Son dating girl whose parents don’t allow her to date

[Anonymous]

DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

[Anonymous]

Butt out.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, I don't like the lying either.

This is hard.

I'd worry about repercussions from the other family if DS takes her out without their knowledge.

[Anonymous]

You're very kind, OP, and I am certain your son is an upright, gentlemanly person, but if you invited me to meet me and my daughter, it wouldn't make me change my mind about my kids dating in high school. I'd rather they didn't seriously date. They can be friends, go to a chaperoned dance, but I will be picking up my daughter promptly afterward, and limiting (but not forbidding) daytime, public outings for them.

The reason I don't forbid get-togethers entirely is that it's good for my kids to socialize in a supervised, safe setting before going to college. They are very aware of the dangers of alcoholized parties, potential for assault, drinking and driving, etc.

I hope you can understand that other cultures are far more conservative with their children than a certain portion of America. This family might be even more conservative. I know plenty of them. So if you get this girl's permission to broach this with her parents, go into it with the intent of understanding their boundaries, not with the intent of changing their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it. I was this girl in high school. Let her handle it.

+1. You might make things harder for this girl by getting involved. Just be nice and warm to her when you meet her.

[Anonymous]

If you're a white family and her parents don't want her dating, I don't think you meeting them will change their mind. It's a prohibition that has nothing to do with how nice the potential date and family might be.

Maybe your son is only lightly romantically interested and this girl will remain a friend. Or possibly, she will be allowed to date later in high school.

I would suggest to my son that he not intensify this friendship.

Many kids go to dances in groups without 1:1 dating. That is very normal. It would be best if they met up at dances under these circumstances.

The late night Facetiming could become a flashpoint.

Also be aware that Apple is very casual about absorbing family members into groups.

I sometimes (but not always) see texts and pings coming into my husband's iPhone on our Mac desktop. It's some sort of IT gremlin that we haven't fully troubleshot. Tell your kid not to send pics of people to this girl or to receive them. If this girl gets found out, it will just add fuel to the fire.

I did once have to ask my son to give me his phone because of a conflict between kids at school that got reported to me by a counselor. I normally do not monitor his communications in any way. I told him that he was losing his privacy privileges because the school had gotten involved. I reviewed things for myself and concluded there was not an issue of concern. That allowed me to have an accurate conversation with the school.

My point in relaying the above is that your son should realize now that any "evidence" of this relationship could be reviewed at some point by adults. And it should not make things worse beyond just the fact that the kids are communicating and view themselves as dating.

[Anonymous]

I’d stay out of this. It is between her and her parents. Your DS is following your house rules.

[Anonymous]

I think it's messed up that you are encouraging this behavior from your son. I suppose because it's not your values you are fine with helping her lie to her parents.

[Anonymous]

You don’t allow your son to date her. You’re teaching him to disrespect his elders.

[Anonymous]

They aren’t dating in the traditional sense. They hang out after school sometimes and chat online the phone at night. Two friends that are the opposite sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They aren’t dating in the traditional sense. They hang out after school sometimes and chat online the phone at night. Two friends that are the opposite sex.

+1

Now if she was hanging out at my house 3 evenings per week while blatantly lying to her parents (saying she was at the library or whatever)- that would be very different.

But hanging out in public places after school and/or chatting online? Meh. Presumably her parents allow those things (or do not monitor), and in this case I don’t see how it is particularly different from interacting with any other friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

They won't allow her to date your son, it's often cultural so don't be offended. Don't get involved or your kid will blame you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a freshman. He has a big school dance coming up and asked a sweet girl, who happens to be Indian and has strict parents. Her parents apparently don’t know she is going to the dance or that she is “dating” DS. Dating for them so far means meeting for ice cream after school and FaceTiming late at night.

Do I do anything?? I don’t like that she’s lying to her parents. He says she’s frustrated and doesn’t care. I will be meeting her in person tomorrow and plan to offer to meet her parents with DS. What else should I do?

We are Asian-Americans and we don’t condone dating for our 14 year old DD. We don’t have any issues with her having close friends of the opposite sex. She hangs out with friends of both sexes. We don’t like the idea of her being exclusive with anyone at this early age. There’s an expectation that they need to be something different or more when they are ‘dating’. She has plenty of time to date later in HS and college.

If a boy’s parent approached us about their son dating out daughter, we would tell them the same.

[Anonymous]

I would not appreciate it if some white woman wanted me discuss my daughter's social life. I don't know you, i don't give F what you have to say. I don't know why you think this is okay.