parents is not to curtail their teen's sex life, it is just to make sure that their DD gets married to some young man from the family or friend circle so that the DD's partner is someone the parent's approve of and it is all legal.

Indian families on the other hand do not want their kids to be interested in any sex, dating, romance - while in school.
In fact, the Indian parents approve of mental and physical sexual abstinence of their children through education years wholeheartedly. It is a matter of pride to have kids who are reaching all academic and EC milestones and usually this means that kids are too busy to date.

The first priority and complete attention of the children should be to get an excellent education and that should result in an amazing career. This is true of both girls and boys. Sex, romance, dating is seen as a distraction that derails the childrens future. Indian parents mostly do not deal with teen pregnancies, vaping, drug use, dating violence etc. They do not give an opportunity to their children for these dynamics to occur.

The calculus is very simple, the only thing that Indian kids can depend on is their education. As an adult, a good career will result in the solid financial and social standing that will enable them to have a successful personal life. The usual worry of having a socially isolated kid is not an issue because the one thing the Indian-American kid does not lack is social interaction in their personal life.

The girl is the problem in OP's original post. She is rebelling because of new hormones and the attention of the boy. She is probably also hanging out with other girls who are into boys, sex etc and she wants to be like them. She is influenced by her peer group. I blame her parents. They need to keep a closer eye on this girl.

Having a lot of community and family around you doesn’t prevent personal loneliness and social isolation.

But that's not something I'd expect you to understand with your formulaic thinking. Most Indians still rooted in "Indian" culture think this way. Two to three generations out, no one's following this path

No one needs a romantic partner in k-12 school. It is not age appropriate. If you think this is rooted in "Indian" culture then you are mistaken. Even if it is formulaic - education-college-job-marriage-family - all at the right time and in the right sequence, the results are pretty fantastic for Indian American kids.

BTW- USA is no longer the land of endless opportunity. A lot of old world practices are coming back so that people can survive. Stay tuned for the rise of multi-gen households. A practice around the world, but I am sure most will think it is "Indian".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

+2.

Indian and many Pakistani parents are extremely strict.

Pakistanis girls grow up to marry their own cousins. Its actually called "cousin marriage". Also they marry quite young. So the aim of Pakistani parents is not to curtail their teen's sex life, it is just to make sure that their DD gets married to some young man from the family or friend circle so that the DD's partner is someone the parent's approve of and it is all legal.

Indian families on the other hand do not want their kids to be interested in any sex, dating, romance - while in school.
In fact, the Indian parents approve of mental and physical sexual abstinence of their children through education years wholeheartedly. It is a matter of pride to have kids who are reaching all academic and EC milestones and usually this means that kids are too busy to date.

The first priority and complete attention of the children should be to get an excellent education and that should result in an amazing career. This is true of both girls and boys. Sex, romance, dating is seen as a distraction that derails the childrens future. Indian parents mostly do not deal with teen pregnancies, vaping, drug use, dating violence etc. They do not give an opportunity to their children for these dynamics to occur.

The calculus is very simple, the only thing that Indian kids can depend on is their education. As an adult, a good career will result in the solid financial and social standing that will enable them to have a successful personal life. The usual worry of having a socially isolated kid is not an issue because the one thing the Indian-American kid does not lack is social interaction in their personal life.

The girl is the problem in OP's original post. She is rebelling because of new hormones and the attention of the boy. She is probably also hanging out with other girls who are into boys, sex etc and she wants to be like them. She is influenced by her peer group. I blame her parents. They need to keep a closer eye on this girl.

You clearly were never an Indian American teenager in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

They will do it anyways. They will just lie about it and feel like they can’t talk to their parents about anything except schoolwork and grades. They won’t be close to their parents and will only view them them as a source of obligation and guilt. And when they get to college they will do things like leave their phones in their dorm rooms while they go out and party and stay overnight elsewhere.

- 50yo adult Indian American who was born and raised in America by strict immigrant parents with college aged children who report how many Indian American girls behave nowadays.

Yes, agree with all of this.

- another 50 yo Indian American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

+2.

Indian and many Pakistani parents are extremely strict.

OP (white woman) will fix that. Pure nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

+2.

Indian and many Pakistani parents are extremely strict.

Pakistanis girls grow up to marry their own cousins. Its actually called "cousin marriage". Also they marry quite young. So the aim of Pakistani parents is not to curtail their teen's sex life, it is just to make sure that their DD gets married to some young man from the family or friend circle so that the DD's partner is someone the parent's approve of and it is all legal.

Indian families on the other hand do not want their kids to be interested in any sex, dating, romance - while in school.
In fact, the Indian parents approve of mental and physical sexual abstinence of their children through education years wholeheartedly. It is a matter of pride to have kids who are reaching all academic and EC milestones and usually this means that kids are too busy to date.

The first priority and complete attention of the children should be to get an excellent education and that should result in an amazing career. This is true of both girls and boys. Sex, romance, dating is seen as a distraction that derails the childrens future. Indian parents mostly do not deal with teen pregnancies, vaping, drug use, dating violence etc. They do not give an opportunity to their children for these dynamics to occur.

The calculus is very simple, the only thing that Indian kids can depend on is their education. As an adult, a good career will result in the solid financial and social standing that will enable them to have a successful personal life. The usual worry of having a socially isolated kid is not an issue because the one thing the Indian-American kid does not lack is social interaction in their personal life.

The girl is the problem in OP's original post. She is rebelling because of new hormones and the attention of the boy. She is probably also hanging out with other girls who are into boys, sex etc and she wants to be like them. She is influenced by her peer group. I blame her parents. They need to keep a closer eye on this girl.

Having a lot of community and family around you doesn’t prevent personal loneliness and social isolation.

But that's not something I'd expect you to understand with your formulaic thinking. Most Indians still rooted in "Indian" culture think this way. Two to three generations out, no one's following this path

No one needs a romantic partner in k-12 school. It is not age appropriate. If you think this is rooted in "Indian" culture then you are mistaken. Even if it is formulaic - education-college-job-marriage-family - all at the right time and in the right sequence, the results are pretty fantastic for Indian American kids.

BTW- USA is no longer the land of endless opportunity. A lot of old world practices are coming back so that people can survive. Stay tuned for the rise of multi-gen households. A practice around the world, but I am sure most will think it is "Indian".

Hey live your life how you want.

But you are very "tight" and smug. For that reason alone, I think your grandkids will humor you but go their own path. The few parents who succeeded with this had a lot of EQ, something you show you don't have much of with every post.

- PP who's 2nd gen Indian

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

They will do it anyways. They will just lie about it and feel like they can’t talk to their parents about anything except schoolwork and grades. They won’t be close to their parents and will only view them them as a source of obligation and guilt. And when they get to college they will do things like leave their phones in their dorm rooms while they go out and party and stay overnight elsewhere.

- 50yo adult Indian American who was born and raised in America by strict immigrant parents with college aged children who report how many Indian American girls behave nowadays.

Yes, agree with all of this.

- another 50 yo Indian American.

+1 to all of this. 45 year old Indian American here. I didn’t do anything “bad” in high school, because my parents would have kept me at home for college if they didn’t trust me. But all bets were off in college. My kids aren’t old enough, but I have other middle aged Indian American friends who grew up here. Their kids are the excuse for the stricter parents’ kids, who lie just as PPs say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

They will do it anyways. They will just lie about it and feel like they can’t talk to their parents about anything except schoolwork and grades. They won’t be close to their parents and will only view them them as a source of obligation and guilt. And when they get to college they will do things like leave their phones in their dorm rooms while they go out and party and stay overnight elsewhere.

- 50yo adult Indian American who was born and raised in America by strict immigrant parents with college aged children who report how many Indian American girls behave nowadays.

I think quite a few of us must be of the same generation

I was a "good" kid but mainly because I was not only young for my age but a late bloomer too.

I was shocked to discover in later decades that at least 3 of my Indian American friends growing up was assaulted sexually and one was blackmailed into continuing a relationship with their attacker.

They weren't doing anything risky. One was literally assaulted at her first meeting with another 15 year old. What made these kids vulnerable was that the kids they dated knew that these girls must keep things secret from their parents or expect great punishment.

It was awful to hear first hand from one of my friends who is now in her late 40s how she had no one to turn to. It would break my heart if my DD felt like she couldn't turn to me regardless of what happened.

So what are we doing? It's tricky because we have not had this role modeled to us. But though we would prefer she wait to date we haven't taken it off the table. So far (probably because her peer group is not dating at 15 snd 16) she seems happy with the way things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

You’re right, you know my lived experience better than me! Lol. Keep telling yourself lies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

They will do it anyways. They will just lie about it and feel like they can’t talk to their parents about anything except schoolwork and grades. They won’t be close to their parents and will only view them them as a source of obligation and guilt. And when they get to college they will do things like leave their phones in their dorm rooms while they go out and party and stay overnight elsewhere.

- 50yo adult Indian American who was born and raised in America by strict immigrant parents with college aged children who report how many Indian American girls behave nowadays.

I think quite a few of us must be of the same generation

I was a "good" kid but mainly because I was not only young for my age but a late bloomer too.

I was shocked to discover in later decades that at least 3 of my Indian American friends growing up was assaulted sexually and one was blackmailed into continuing a relationship with their attacker.

They weren't doing anything risky. One was literally assaulted at her first meeting with another 15 year old. What made these kids vulnerable was that the kids they dated knew that these girls must keep things secret from their parents or expect great punishment.

It was awful to hear first hand from one of my friends who is now in her late 40s how she had no one to turn to. It would break my heart if my DD felt like she couldn't turn to me regardless of what happened.

So what are we doing? It's tricky because we have not had this role modeled to us. But though we would prefer she wait to date we haven't taken it off the table. So far (probably because her peer group is not dating at 15 snd 16) she seems happy with the way things are.

I'm so sorry for your friends and this situation. We need to take a step back and let these women who know the awful "both sides" of this advise the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

Stay out of it. Are you really trying to get this girl cut off from any ounce of social life? I was this girl. Be nice to her. You have no business with parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

Yeah OP is going to get a reality check if she gets involved with her parents.

Why is everyone assuming it’s a white woman? Could be anyone who’s not Indian.

Bc it’s usually the whites that want to “talk” and figure stuff out. Other cultures set rules and then don’t discuss them to death.

Are all Indians as racist as you?