Son dating girl whose parents don’t allow her to date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

Yeah OP is going to get a reality check if she gets involved with her parents.

Why is everyone assuming it’s a white woman? Could be anyone who’s not Indian.

Have you heard a non-white family think they can change the cultural values of another family with a nice talking-to?

Back in the day the Huxtables did it swimmingly.

And Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince. Taking those lessons to the grave.
Stop being so racist everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

+2.

Indian and many Pakistani parents are extremely strict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is absolutely between the girl and her parents. It should not be up to your 14-year-old son to interpret and enforce another family’s rules. It doesn’t sound like your kid is doing anything wrong (I read from your comments that the girl doesn’t care what her parents think not that your kid doesn’t care), and is just trying to understand how to navigate a challenging situation. I think you need to stay out of this as well, other than giving him good guidance on this situation perhaps being a nonstarter.

14 year olds shouldn't be dating.

Op shuts it down.

Simple.

These are not grown people.

These are not even 16 year olds.

The parents i knew who absolutely didn't want their DDs dating sent them to single sex schools and strictly monitored all their interactions ( )

They didn't send them to public high schools where interactions between sexes are the norm and expect miracles. Other parents aren't going to parent for you.

- Indian American

I know many many parents who sent their kids to public school and still monitored all their interactions, placed lots of restrictions on social activities, and expected no dating. Single-sex schools are not feasible for many families for many reasons - cost, entire towns do not have girls/boys-only high schools, etc etc.

Those parents spend a lot of time policing their kids. Other parents set expectations but also don’t spend the time making sure it doesn’t happen. Their child could get away with things but would still get in trouble if caught. Dating is changing in India now too, more are open minded now, but likely when their kids get to college, not high school.

In any case, it’s not other parents’ responsibility to parent other kids, unless it’s something serious that impacts their physical/mental health.

- another Indian-American who grew up here and knows lots of Indians raising their kids here now and those who did 30 years ago as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

Yeah OP is going to get a reality check if she gets involved with her parents.

Why is everyone assuming it’s a white woman? Could be anyone who’s not Indian.

Have you heard a non-white family think they can change the cultural values of another family with a nice talking-to?

Back in the day the Huxtables did it swimmingly.

Please name the episode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

+2.

Indian and many Pakistani parents are extremely strict.

Pakistanis girls grow up to marry their own cousins. Its actually called "cousin marriage". Also they marry quite young. So the aim of Pakistani parents is not to curtail their teen's sex life, it is just to make sure that their DD gets married to some young man from the family or friend circle so that the DD's partner is someone the parent's approve of and it is all legal.

Indian families on the other hand do not want their kids to be interested in any sex, dating, romance - while in school.
In fact, the Indian parents approve of mental and physical sexual abstinence of their children through education years wholeheartedly. It is a matter of pride to have kids who are reaching all academic and EC milestones and usually this means that kids are too busy to date.

The first priority and complete attention of the children should be to get an excellent education and that should result in an amazing career. This is true of both girls and boys. Sex, romance, dating is seen as a distraction that derails the childrens future. Indian parents mostly do not deal with teen pregnancies, vaping, drug use, dating violence etc. They do not give an opportunity to their children for these dynamics to occur.

The calculus is very simple, the only thing that Indian kids can depend on is their education. As an adult, a good career will result in the solid financial and social standing that will enable them to have a successful personal life. The usual worry of having a socially isolated kid is not an issue because the one thing the Indian-American kid does not lack is social interaction in their personal life.

The girl is the problem in OP's original post. She is rebelling because of new hormones and the attention of the boy. She is probably also hanging out with other girls who are into boys, sex etc and she wants to be like them. She is influenced by her peer group. I blame her parents. They need to keep a closer eye on this girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

You should absolutely let her parents know.

( They can also then get her on BC so that your son can have a worry-free and no-cost way to grease his pole. )

[Anonymous]

This girl sounds like more trouble than she’s worth OP. Your son might not want to listen to you but I’d advise you to talk to him about limiting his interactions with her. What if they keep sneaking around and “dating,” and her parents find out and put all the blame on your son? What if they try to bring SA charges against him?

Scare your son and tell him this is all a possibility and he can date girls from normal families who still value education and achievement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.

Yeah OP is going to get a reality check if she gets involved with her parents.

Why is everyone assuming it’s a white woman? Could be anyone who’s not Indian.

Bc it’s usually the whites that want to “talk” and figure stuff out. Other cultures set rules and then don’t discuss them to death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This girl sounds like more trouble than she’s worth OP. Your son might not want to listen to you but I’d advise you to talk to him about limiting his interactions with her. What if they keep sneaking around and “dating,” and her parents find out and put all the blame on your son? What if they try to bring SA charges against him?

Scare your son and tell him this is all a possibility and he can date girls from normal families who still value education and achievement.

If that is a possibility, your kid should be with girls from your own value system. Whether they value education or achievement is not really important, because your kid did not use that as a criteria for choosing this girl. However, if your kid is sexting and hooking up, and is thrown in the locker, it will not be great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Majority of Asian parents want under 18 kids to focus on getting into good colleges and not allow dating.

+1 and a few white families like ours. My mother was a foreigner so that’s how I grew up. I am appalled at the typical white Anerican culture I see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most of my girl friends who were allowed to have a normal social life in high school weren’t partying and sleeping around like the girls with the strict parents. Good luck!

Not true, though many girls of strict parents rebel, still most unhinged ones didn't have strict parents.

+1 most kids I know with “normal” social lives tend to be not as focused on academics and end up having sex in high school. That’s definitely not the path I want my kids on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This girl sounds like more trouble than she’s worth OP. Your son might not want to listen to you but I’d advise you to talk to him about limiting his interactions with her. What if they keep sneaking around and “dating,” and her parents find out and put all the blame on your son? What if they try to bring SA charges against him?

Scare your son and tell him this is all a possibility and he can date girls from normal families who still value education and achievement.

If that is a possibility, your kid should be with girls from your own value system. Whether they value education or achievement is not really important, because your kid did not use that as a criteria for choosing this girl. However, if your kid is sexting and hooking up, and is thrown in the locker, it will not be great.

Yes duh that’s exactly what PP said.

[Anonymous]

DS dated a classmate who is Indian American back in HS. She was great in every way except her parents didn’t know. It was doomed from the start. I didn’t forbid DS from seeing her but let him know it could lead to problems. Sure enough, her parents found out and took drastic measures. It’s just a bad idea to even start.

[Anonymous]

A big school dance coming up? In summer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1 this was me and I'm also Indian American.

You don't have to straight up lie to her parents and pretend she's elsewhere at some group hangout or whatever. But if she's telling them a white lie, you don't need to get involved.

FYI my parents would never have allowed me to date in HS even if they met the other family and thought they were perfectly fine. So your heart is in the right place OP but this girl is navigating a fine line and I would let her be.

I wanted to add - in HS they definitely didn't want me dating but by college they sort of preferred the white lies / didn't need to know every detail since I wasn't living with them anyway. Now I'm married with kids, DH isn't Indian but they love him. Things get sorted out but teen years can be prickly for immigrants and their kids. This is really between the girl and her parents to figure out in terms of their rules and how she follows or pushes them.

+1. Another Indian-American, who grew up with very strict parents.

+2.

Indian and many Pakistani parents are extremely strict.

Pakistanis girls grow up to marry their own cousins. Its actually called "cousin marriage". Also they marry quite young. So the aim of Pakistani parents is not to curtail their teen's sex life, it is just to make sure that their DD gets married to some young man from the family or friend circle so that the DD's partner is someone the parent's approve of and it is all legal.

Indian families on the other hand do not want their kids to be interested in any sex, dating, romance - while in school.
In fact, the Indian parents approve of mental and physical sexual abstinence of their children through education years wholeheartedly. It is a matter of pride to have kids who are reaching all academic and EC milestones and usually this means that kids are too busy to date.

The first priority and complete attention of the children should be to get an excellent education and that should result in an amazing career. This is true of both girls and boys. Sex, romance, dating is seen as a distraction that derails the childrens future. Indian parents mostly do not deal with teen pregnancies, vaping, drug use, dating violence etc. They do not give an opportunity to their children for these dynamics to occur.

The calculus is very simple, the only thing that Indian kids can depend on is their education. As an adult, a good career will result in the solid financial and social standing that will enable them to have a successful personal life. The usual worry of having a socially isolated kid is not an issue because the one thing the Indian-American kid does not lack is social interaction in their personal life.

The girl is the problem in OP's original post. She is rebelling because of new hormones and the attention of the boy. She is probably also hanging out with other girls who are into boys, sex etc and she wants to be like them. She is influenced by her peer group. I blame her parents. They need to keep a closer eye on this girl.

Having a lot of community and family around you doesn’t prevent personal loneliness and social isolation.

But that's not something I'd expect you to understand with your formulaic thinking. Most Indians still rooted in "Indian" culture think this way. Two to three generations out, no one's following this path