Son dating girl whose parents don’t allow her to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Honesty unless your daughter is good looking and popular you don’t have much to worry about in terms of “alcoholized parties” or anything like that. I know from my kid that nerdy kids from conservative cultures are usually left alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

[Anonymous]

I gave my DS a preventative talk to stay away from all sorts of high maintenance people. This includes drama queens, kids with significant mental health issues, and people with exotic house or family rules. So far so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the other Desi Girls on here:

Take a look at th beach week thread. I feel like all parents are turning into 90's desi parents!

To the ABCD girls in the age group late 30s - early 50s. Your self hatred and identity confusion has not carried over to younger generation because they have more education, more money, more connections, more credentials and more self-confidence then you or your parents would ever have.

Your upbringing was bipolar. You lived in two different worlds and your parents were also a product of the exposure they got in the India of yesteryears.

You seem confused. The parents of Indian Americans in their 30s-50s are highly educated. That was the way they were able to immigrate to America. Lots of doctors, professors and engineers making good money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

Great....all we need is more conservative nut jobs in this country. As if the one f-ing up government isn't enough.

Exactly. But that other government, the progressive and tolerant one, was encouraging them to come on over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Culture-specific expectations like this are why caste is being considered as a worthwhile addition to anti-discrimination statutes.

Or maybe just don’t import the caste thinking en masse like we do now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This girl sounds like more trouble than she’s worth OP. Your son might not want to listen to you but I’d advise you to talk to him about limiting his interactions with her. What if they keep sneaking around and “dating,” and her parents find out and put all the blame on your son? What if they try to bring SA charges against him?

Scare your son and tell him this is all a possibility and he can date girls from normal families who still value education and achievement.

This is the way to go but it should have done at the end of middle school, preventatively

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

It’s usually only a danger if they are good looking and relatively socially savvy.
If you make them nerdy and buy them horrible clothes and glasses then you are safe!
/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS dated a classmate who is Indian American back in HS. She was great in every way except her parents didn’t know. It was doomed from the start. I didn’t forbid DS from seeing her but let him know it could lead to problems. Sure enough, her parents found out and took drastic measures. It’s just a bad idea to even start.

But there were no repercussions for DS, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

They won't allow her to date your son, it's often cultural so don't be offended. Don't get involved or your kid will blame you.

Funny, if Op's son were/is white and she said she did not want him dating someone who is Indian, you would call her a racist. It would not be cultural. What a F g joke.

Go learn about the history of the world and colonialism and structural racism and then come back with your foolishness

OP's son isn't the local colonial governor.
He's dating an Indian in USA, so the only people colonizing in this story is the girlfriend's family.

There are a billion Indians so it sure isn't cultural genocide either.

Don't come back with your foolishness.

Truth!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the other Desi Girls on here:

Take a look at th beach week thread. I feel like all parents are turning into 90's desi parents!

To the ABCD girls in the age group late 30s - early 50s. Your self hatred and identity confusion has not carried over to younger generation because they have more education, more money, more connections, more credentials and more self-confidence then you or your parents would ever have.

Your upbringing was bipolar. You lived in two different worlds and your parents were also a product of the exposure they got in the India of yesteryears.

You seem confused. The parents of Indian Americans in their 30s-50s are highly educated. That was the way they were able to immigrate to America. Lots of doctors, professors and engineers making good money.

Money will not buy the ability to comfortablely assimilate. PP didn't imply poor.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. It’s not like they are getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This really isn’t considered dating. The girl is not breaking any rules as of now. Surely her parents are aware that there are boys at school & other functions, and that she may talk to them. 🤣

Now if she asks her parents to hang out at your house with just your DS, go to a movie with just your DS etc….they probably won’t allow it. Which is fine.

I wouldn’t give any of this a second thought. You seem to be taking things a bit seriously (far more than this situation warrants) IMHO.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

It is not appropriate for the young people to be doing this dating and such in the high school years. No. School is for learning. Children must focus on their lessons. Later on, when the time comes, the parents need to be the people who help the child and find the right person from a good family for them. This is what decent parents do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We live in a community with a lot of Indian families. Majority of them are strict and don't let their kids (especially daughters) date, regardless of race, ethnicity. The biggest priority for them is education and they don't want anything to get in the way of that. I get it. I also know that many of my daughter's friends who are Indian talk to/date boys in secret. Telling their parents is not an option they would even consider or else they risk losing all privileges (going out with friends, going to functions, etc.). OP, don't bother meeting the parents. It will likely result in this girl never being able to see your son or hanging out with friends for a long time. It's a cultural thing and you won't be able to change their minds.

It is not appropriate for the young people to be doing this dating and such in the high school years. No. School is for learning. Children must focus on their lessons. Later on, when the time comes, the parents need to be the people who help the child and find the right person from a good family for them. This is what decent parents do.

Yes, I know and I get it. It doesn't change the fact though that a lot of the Indian teens (especially those who were born and raised here) are doing things including dating behind their parents' backs and are getting away with it. They're still keeping up with their grades and ECs while doing all the things they're parents are forbidding them to do.